If you were in need of a caregiver, what qualities would you most like to see? What is most important to you? Who wouldn’t you hire to help?
I’m always intrigued by the postings on this site.
There are various opinions by posters on how issues should be handled. Everyone brings something to the table. Some we agree with wholeheartedly. Some responses may even make us cringe a bit.
No matter how we feel about the responses given on this site, most of the responses to the inquiries are enlightening in some way.
As most of you know, I was a caregiver for both of my parents, as well as my oldest brother for awhile.
My longest stint as a caregiver by far was for my mother. She lived in our home for 14 years. She died at age 95.
I feel as if I did the best that I could, considering that I didn’t have any frame of reference. It was certainly the toughest job that I have ever had.
I am not sure if I would have ever considered being a full time caregiver for my mother had it not been due to extenuating circumstances. I had no idea how difficult it would become.
I wish that I would have had the foresight to only make my mother’s stay with us temporary and then helped care for her by placing her in a facility.
Some people never want to place their parents or spouse in a facility and I absolutely respect their decision. I truly hope that they are able to care for their family members adequately and that they take breaks when needed. All caregivers need breaks from time to time.
Those who place family members in facilities are done out of love and necessity. They are still caring for their parents by being their advocate. They visit, bring necessities and treats to them and so on.
I believe that many people in need do not want to burden their families. They are in need of care. They are afraid of what lies ahead for them. They are going from being an independent person to a person who now has to rely on others.
It’s a tough adjustment for anyone to realize that they must depend on others for care. Of course, there are always exceptions and certainly some parents have always expected too much from their children.
So, I thought it would be an interesting conversation with caregivers and former caregivers to flip our circumstances. What characteristics in a caregiver would you like to see if you were the one in need?
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All the normal things you hope to find in any human being for any job.
Oh, and I hated the nurses who showed up in unprofessional clothes (jeans or capris, random t shirts and flip flops) and often didn't immediately identify themselves - my first impression when greeting them at the door was uh, who are you and what are you selling?
I know that you have tons of experience in the caregiving field and I respect that. Thank you for responding to my posting.
Your response reminded me of something that I would like to share.
After many years of caring for my mother, I came to this forum and was told that I needed to take a break on a regular basis.
I was so grateful to have some time off when the caregivers came to our home. I appreciated the caregivers who came so very much.
My favorite caregiver was a young woman, in her thirties who had lost her mother as a child. Even as a child she had enormous compassion for her mother.
I truly believe that she went into caregiving because of her loss so early in her life. She was 6 years old when her mother died.
Her heart was devoted to caregiving. She told me that she was devastated to lose her mother so young and that she was so happy that she could help others care for their moms. It wasn’t just a ‘job’ for her. She truly cared about the people she cared for.
She had great caregiving skills and was so very kind to my mother. My mother loved her for being so compassionate and patient with her. Mom moved so slowly due to her Parkinson’s disease and this young woman never rushed her.
Mom and I were truly blessed to have this wonderful woman caring for her.
I told this young woman that if she ever needed a reference for a job to please list me.
I suppose that it is rare to see someone who truly loved being a caregiver. Lord knows, that caregiving is a tough job!
I decided long ago that I definitely do not want my children to care for me should I ever be in need of care.
I would definitely want a caregiver whether it’s in a facility or at home to be capable of doing the job adequately. That’s number one for me.
I would also appreciate compassion and having a caregiver who I could easily communicate with.
Equally as important, I would want someone who is reliable and trustworthy.
It’s very sad that caregivers aren’t paid well. Many are appreciated by their families or employers. Others are not. Sometimes they are taken for granted. We need our caregivers.
So to answer your question I would want someone to be honest with me on how they were feeling about being my caregiver. I would rather someone look me in the eye and say "you know, sometimes this really sucks" than to see them roll their eyes or whine about it to other people within earshot. I'd want someone to give me as much of my independence as I could handle. Kindness, a belief in God are two of the biggest qualities I'd look for. You can't fake that. You either have it or you don't. If you aren't prepared to be patient you probably shouldn't be a caregiver. Yes, I know sometimes it's not a choice.
