I don't know where to start. I am POA for my 97 year old aunt. She is my dad's sister. She has no children. I have been dealing with her for 2 years after she finally decided to go to independent living. She had me sell her house, which she still screams at me about. Finally after moving she decides to stop driving. She had multiple fender benders in her car that she wouldn't tell me about or if she did, it wasn't her fault. She's lucky she didn't injure someone. The final one was at her new appointment complex where she backed into a box truck twice, claiming a cat was there. I saw the video, no cat. She signed the car over to me. My 16 year old daughter drives it now. It took $800+ dollars to fix the car so the bumpers wouldn't fall off. She insists she is a good driver. I've taken her for groceries and she purposely disappeared in the store to avoid me and I couldn't find her. I was about 1 minute from calling the police to help look for her at Walmart. I don't take her anymore. I get her groceries which are never right. She'll bad mouth me to her neighbors and tell me what I messed up. Funny, I follow her list and she'll insist that I bought stuff not on the list or I can't read. She falls and gets the ambulance for lift assist, calls me demanding I come to her. She'll refuse medical care but weeks later will fall again and get the ambulance again. Last week, she insisted on going to the ER, and no fall. They found a fractured sacrum which she never complained about. It is healing so I don't know how long she had it. Now suddenly her back is out and pain in her right leg. Demands I take her to the chiropractor. I told her I was calling her doctor to make sure she can go to the chiropractor. I know he won't allow it and sure the chiropractor won't see her. She called a friend to get information on the chiropractor and confirm she doesn't need a referral. I spoke to friend. He says her shoulder is hurting. What? She calls me screaming this morning that she doesn't need her doctor to agree to chiropractor and I need to do this immediately. Today is Sunday. This is just a hint of the things she'll do. I can't sleep for fear she'll call me in the middle of the night or early morning, demanding I get to her and wait for the ambulance because she fell. She cleans cooks and does her laundry. I tried to get her someone to help her and she refused. I handle her checking account. She has no bills. I have stuff set up for automatic withdrawal from her checking. I arranged for the local elderly bus to take her to get her hair done. It took me over a year to convince her to do that. I was taking her but it was a constant complaint about me getting her a weekly appointment. I'm sorry I'm babbling. She calls generally 6 am on a Saturday or Sunday, yelling at me because she fell. The emergency chord in her apartment sets off an alarm in the building. I tried to get her a life alert necklace to use when she falls. It had an indented button that you can't bump. She purposely pushed it and got in a screaming conflict with the emergency operator. She refused to keep it. I don't have anyone to help deal with her. My husband refuses to interact with her at all. His mother died and my aunt criticized her. No words of sympathy from her. I don't know how much more of her I can take.
And quite honestly it sounds like she's well past independent living and should be moved into an assisted living facility, where she will be looked after better and if she falls they will be right there to pick her up or call 911 if necessary.
Also you do NOT have to remain being your aunts POA if it is just too much for you now. You can go to a lawyer and have that revoked and then let the state take over her care. That sounds like it would be a win win for all involved.
And depending on whether you have a durable POA for your aunt which goes into effect the day it is signed and allows you to get your aunt placed wherever you want and where she needs to be, or if you have a springing POA that requires usually 2 doctors to deem her incompetent, you have options to get her placed where she now needs to be.
Option #2 is like what others have suggested: you resign your PoA, and report her to APS over and over until they get her a court-assigned guardian. Make sure to get your name off of any joint accounts. The new guardian will definitely be able to get her into a facility and will then manage all her affairs. You will have no access or insight into any of her finances or affairs any more. Neither do you have to worry about managing any of it.
Option #3 is you call 911 and tell them she is agitated and may have an untreated UTI and is not cooperating with care., At the ER tell the discharge planner she is an "unsafe discharge" and refuse to take her back home. Then ask to talk to the hospital social worker about having her transitioned directly into a facility. Not sure if you can pull this off without your PoA being active.
Aunt needs a good physical if she has not had one in a while. Maybe she could use some anxiety meds. If she is part of a Senior community that has AL and LTC, they will evaluate her to see if she still qualifies for independent living. If they say "its time for AL" then she must go to an AL.
Second, just resign as POA and let APS take over her care. Despite your best and heroic attempts, this is not working because she is unwilling to cooperate. She's not happy with what you're doing, not because of you, but because of her cognitive and/or mental health issues. APS will have some kinds of authority that you as her agent under POA do not.
As a lifelong manipulator, she's enjoying the power struggle, so you'll never "win." Just get yourself, your husband, and your child(ren) out from under it all. An inheritance in nice, but you don't know whether she will or won't leave it to you, or may need to spend it on her care in Assisted Living or Memory Care in the future.
