Is it natural to feel as though I’m being used in this caregiver position? She is my mother-in-law and never really thought much of me but now I’ve changed my whole lifestyle to accommodate her moving in with us and it feels like nothing suits her. I’m a horrible person for even thinking about the way I’ve been treated in the past instead of focusing on her needs now.
It is hard to maintain caregiving when the relationship was good prior to the decline. To start out with a history of "not so great", it makes it all the harder to care for the person.
Since you are already in the situation, I guess my advice is to try your best to forgive her and take care of her. If it becomes unbearable, you may have to have a heart to heart with your husband. Explain your struggle and that you did your best, but other arrangements will need to be made.
Would I have resented being "volunteered" to provide all the care, feeding, entertainment and potentially verbal abuse? You betcha! It isn't so much as being resentful because of past treatment, but rather there's no real relationship between us. It's more like providing free care to a stranger in many ways.
Your profile says she's 81 with mobility and vision issues. Is she not capable of getting meals for herself? These days 81 isn't really that old. My mother lived alone until her early 90's when dementia stepped in. She cared for her own place, herself, meals, etc. Dementia presented issues with that, but until then, she did just fine by herself.
I am also one who tends to stay up late, sleep in a bit later, find something to eat when the body requires something. I don't really do "meals", so that would have been an issue for me. Sometimes I drag my feet when grocery shopping is needed, so I have to get "creative" with whatever I can dig up that's here.
What kind of breakfast or lunch is needed? Can she not get hot or cold cereal herself? Prepare a sandwich and/or soup for lunch? If not, just put all the necessities for these where she can access them and let her fend for herself. Unless her mobility issues prevent her from doing this, then let her do it. Entertainment? What does one actually do to "entertain" an 81 year old? No previous hobbies? Get her some books or magazines, newspaper (unless her vision problems are so bad she can't read.) Some suggested adult day care, but many of our "adults" reject that (my mother tried that with my father, but he hated it, since many there were really not all there - a lot depends on what's available in your area, how good they are at "entertaining" and what the other clients are like.)
If her mobility and vision are that bad, then it might be a good idea to chat with your husband about hiring someone who can prepare those meals and keep her company. You should not have to stay tied to the home and kow-tow to her every whim. Evening meal presumably is shared with your husband, so no big deal to make/provide enough for a 3rd person.
Something we've suggested to others in your situation is to request he take a week or two off and provide the care and entertainment for his mother while you take a mini-vacation, even if it's just a local hotel. Sometimes until another has to walk those miles in our shoes, they don't get how difficult it can be. This IS his mother, after all. HE should be participating, not just expecting you to give up any semblance of life.
if you can only tolerate short spans of caregiving due to the nature of your relationship, insist on hiring help to cover some of the hours. Your MIL will appreciate you more if you aren’t there all the time anyway.
Can MIL do anything for herself, such as get her own breakfast and lunch if the items are available?
Have heart to heart with hubby about how you feel. If mom is staying with you, home aides need to come in and relieve you from time to time and take some some of the load off you and let you have some semblance of your old life.
Another option is to have mom placed in the appropriate Sr Living community. In a senior community she will be with others in her age group that she can associate with. There are usually activities she can participate in.
Home aides or senior living would be paid for by mom.
I wish you luck and hope an agreeable solution can be found.
Evaluate with your spouse -and any other family that lives with you - about what parts of family lifestyle need to be "recaptured" and which are OK to let go.
Also, make sure that every person in the home is having his/her needs met - not just MIL.
Lastly, make sure that you - and rest of family - come up with ways to handle your MIL's problem behavior. I like the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries" to guide the boundary-setting plans.
HAve a talk with her znd let her know how you feel, what she can expect and any other choices she may have and see if ya'll can work things out.
It is not your responsibility to wait on her.
It is not your responsibility to be her entertainment director.
If you don't eat breakfast until later, then it is her responsibility to feed herself if she is hungry earlier. A programmable coffee maker may help. Have yoghurt in the fridge, bread or bagels near the toaster, some fresh fruit and she should be good to go. If she wants a hot breakfast, she can wait until the weekend and your husband can make it for her.