Dignity was very important for my mom. She would never have stood for having her butt wiped by me or any of my siblings. I feel the same. If I'm ever that far gone, transition me into a nursing facility or hire someone but don't degrade me or yourself with the alternative.
I totally agree with desiring a caregiver to be honest with me. That’s what I meant when I said that I would want a caregiver that I could easily communicate with.
If someone doesn’t communicate with us, how can any issues that arise get resolved?
Yes, kindness and compassion goes a long way. Having the ability to see how the person that they are caring for feels.
I felt similar to you with your foot and relying on your husband when I broke my arm. I had to have my husband hook my bra. LOL 😆
My favorite part of your reply to my question though is the mentioning of dignity. How true!
There were times when my mom would say to me that she felt forgotten because she was old. It always broke my heart to hear her say that. Oh, at times she certainly had a right to feel that way.
She had asked me to accompany her in the doctor’s office. I would sit in the waiting room to give her some privacy.
My mother insisted that there wasn’t anything that she wouldn’t want me to hear and that she wanted me there in case she didn’t understand something.
When I saw that she needed me, I no longer felt as if I was invading her privacy and went into the doctor’s office with her.
The doctor stopped talking to my mother and addressed me with all of his questions. I had to tell him that my mother was sitting right there and to please ask her and not me.
This was years before her dementia set in. His behavior made my mother feel ignored. When he retired I found a lovely doctor that spoke directly to my mother.
I love your response to this question.
Me too. It's all about good work ethic with me. I did caregiving a long time. I never tolerated abusive behavior from my clients. Or tantrums, instigating, fussiness, or stubborness.
I was a good caregiver though. Nobody ever had to tell me common sense like don't leave wet towels on the floor. Most people know that you have to hang up a wet towel otherwise it will start to stink and then get moldy. Someone with no common sense is not someone I'd want working for me.
My Dad had wonderful regularly scheduled caregivers for his 1st shift. One weekdays, the other weekends. Both had a sense of humor. One was like a Mama Bear when it came to whomever rang the door bell or telephoned Dad. The other was a wonderful cook from scratch person, such excellent meals for Dad, and she made enough to freeze for the weekday caregiver to use.
One of the caregivers mentioned that Dad's memory was starting to fail so it might be time to think about senior living, which surprised me. Apparently when I was around, Dad would be "show timing" which is a term I wasn't familiar with at the time.
The thought that this caregiver would know her job would end once Dad was moved to senior living, she got high marks from me :) But Dad was able to have her come with him to Independent Living [he wasn't ready for Memory Care as per the facility], thus in morning he would wake up to her smiling face, giving Dad a routine. She work shorter hours 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. Then she found afternoon work for a resident at the same senior facility. It was a win-win both for Dad, and for her. Plus the weekend caregiver also was able to come to the facility.
Even when Dad eventually moved over to Memory Care, both caregivers were able to come with him. Dad had saved for such "rainy days" expenses, so that was a great help.
Absolutely! I adore a good sense of humor.
In addition to all the other good qualities mentioned, a caregiver needs to be able to roll with the punches! Because every single day will present a new challenge, and that's a fact.
As some mentioned it is frustrating for my husband and even more for me when they treat him like he does not understand.
Just because he has Parkinson’s, no dementia, people make assumptions.
Many, not just caregivers refer only to me. I just stare and in frosty voice ask: ( and that is putting it politely) Why don’t you talk to him?
A person in pain using walker might appear that way, that is no excuse. How we refer to handicapped or people with mobility issue is just not acceptable.
Recently we were in Mexico for one month and people over there treat handicapped so much better, normal and with full respect, there is even more handicapped accessible places! Every restaurant, corner store, every person would help, bus driver, waiters running to the door!
I am ranting but I am fighting this.
So for me if caregiver shows disrespect, not much matters.
As for me, if I get dementia I hope Canada will have MAID -medical assistance in dying figured out by next year for mentally ill.