In the meantime order her groceries for delivery to her door, keep your phone silenced during normal sleep hours, and let her calls go to voicemail so you can decide whether to ignore her because she's just ranting or call her back because it's a genuine matter.
You'll probably have some PTSD for a while but it will all be a big relief once you're not catering to her demands.
But, please know I hear you - and I know deep down in my heart, my once caring and loving aunt would be appalled at her own behavior. Senility, memory issues and old age really take a toll. But - even with that said - I will not allow myself to be abused. Hugs to you.
See an elder law attorney.
The first thing that has to be ascertained is whether or not Aunt is competent. You put this under dementia. Is she demented? If you you need to be replaced by an authority of the state for Aunt's protection. This all falls under the real of Elder Law Attorney and your POA pays for it.
The manner of your resignation, whether simple letter informing Aunt you are resigning and letting any entities know you no longer are acting for Aunt OR the more onerous notification of the court depends upon the competence of Aunt to act in her own behalf once you resign--that is to say, her competence under the law. This is why advice now from an elder law attorney is crucial.
As I just wrote to another person here, it is impossible to act on behalf of an uncooperative senior. You will get NO THANKS for it and no one will be made any happier for it.
I hope your message, and the other on Forum today from Julie, will serve to warn others to stop taking on POA for seniors without great thought. It is at BEST a very difficult task and at worst impossible.
Resign and get on with your life. Aunt can, if competent, hire a Fiduciary to act for her. If not competent the state will be hired to manage her affairs, her assets and her placement. You will be free to visit as the beloved Niece rather than as the hated caregiver who is buckling under the pain and work.
In my humble opinion it is time to resign your POA.
I hope your message, and the other on Forum today from Julie, will serve to warn others to stop taking on POA for seniors without great thought. It is at BEST a very difficult task and at worst impossible.
As I just wrote to another person here, it is impossible to act on behalf of an uncooperative senior. You will get NO THANKS for it and no one will be made any happier for it.
I can 100% attest to this. I was dealing with the same thing from my aunt and I can't agree more!
Good luck with getting her the help she needs!
You do not need to become a slave to seniors. There are courts that can handle matters with these seniors. Stop taking uneccessary abuse.
Does she need a POA at this time?
She sounds like she has capacity.
Inform her that you will no longer act as her POA Inform the Attorney that you are no longer going to be her POA.
When she needs one the Court can appoint a POA and that person can deal with her.
If you do not wish to do this and you want to remain POA for some reason then you MUST establish BOUNDARIES and adhere to them.
I wouldn't tolerate her screaming at you, but walk away or hang up the phone. If your aunt is capable of making her own arrangements you could let her know that you are out of her business and walk away. It's not clear to me whether or not your aunt has dementia. My mother behaved like this all her life. She wasn't diagnosed with dementia till she was 96.
I agreed to be POA, but set some strong boundaries for my own survival. I see you don't take her to Walmart any more. Good!!! I did as much as I could at arm's length. Can she take cabs to her various appointments? You don't have to be at her beck and call and do everything she wants you to do. With very demanding people, the more you give, the more they want, I have found.
She uses her anger to manipulate you. So she gets angry when you say "No", Whatever. Looks like she will be angry regardless. So detach, and emotionally distance yourself if you want to continue to help. It's still not pleasant dealing with someone like that but more bearable. And be sure to take time out for you or you and your husband or friends and do things you enjoy.
With mother, there was no pleasing her, so I did what I thought was right, no matter what she wanted. Sometimes she was OK with that and sometimes she wasn't. I still did what I thought was right.
It's up to you whether you decide to continue to help her or not. You have that choice. She is not in charge here -you are.
POA generally require the agent to act in the principal's best interest and manage their financial, legal, and/or medical affairs. This includes duties like paying bills, managing bank accounts, making medical decisions, and filing taxes, while keeping the principal's assets separate and documented.
I have never heard of a POA that includes requiring driving people to appointments, shopping for them, taking their calls in the middle of the night, rushing over to pick them up off the floor, arranging transportation to hair appointments or anything remotely like that.
Those are all entirely separate snd VOLUNTARY decisions not specified by any legal requirement. It sounds to me like you should just say no.
If she complains when you see her simply tell her you've had other commitments.
Outsource everything.
I'd set up one day a week or one day every other week for an exceptionally brief visit (like 20 minutes).
Ship treats in via Amazon, Walmart shipping etc.
So basically in other words, the court is really not going to do anything.