Hello, I think most of you folks know I am a fairly newcomer to the blog, but it has been such a place of support to me. I am grateful. Thank you all.
I placed my husband in respite care through hospice a week ago, and then this week transitioned him to long term care. It was a hard and difficult decision. I can no longer physically and emotionally care for him at home after seven years of being a caregiver and working full time. I have so many emotions. I know in the long run it is better, as I go almost daily, and I see he is being taken care of 24/7, which I just could no longer sustain, with private pay custodial caregivers and myself.
It's still a lot to deal with, but I'm on to the next steps of things to do. I still feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
I'm not really sure where this would go in the topic section. I'm just looking once again for support at this time, and the folks on this blog have been so supportive and not judgmental. Most of the folks in my life are. The custodial caregivers are angry because they are out of a job, and want me to find them one. My coworkers don't understand. My very few friends are telling me what to do. It's just so hard.
You are so right, your friends and coworkers just don't understand, unless they have been through the same.
Ask your friends to simply be there for you for companionship and support, and to listen when you need to talk about your feelings. They don't need to help guide your life decisions. You will figure that out in time. There is no rush to do anything new. Just keep working and visiting your husband and slowly find (re-discover) things you enjoy doing just for you, things which you haven't been able to do for several years now.
Re the custodial caregivers, this is the type of work they do. Clients go into facilities or they die and it can happen with no warning. We gave our caregivers what would have been their Christmas bonus when we let them go. They were excellent caregivers and I have always given a good reference when asked by them to do so.
Wishing you all the best as you close one chapter and begin another.
Stop explaining to your co-workers. They are co-workers, not friends (unless they have become friends, in which case they would be helping rather than criticizing).
Back off from all of these people, don't share, take some R & R. That could be cleaning out closets, taking a trip, reading a good book, or whatever else you find relaxing. Congratulate yourself for taking good care of your husband and making a decision that's beneficial for you as well as for him. Eating a whole pie by yourself is a good idea too! Why? Because you can.
I have to ask if they got any notice at all before ending their employment? When my Aunt passed suddenly and her daily aid was no longer needed, I paid her a few weeks severance. Of course you can only do what you can afford, but if they didn't have any warning, it would be moral and ethical to give them 2 weeks of severance, which doesn't go very far these days. They should surely get hired again quickly especially since you will also give them recommendation letters to present to their next gig.
I'm sorry you have to fend off the well-meaning but unhelpful input by others. I am pleased that you are being realistic and advocating for yourself. May you receive refreshment and peace in your heart as you move forward.
These issues, the caregiving of all sorts, done by people on this site—are so isolating. You are already roiling around in your head with a million emotions, trying so hard and praying for a clear, GOOD solution for everyone. A solution that not only speaks to the current situation, but future circumstances and possibilities as well. So often there is not a really “good” or ideal solution and we are left with the best solution we can find given the information, endurance, resources, etc we have at the time. So believe me, I know it really hurts when others judge, or just don’t understand. We are already judging ourselves a lot of the time, because we are human and although we may try with all our hearts, we just cannot fix everything for the people we love.
You have and are, doing a great and unselfish service for your loved one. Tune out all the other noise (including any that resides inside your head), and know we support you, understand what you are going through, and give you a virtual “hug”!
You're doing the right thing. It's hard and it's emotional, I know, but it's the best of the bad choices. That's how you need to look at it. You cannot sustain a full time job and be a full time caregiver, you'll die of exhaustion God forbid. There's no other solution here, so you take the best one. Managed care.
Others outside of our sphere don't get it. They just don't. Don't feel badly about making the only decision that supports both of your best interests. DH gets the care he needs and you get to go home after work and visiting hours and get well needed rest.
Best of luck to you.
"My coworkers don't understand." Like most things, people who haven't done XYZ can't understand. You can ignore them or when they say "I don't understand why (whatever)" you can say I know you don't understand, and I hope you never have to learn.
"My very few friends are telling me what to do." Sometimes we have to be clear about what we're looking for when we discuss things with friends. Most people have an instinct to HELP, so they're going to be spewing out "helpful" ideas as fast as they can come up with them. It's up to you to be clear. Say "I really want to talk about this because it's hard and isolating but what I need from you is just support. I am already doing the best I can so I want you to just be up to date and maybe tell me I'm doing a good job now and then."
"It's just so hard." Yes it is. And you're doing a good job.