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I am tired of this disgusting gross person (I used to think he loved me duh-he was so gross)
hanging around my neck like a millstone
my father's filth and antipathy and in general just being an awful person and he will prob die soon
I resent she doesn't know what is going on. I want her to know.
She won't care but I still want to send her a email with plain facts

In general the bar is lower these days as far as seniors ( even with some dementia or mental illness ) living at home. In the past in your father’s situation , the senior would be removed. IMO the bar is low these days for being deemed cognizant .
It’s the way it is . The current mantra is so long as the elder understands the risks and potential consequences, they can live as they choose. Additionally , I’ve personally seen in my own family the last few years , where the elder was given credit for more understanding than they really possessed .
When in doubt the benefit of the doubt is given to the elder by officials , doctors , etc . rather than keeping them safe .
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In answer to your reply to me.

I had a friend who has challenges. His Mom was removed by APS but not him. He weighted over 400lbs at the time. APS was called everyday by neighbors and they said nothing they could do. I called a Social Worker friend who at one time had helped this family. She called the health department because he was living in an unhealthy environment.
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Its important to acknowledge how upsetting all this is for you to witness. I disagree that dad is in his right mind though, bc folks with working brains do not choose to live like this! Chalk it off to mental illness and realize you cannot fix him or the situation. This is very hard bc most of us are fixers by nature. We're women. We see a problem, we know HOW to fix it, but we're being prevented by doing that due to some form of mental illness combined with stubbornness. There is no other choice but to accept the choice dad has made, right or wrong, and try your best to not think about it, lest it consume your life and peace of mind.

Tell your sister if it helps you release the burden. But then vow to be done with her too, for your own wellbeing. That's what matters now. And knowing you tried your best. Sometimes caring is not enough. A person has to WANT our help in order for us to be successful in giving it.
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Geaton777 Oct 2, 2025
I agree that the Dad is clearly not in his right mind. In a college Psych 101 class I learned that one of the signs of mental impairment is when a person stops caring about themselves (ie, hygiene).

That being said, how and when APS finally intervenes seemingly varies greatly from county to county,
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Angsting over this is not doing anyone any good. Please accept that your father is choosing to live like this . Whatever happens to him is on him .

My mother in law hastened her own death 4 months ago by remaining in her home without help too long . Nothing we could do about it.

I understand it’s sickening ( turns your stomach ) to see anyone living like this . But he’s cognizant. Don’t visit him .
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You are right she is mentally unbalanced and says I am selfish and evil and a bunch of other crap. thank you
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true I am not going to contact her or him
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Did you call the health department? All you can do is keep calling APS and telling them he needs help. That you are not authorized to make decisions for him. He needs care. He needs the state to take over.
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mary543 Sep 30, 2025
Not yet

I called APS and they said as long as he is cognizant they can't do anything and they would need his permission to go in the house which he won't give. I tried calling them back a few times but they never returned my calls

p.s. in this state they cannot take over
The police said the only thing we can do is have the fire department to remove him but his situation isn't bad enough yet, I can't see how much worse it can get

I may call the health department but I this point I wash my hands of this nightmare
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1. Stay away from dad.
2. Send sister a note explaining what dad has become.
3. Take a long vacation to visit someone you like, and let sis and dad's messages go directly to voicemail.

Easy-peasy.
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waytomisery Sep 30, 2025
4) Let this go . It’s not your problem . Dad is cognizant. Let him live his life his way . He has the “ right to rot “
5). See a therapist.
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As I suggested in last weeks post, Mary, simply send sis a note. Tell her you dropped by, found dad covered in feces and the home a mess, that you notified APS and they visited and said they have no power to intervene with Dad as he's still too mentally competent to act for him. Tell her you simply need to know she's aware of all this.

Given Sis is the POA and lives miles away, and Dad is competent enough he doesn't have to listen to you, and chooses to live in his own waste, you can certainly notify the local Health authority. But that's about the limit of all you can do.

I have suggested before I know, that you move far away from this situation in which you are powerless, if you cannot learn to accept that you cannot do anything about it. I really have no other answer. You have our sympathy.
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mary543 Sep 30, 2025
She isn't POA but THANK YOU! He doesn't want to deal with it
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Think about what problems may be caused by telling your sister about your experience of all this. If it won’t make things even more difficult for you, why not explain to her?
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