Ever since my mother's stupid eye doctor told her she was okay to drive last week, she has been RELENTLESS. She won't drive unless I give her my blessing (thankfully), but it is so bad. In our daily phone call today, she yelled and swore at me the whole time, wanted to know why I insisted on treating her like a baby, why I don't trust her, why I want to ruin her life, why am I so unkind to her, why does she need permission from her daughter to drive when none of her friends do, etc…. (I should mention that my brother let her drive while he was visiting her this weekend, so she doesn't understand why he is so kind while I am not.)
It was so, so difficult and so frustrating and upsetting, and I am afraid I made the huge error of trying to explain and actually using the word "dementia" at one point.
I know what a huge mistake that was. That will be the main thing she remembers. But I was so shaken — I still am literally shaking — and I vomited at one point. I am not cut out for this at all. Please help me.
Find neighbors, friends, other family and even church/synagogue members to call her up and say they are running errands on such-and-such day and does she need anything? Would she like to come? If you can get this to happen regularly (at least for the short term) then she at least knows she can have some freedom to look forward to.
I did this with my Aunts (both elderly, living together, one was the drive, the other the copilot). My Aunt the driver had advancing dementia so I had to report her to the state's DMV and her license didn't get renewed. This was very upsetting to 2 people. But I covertly arranged for rides and also gave the drivers a GC to my Aunt's favorite places to eat and asked the drivers to please also take them out to lunch. It took *most* of the sting out of their loss of spontaneous freedom.
My own Mother was another story. She was already fighting me on not driving so I got her primary doc to talk to her and also arrange for a Virtual Driving Assessment through the OT dept. She failed both the executive function test and physical reaction test and the OT broke the news to her and the Dept of Public Safety cancelled her license. She was still mad at me but couldn't deny her own test results. She got over it.
Then there was my uncle (Mom's brother) who, in his early 90s was driving home from his office (he was retired from his 60-truck plumbing business) along with his wife. His kids should have stopped his driving. One day he went through a red light and was t-boned on his wife's side. She (and the dog in her lap) died instantly (she was a 2-time cancer survivor) and the people in the other car had some injuries and car totalled. I'm sure his kids (my cousins) would say if they had to do it over they'd endure my uncle's anger rather than causing all that grief.
I hope this gives you the courage to continue keeping an unfit driver off the road.
Your mom is abusing you. That's right, this is abuse. You don't deserve that. No one does. She's making you sick, and what good can you be for her if you're gone? As in unalive? You're shaking, vomiting, and what's next? Your heart giving out? A stroke? Wow, mom would be really mad then, but you wouldn't be around to observe it.
Help yourself by not taking any more abuse. That includes no contact at all if she doesn't respect your wishes. You're not required to die on the hill of her choosing, and you need to put yourself first. You can do it, and I wish you the best as you recover from Monster Mom. I have an idea that if you lay down the law and mean it, she might improve her behavior immediately if not sooner. Try it!
An eye doctor can only verify that a person's vision is adequate for driving, and whether or not the driver needs corrective lenses while driving. It is not within their purview to make a determination as to anything else that goes along with driving, ie. cognitive ability.
If you actually heard this doctor tell mom she was "all right" to drive, a complaint to the AMA (or whatever organization oversees ophthalmologists) might be in order. BUT - if you weren't there, it could be that mom heard what she wanted to hear and is insisting now the doctor told her she was ok to drive.
Or perhaps mom asked after her exam "So, am I ok to drive?" and he answered her as far as the eye exam told him.
In any event, you did NOT screw up; you are doing what a responsible person does when confronted with a situation as this. You are NOT required to listen to her heap abuse on you; either screen your calls or hang up when she gets nasty. She is never going to understand why she can't drive, and there isn't much you will be able to do to convince her it is no longer safe, I'm sorry to say. Just keep telling her that you will NOT give her your blessing to drive anymore.
And disable the car.
Its best to come to terms with the facts w/o making yourself sick. None of this is your fault and it's not your job to keep mother happy and to enable her every desire. Safety is paramount now. Please do get her a diagnosis so you can all come to terms with moms compromised mental state.
Best of luck to you.
I really feel bad for telling her she has dementia in the heat of the moment. I mean, she knows she has "memory loss," but the word Dementia really upset her. She told me she would never forgive me for saying that.
You've written before that you and your brother have put off getting her a formal diagnosis because it would upset her. Well, she is this upset now without the diagnosis, so there's no point in putting it off any longer, difficult as that will be.
Does she generally have a lot of anger? Is her anger escalating? This can happen as dementia increases. Her doctor(s) can prescribe medications to calm her. This not only benefits you, it benefits her because going through life with anger and frustration is not a pleasant way to live.
Do either you or your brother have your mother's POA? If so, you'll need the diagnosis to start taking care of her various matters, if she's uncooperative. Also, it should help bring your brother around to taking her car and keys away.
I'm sorry this is so rough. Please take care of yourself, and keep us posted on how things go.
I'm sorry about your dad. It must feel like such a cascade on you right now, especially while you're grieving too. Thank goodness you have the POA, at least.
She’s going to be mad and not understand why she can’t drive no matter what words you use .
You aren’t shaking because you used that word. You are shaking because Mom does not understand anymore because she has a broken brain and you can’t fix that.
I resorted to telling my mother to stop blaming me for taking freedoms away from her. I told her that age is doing that. I also told her “ Mom , I didn’t make you old and I can’t fix old “.
I also agree with ending the phone calls .
” Gotta go Mom , I have an appointment “. Keep visits short too