I thought Mom was being difficult, but turns out she has an infection brewing. I wanted her to eat because the medicine needs to be taken with food. I am normally loving and patient, but overwhelmed. I apologized wholeheartedly to Mom, and she forgave me. But oh, the pain of my attitude and horrible words!
You broke, and luckily the break doesn't seem permanent
It is almost a sort of hubris to think you can be omnipotent and godlike, that you can be Saintly as Catherine of Siena who apparently maintained her aplomb even as her followers were pulling off bits of flesh and bone before she was fully dead. Relics, don't you know. They wanted relics.
You are human. We all have limitations. We all get driven to the wall. We all have momentary breaks.
You feel sad and that ALONE shows what a good and decent person you are.
Please cut yourself a bit of slack. No one is perfect, and no one likes perfect people, either.
How is her cognition? Will she even remember what you said to her later on?
Try to not beat yourself up over this. You apologized to her and I'm sure she knew you were sincere. Neither your words nor attitude are "horrible". No one can be positive, upbeat, and never annoyed 24/7!
If you are religious, just pray "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us". That's what Jesus said we should pray.
Have you had any respite since you wrote how stressed you were in January?
Did something similar with my Mom after listening for the millionth time about everything that was wrong. Swore at her and said "you are never happy" and a few other things. We had never been yellers but both had tempers. I felt horrible.
She threw me under the bus to everyone she knew, calling them and telling them what I said including Pastor at church. Wouldn't let me come in with her to doctor's visit as I usually did, so her wise elderly Doctor asked me to come in and acted as peacemaker. He knew I had her best interest at heart because I had been so faithful in looking out for her for years.
Anyway, it all blew over.
Of course, we are not proud of losing our temper especially with those vulnerable and in need. Went to see a cognitive behavioral therapist because I was getting angrier and more frustrated over caregiving issues. He said, we are human, forgive yourself and just try to be kind. He helped me consider placing her and we had an evaluation by geriatric care specialist who came to her home. Maybe someone to talk to could help you. Or get more help with her.
Just after eval and some minor home modifications, my Mom fell at home breaking 3 ribs and went for a stint in rehab. I opted not to have her go back to her home saying I could not care for her 24/7, so they would not discharge her home. She cried, I felt guilty. She went into AL at same facility. Could not have made that decision without help from my therapist I don't think. She mourned her home.
It was tough but probably for the best for both of us in the long run. I think I would have been yelling a lot more out of frustration at, and fear for her, and she would have felt very hurt and upset by that had she been solely under my care. Also, I am an only and there would be no one to take care of her if something happened to me. She was not capable of getting herself moved to a facility. It would have been irresponsible to leave her in that situation.
She later said she was where she needed to be (in AL). I remained her staunch advocate and we were on loving good terms til her death. Just telling you all this because you describe yourself as overwhelmed. I felt the same. Maybe some of this will be of help to you. It is a hard journey.
(((((HUGS)))))
Of course, you feel badly. That proves to me how deeply you care. Acknowledge that your actions weren’t meant to be harmful. Everyone has a breaking point.
Wishing you peace during your caregiving journey.
Also possibly look at facilities , see which ones you like , have a few in mind as a back up plan , in case your Mom’s condition suddenly got worse possibly landing her in the hospital , or you can’t provide the care at home anymore and it was necessary . Are you going back to work at some point ?
For what it’s worth , many of us lose patience . My hubs had surgery last year , I lost patience with him , thought he was , being impatient about his recovery and turned out there was some scar tissue causing a stricture and pain which had to be removed . And he’s only 58.
My daughter lost her patience with her fiancé last year as well. 30 years old and He had had 3 surgeries in a span of 18 months.
Appendix . Then a knee surgery with a long recovery . Then he blew out the other knee , the first game he played , had another surgery . She told him he wasn’t allowed to play soccer anymore. Lol . She felt terrible .
She had been working from home while being his maid/cook, driver to PT etc . I suggested she take a long weekend off and her and I went to the beach . His parents were happy to come and stay with him .
So see , no matter what age the person in need is , caregivers can lose their patience , even if they know the person will get better.
However, your case is different , you know the person in need is most likely not going to improve much , if at all .
Don’t beat yourself up. But do think about options to have as a backup plan . It may give you some peace of mind.
I know that you are frustrated and I am so sorry. I went through lots of frustration when I was a caregiver too.
Your posting reminded me of the ‘scream therapy’ that was around many years ago!
an uncontrollable rage towards him. I
want my life back and i wish he would die. I know this is a terrible thing but I feel trapped. My siblings do nothing but come over maybe twice a year with their empty platitudes and covert criticism, stay for an hour and leave to get back to their thriving social calendars. They don’t want me putting him into care. So I scream into my pillow constantly.
I think back at the times I had moments of cussing. One of my friends who was a caregiver stopped by with a couple of beers in her purse one day and we talked. I was up to my ears with crap in pee. The dryer had broken so I had to hang sheets on the clothes line.