FIL is 89. He has had, since April of this year, cardiac ablation surgery, a heart attack after the surgery, and a cardiac stent placement. He is the caregiver to my MIL who is 83 with dementia and mobility issues. He doesn’t help her bathe and lets her sit around the house in clothes with food spills all over them. They have plenty of money but are ridiculously cheap.
I obtained in home help for them at $20 an hour. My MIL was verbally abusive to her caregiver, insisting the caregiver sleep on the floor in her bedroom. They then refused to pay the caregiver until her son threatened them with legal action. I knew none of this was happening until the caregiver notified me after she was dismissed. My husband works insane hours and is an only child. I have MS and cared for my own mother until she passed last year. I’m unwilling to care for them due to my own health issues and the fact that they were incredibly cruel to me and my parents over the years. We have spoken with their GP and made her aware of what is happening and are having a family meeting with her next week. If nothing changes, and I’m convinced it won’t, what do we do? Let the inevitable happen? We have tried to help but we get nowhere. They are also one another’s POA. Frankly, neither of them is competent enough to make important decisions for the other.
To be honest, we all die. A call will come. "The Call" we call it here. It will be from a hospital or from a coroner, and you will HAVE to respond, but at least at that time there will be social workers to help get them assessed and get that POA out of their hands, making you temporary guardian for placement and repair if it can be done. Whether they die at home, or live a few more years in memory care, miserable and uncooperative seems to me a toss-up in terms of which is preferrable.
Choices here are really for your spouse. Be supportive of whatever he/she wishes to do.
Time to look out for your own health! If it helps, take heart in the truth that this won't go on much longer. It can't. They're both so sick in mind and body that it will likely be over soon. I'm very sorry that this is happening to your family.
This frys my a$$. Your husband should have shut that bs down the 1st time they were cruel to you, now he gets to deal with the fallout all by his sorry self. I wouldn't even be a sympathetic ear for my husband, actually he would be my ex. I deserve a man that fulfills his vows to me, so do you.
I can't get over how many spouses let their parents treat the person they chose to spend their lives with, like crap. Whataman! Not!
You will have to let the neglect advance to the degree that government can interfere. Which is usually when things are really really bad. Think feces, rodents, spoiled or no food.
Treat your own anxiety for your healths sake.
If you go to the meeting and the doctor allowed it to go long enough to say, I would mention (without emotion or shaming or drama or pleading) that as FIL is competent and her legal rep you are unable to suggest or provide care beyond government intervention when it becomes mandatory. That you don’t want the doctor to believe they have help at home. They do not. He refuses to pay and she doesn’t want a caregiver. Of course DH could just put that in a note and hand it to the nurse before going in.
I sure hope you aren’t taking them to the doctor or buying their groceries or picking up their meds or doing their laundry or cooking them food while at the same time trying to get them to hire help.
If that’s the case, they have no need to hire anyone as long as they have you.
If DH wants to continue he needs to speak plainly to his father about what it will take.
Find a therapist for yourself. Treat your anxiety. Come here to vent if you find it helpful.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation.
You have 3 choices
Wait for something to happen .
Call APS
Call the County Agency of Aging .
Whatever help you are providing , step back . Don’t prop them up at home . The only thing I would do is have their groceries delivered.
That's what they want, right? Give it to them.
I am truly amazed at how many people actually think that they are going to take their money with them after they are gone.
Let them be and live your life. Seek out a therapist to help guide you through this difficult time if you think it can be beneficial to lowering your stress. Best wishes.
Actually if your husband wants to continue helping that is up to him but you back out.
If any other family member is helping they should stop as well.
Be honest...why should I spend my money on paying for help if I have family that can do the same thing for free? I am sure that is the thought process that his parents have. We all want to save for our "golden years" or to provide an inheritance to family members. I think most "family members" would be happy with less or none if it meant they did not have to help on a day to day basis.