For lunches, options include, her waiting until you make your lunch, setting aside left overs for her to reheat when she wants to eat, her warming up some soup in the microwave etc. You are not a short order cook.
My former grandmother in law, used to insist that dinner be on the table at 6 pm on the dot. Nobody ever said no to her until I came along. She was perfectly capable of helping with the cooking, but expected to be treated like a queen. I had her first great grandchild and was preparing dinner when he needed feeding. As he was breastfed, I was the only one who could feed him. Needless to say dinner was not ready for 6 pm. When she had a hissy fit I read her the riot act. Told her she was perfectly capable of peeling the spuds and starting them cooking while I was feeding the baby. That she was not welcome to eat food I prepared until she apologized and washed the dishes for the following week.
OP you need to stand your ground with your MIL and your husband.
You're now in the stage of the counter reaction, realizing how demanding (and more) that it can be. This is the time to assess your lifestyle changes, identify modifications that don't compromise your own lifestyle or goals, and then move forward.
Easier said than done? Right! Absolutely! Spend some time identifying all the areas of change, how they can be modified, and importantly, how your husband can pitch in and help. After all, he should definitely be involved as well. If he's not, that puts the whole situation in a different perspective, and you'll have to establish some rules for him as he absolutely should be involved as well. And this could cause friction if he sees you in the Cinderella role.
You might want to consider that, how he specifically can help. And dismiss the concept that you're a horrible person; that's a big step down the path to loss of self confidence and self esteem.
Good luck, and don't let this new arrangement compromise your self image.
If it helps you to read others' stories or ask questions please stay for as long as you need!
Some write just to vent, others want practical steps towards change. Sometimes a new point of view can be illuminating.
When I asked my own questions I remember just staring at the replies & feelings less alone, amazed strangers would reply. I read the common sense replies & suddenly 'saw' how I needed to stand up for myself. Since then I have read so many stories of people stepping in to care from obligation/sense of duty & then working it out as they went.
It's can becomes a complicated tale - especially when a 2nd Queen joins the Castle! That clash of respect - is the householder still in charge? Or now the elder? And the mere Man must sometimes choose who to bow to first, Wife or Mother...
Welcome.
It is great that you are here you will find the support you need. Also search to see if there are in person support grounded s for caregivers near you.
This all from a woman we’ve admitted to ourselves neither of us have any love for. This is more an obligation than a love decision. She was abusive to her husband (who was awesome), and her children. The last time she hugged my husband was when he was 10 (he thinks).
She sabotaged our wedding, frequently made fun of my weight and body in front of me (but in another language - I still knew), and was horrible to me.
The bright side? She can’t hold a grudge anymore because she can’t remember. She’s mellowed out a lot, and although her quirks are most definitely annoying, I can’t deny that in a pandemic, it’s the right thing to do.
Just know that this is not forever. Life is always in flux. Sometimes it goes our way, and sometimes it doesn’t, but nothing is permanent. This is just how life is right now, not forever.
😊 Sorry, I would not get up early to get her breakfast. Me, I am up late so I get up about 9am. I did get up earlier when Mom did, she got up about 8. And lunch, if you need to go out, then leave her something. You deserve to have a life. You do not need to entertain her. If your invited to go out to lunch then go. Visit with a friend, go. As long as she doesn't have Dementia you can keep as normal a life as you need to. Just make sure she has everything she needs. Get her to the potty before you leave.
You need to set Boundries for you. What you are willing and not willing to do. Maybe she would enjoy a Adult daycare or a Senior Center. That would give you some time to yourself.
Speak to your husband about moving his mother out of your home and into senior living of some kind so you can go back to your previous lifestyle.
Good luck!
It's really not fair that your husband now expects you to keep his mother entertained and cared for while he is at work, especially knowing that his mother never really thought much of you.
Perhaps it's time to tell him that he needs to hire some outside help to come in(with moms money of course)to assist you and give you some much needed breaks, so you can go and do whatever you want, as you are not his mothers keeper.
Or better yet, tell him that you will go to work and he can stay home and take care of his mother. I would venture to guess that he would either have hired help in ASAP, or would even consider having her placed in the appropriate facility.
Use your voice to share your concerns with your husband sooner than later, or you will start to harbor ill feelings towards him as well.