I feel guilty for making this post but I don't know what else to do as I have nobody to confide in. But for context, three years ago in 2021 my mother's pelvis was shattered by a horse which resulted in major surgeries, hip replacement, doctors broke her femur on accident, just many horrible things all within two months. At the time she was in a relationship with my step dad the time shortly before their divorce. So living altogether was my sister, me, my mom and stepdad. When she was in and out of the hospital, my stepdad was able to help her with everything she needed as my sister was 17 and I was 13 so neither of us knew how to help. On top of that we had to keep up with 20+ farm animals on our own. It remained like this for a few months, fast forward, and her and my stepdad start fighting 24/7, that ship sails and now it's just me, my sister and mom. Everything was going OK until my sister turned 18, my mom started getting into awful arguments and the last time my sister was here my mom threw her down the stairs because she was convinced that she was taking testosterone and went as far as to come up with the conclusion in her head that because she couldn’t find it, she was hiding it in her. We will just say pants in this situation for everyone’s sake. Literally a random mental break and I watched it happen. Like where do you even begin to come up with such an accusation? But, back to the point obviously you can't haul a 200 pound adult woman down the stairs with a shattered pelvis, she ended up dislocating her hip and blamed it on my sister. Who didn't start that fight? that hideous fight resulted in my sister running away and literally never coming back, which drove my mom crazy because my sister had just turned 18 so it's not like she could call the cops on her, and that's when I really saw how awful everything had gotten. If my mom didn't have everyone under her thumb then she would explode. I was horrified because i knew that would be me at some point & there was no choice either. So since my sister left going on four years ago now, I have been by myself with farm animals, cats, dogs, raccoons, and my mom ended up having another baby with her old boyfriend who did horrible things to me when I was 14. And I love my little sister to death, I'm just exhausted. She’s only 1. I have to keep everyone fed, cook dinner, breakfast, keep cats and dogs fed, horses, I can't even get a job to get away from any of this because we have no car and I have 0 friends, literally none. My only escape (fiancé 2 yrs.) ended, and if I ever did leave even if I informed her prior, next thing you know shed be using the cops as an Uber because I wasn't home being miserable. Literally every time I have been dragged back to this house it's to sit there and be forced to be at my mom's side 24/7, no privacy, my mom makes me stay up until 2 am every night because she thinks its selfish if I get more sleep than her. I get that she's in pain and so much other stuff but I should not be a prisoner. Especially not when it just fell into place in a bogus way. I am relied on for everything you can think of. I have tried to have a conversation with her over and over again and It ends in her screaming and saying, "I guess I'm just a sh** mom huh?” or the classic, "as far as I'm concerned you live with me so you don't have a life of your own" I just want a way to distance myself so she doesn't want me around without deliberately making her hate me any more than she does. I don't want to be around her but there seems to be no way out? Hopefully this makes enough sense to get my point across. Please, any advice is welcome.
My suggestion is you may try to enlist in the military, to get out safely. Plan a future without your horrible Mother today. Hopefully you graduated from high school? You can get away, travel the globe, and learn to support yourself, in a group of other young women trying to become something!
Let Mom deal with her own mental illness. Join the service, get away safely, be protected and get an education of the real world, without a farm. Mom cannot stop you or interfere with your new life. You already know she is impossible to deal with after her life shattering horse accident. Her life was destroyed, so she is trying to take you down with her as her "last daughter." Especially having ANOTHER CHILD at a late age clearly indicates she is a train wreck. She had her life destroyed and is taking it out on her daughters.
You need to be in the outside world and very far away from Mom. Don't tolerate her hateful abuse and get yourself out. The fastest way is to enlist. Good luck!
How old are you?
That, to be honest, makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE in my answer.
Let's just start with:
If you are a minor you will reach out to Child Protective Services in your area and tell them what you have told us. Tell them you wish to be an "emancipated minor" so that you can get a job, save for a room in someone else's home and work your way up.
Your mother gets left alone at home with the 911 number and the number for adult protective services.
If you are of age, 18 being age of majority in most places, you skip the call to CPS.
You will move directly to getting a job and saving enough for a room in someone else's home. Work your way up.
Again, your mother gets left with the 911 and APS numbers.
She clearly is mentally ill.
