I have tried for two years to get POA Starting when she was still doing ok and my father was still alive. She steadfastly refuses and now since my father is gone (her dementia led to an earlier than needed death) she has gotten much worse. She is furious with me to the point of threatening me physically when I try to help. She hasn’t paid her bills for what turns out to be at least a year, let her insurance lapse and still owes taxes from last year. I have been able to help with a few things and she has signed a release so I can talk with her doctor. My brother has been released from prison and is also trying to help (he lives with her) but she doesn’t trust him either. I have talked to the family attorney and he suggested seeking conservatorship but I am sure she will refuse which means taking her to court - something that will take time and she might loose her house before we can get it accomplished. Does anyone have some advice about what I can do to get help that doesn’t require a lot of money. I feel like declaring her incompetent is costly and time consuming plus she can seem ok for short periods oftime.
It’s late now but I hope others will chime in soon with more suggestions for you.
If she has a fit of violence or a medical emergency, then you call 911 and once she's in the ER you can explain to the discharge planner that she's an "unsafe discharge" and is refusing care and management at home (and do NOT tell them your brother is living there or else none of this strategy will work -- they will assume she has a caregiver and discharge her anyway). Then ask to talk to a hospital social worker to see if she can be transitioned directly into a facility. After that you will still need to get legal control through the courts but at least she won't be at home.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. I wish you success in getting her appropriate care.
People with dementia will sometimes have periods of lucid behavior that is short lived. If you can offer care during these moments, she may agree to help.
However, depending how violent she gets, please call the ambulance and have her taken to the emergency room. Tell them that she is not able to function on the outside, and that she has stopped paying bills, stopped self-care, bathing and keeping up her home.
She may showtime to get out of a diagnosis and return back home against her better judgment. It may take several ER visits before people catch on.
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with mom.
It is, however, now that dementia is a certainty, far too late for POA. That can only be conferred upon you by a competent adult.
The seeking of conservancy to save the home, if the home is paid for and of value, is worth the cost, but you would need to start with thorough evaluation through her MD and thru consult by neuro-psyc, and would have to start with a battery of letters and examples from her bankers or the companies involved that she is in arrears on her bill-paying.
The other last ditch try I will suggest to you is that you take all you have told us to APS and let them know she is a senior endangered by herself and in need of consult. They may be able to get you, with a call to a Judge, a temporary guardianship.
You can call EMS with any attacks on person, and that will help, with hospital social workers, in getting assessment started.
I'm just so sorry you're going through this.
Next, give a call to your state's Agency on Aging and one to Legal Aid in your state. I was advised well by an elder law attorney for free through them when I didn't have money and needed legal advice. Most lawyers in practice offer free initial consultations too.
You can petition the court yourself for conservator/guardianship of your mother without a lawyer. You will have to show documentation that she is not competent to make her own decisions. Keep this in mind though. If you get conservatorship/guardianship and the plan is to keep her home, your brother who just go out of prison will not be allowed to live with her. He will have to leave because when a conservatorship/guardianship is court-ordered the person who has it regularly has to answer to the judge. Financial records have to be shown, the living situation as well.
The court will appoint a lawyer who represents your mother that she will be responsible to pay. Any time someone tries to get conservatorship or POA over an adult through the court this is so. The lawyer will not be free. You do not need to have one, but you should and if you are given conservatorship/guardianship of your mother, you may use her funds to pay for any legal fees including any lawyer you hadto retain.
But not from herbs or snacks!
You can file for guardianship in probate court in your county. You can obtain the forms online, fill them out and take them to the court. You will be assigned a hearing date and you will present the facts to the court. You do not need a lawyer, I did it myself.
Of course if it is granted, then you will have responsibility for everything for her. If she is uncooperative and combative, you might not want the responsibility and heartache involved.
If you do nothing, and she has no one else looking out for her, eventually she will become a ward of the state and probably lose everything. It is a such pity to go down this rabbit hole, for everyone.
I wish you much peace.