Meanwhile ask your librarian for, or buy the book Never Simple, a memoir by Liz Scheier. That book describes Ms. S. trying to help her mother for decades. Her mother was mentally ill, and Ms. Scheier, a very smart woman, had the full help of the city and state of New York Social Services. However, her mother never could be helped. Too mentally ill. Our society has no wish to intervene in the care and protection of mentally ill persons. They are allowed to roam at will and may be dangerous to your health, even to your life.
Sorry for all you are going through. You have a lot of experience, sadly, under your belt. You are going to have to continue to survive.
Think about applying at a nursing home or other extended care facility. Without details explain a bit of your life with a mentally ill mom, everyone else having fled at age of majority, leaving you alone. Tell them you will start ANYWHERE including housekeeping and dishwashing, will prove yourself, have learned through hard experience to be patient with people, and are determined to do a great job for them.
Work your way up. At such places you may also run into Social Workers who can help you.
Access the system for all the help you can find.
I wish you good luck.
Alva is right that you need to pursue becoming an emancipated minor.
And listen, if either one of them lays a hand on you, don’t announce it, just discreetly call 911 and have them arrested.
I think you are aware that your mother is abusive and is a bad mother. You deserved so much better.
Even if your Mom loses the farm, the animals, etc. it's better that those material things are lost and not your youth and mental health and safety.
You aren't responsible for your Mom's happiness or to help her maintain the illusion/delusion that she's "independent". She's not. She's very very dependent. And trying to make you dependent as well.
She's a grown woman who should be able to figure out (or care about) that this arrangement is very damaging to you and is wholly unsustainable.
Please call a social worker or a counselor at your high school, if you are still attending. Then be prepared because your Mom will pull out all the stops when she finds out. NONETHELESS you still move ahead with getting yourself out of there and protecting your self and future.
I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you do whatever it takes.
And if your mom was well enough to have another baby, then she's well enough to take care of herself, all the animals, and the baby she chose to have.
You SHOULD NOT be your moms caregiver any longer as she no longer needs one. She's a grown a$$ woman who can now take care of herself.
Who cares if she's in pain? I certainly don't. She's using that as an excuse to keep you a prisoner for her sick and disturbed agenda, and until you get strong enough to call her bluff and call CPS, nothing will ever change.
Or you can call the police as well to report your moms now ex-boyfriend and his abuse and let them know that you're not safe anymore with your mom and you want to leave.
I mean even if you'd have to go into foster care for a short time till you turned 18, that would still be much better than the way you're living now.
It also sounds like you're not in school either, which should be reported to the authorities as you deserve a good education, plus it's the law.
You have lots of options from calling CPS, the police and if you are in school reporting these things to your teachers, BUT....you're the one that's going to have to take the first step to change your situation, and I hope and pray that you'll do just that.
First, don’t tell us whether you have yet reached your 18th birthday. Plenty of Karen’s here will report you to admin, who will then delete your account preventing us from offering feedback.
If you’re not yet 18, do everything you can NOW to prep for leaving. Save any $, contact friends or family you can trust and tell them you might need their help for a little while. Maybe start packing some clothes and such, a little at a time, which she probably won’t notice.
If she gets violent, call 911. I’m dead serious. Tell the cops or anyone who is able to help what’s happening.
Finally, and PLEASE hear me… DO NOT SEE A MAN AS YOUR ONLY TICKET OUT. This is how women go from a bad situation to a way worse situation. Women running from bad parents are desperate, and an abuser will gladly take you in and rescue you. Moves you into his house. Pays for everything. Making him think he loves you. He is getting you where he wants you. Total dependence on HIM. And you will very literally be dragged back. Men like that can spot a desperate, lonely woman a mile away. It’s great if you someday meet a kind man who legit cares… just don’t leap from one abusive situation into another.
As everyone has already said, if you're underage, report the situation to CPS, a school counselor, a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, etc. They are all by law required to report this to the proper authorities so that action can be taken on your behalf. If you're over 18, don't tell her your plans to leave -- just DO it. And if you're concerned about your little sister, and you leave, still call CPS and report her so they can rescue her as well.
Your mother is obviously not concerned with your well being as a good mother should. You have to look out for yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get out of that situation, and then seek mental health counseling to help you work through it. You will be glad you did.
You yourself may be around 18, but this newest child has 17 more years to go.