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FIL is 89. He has had, since April of this year, cardiac ablation surgery, a heart attack after the surgery, and a cardiac stent placement. He is the caregiver to my MIL who is 83 with dementia and mobility issues. He doesn’t help her bathe and lets her sit around the house in clothes with food spills all over them. They have plenty of money but are ridiculously cheap.
I obtained in home help for them at $20 an hour. My MIL was verbally abusive to her caregiver, insisting the caregiver sleep on the floor in her bedroom. They then refused to pay the caregiver until her son threatened them with legal action. I knew none of this was happening until the caregiver notified me after she was dismissed. My husband works insane hours and is an only child. I have MS and cared for my own mother until she passed last year. I’m unwilling to care for them due to my own health issues and the fact that they were incredibly cruel to me and my parents over the years. We have spoken with their GP and made her aware of what is happening and are having a family meeting with her next week. If nothing changes, and I’m convinced it won’t, what do we do? Let the inevitable happen? We have tried to help but we get nowhere. They are also one another’s POA. Frankly, neither of them is competent enough to make important decisions for the other.

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Time to call APS for a safety assessment for this couple. It sounds they are endangered now by their own decision making. You may need guardianship to intervene here. Are you certain you WANT that, because I assure you that intervening for a couple this adamant and uncooperative would make of your life a living nightmare.

To be honest, we all die. A call will come. "The Call" we call it here. It will be from a hospital or from a coroner, and you will HAVE to respond, but at least at that time there will be social workers to help get them assessed and get that POA out of their hands, making you temporary guardian for placement and repair if it can be done. Whether they die at home, or live a few more years in memory care, miserable and uncooperative seems to me a toss-up in terms of which is preferrable.

Choices here are really for your spouse. Be supportive of whatever he/she wishes to do.
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The inevitable will happen despite your efforts, it just may look uglier. An event is coming that will force change, it always does. You can call Adult Protective Services in their county to get them on the radar for not being safe in their home, but the bar is often low and they may not force any change if they see a clean enough home, with working utilities, and food. Otherwise, it may be time to back off and leave them to it. Let this be your husband and his family’s issue, stay far out of it. I wish you well in finding the best path forward, one that doesn’t involve any hands on care from you
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They've decided how they wish to spend their end days, and as you've noted, there's nothing anyone can do about it. After the family meeting with their GP, whatever the outcome, it's a good time for you to back off. Let everyone else handle it.

Time to look out for your own health! If it helps, take heart in the truth that this won't go on much longer. It can't. They're both so sick in mind and body that it will likely be over soon. I'm very sorry that this is happening to your family.
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I think the key in this situation is that they are each other's POA's. Changing that will be the turning point to getting them into a place where care is no longer in their own hands. Elder abuse is often overlooked when it is committed by a loved one in their own home and from your description of both the physical neglect and verbal abuse, elder attorney and someone who is willing and qualified to be the Power of Attorney who is clearly seeing the situation for what it is and willing to do the work to make positive changes happen for the sake of their quality of life can change this trajectory from tragic to manageable. If the husband is abusive to his wife in more ways than neglecting her physical needs, it may be best to place them in long term care where they can receive multi-level care. This is a situation that will only worsen with time unless intervention happens.
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You should step completely away from anyone that has been extremely cruel to you over years. Let them exercise their freedom to rot and go live your life.

This frys my a$$. Your husband should have shut that bs down the 1st time they were cruel to you, now he gets to deal with the fallout all by his sorry self. I wouldn't even be a sympathetic ear for my husband, actually he would be my ex. I deserve a man that fulfills his vows to me, so do you.

I can't get over how many spouses let their parents treat the person they chose to spend their lives with, like crap. Whataman! Not!
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My cousin suffered from MS for 20 years. The one thing is, you do not need the stress this couple will give you. Everytime my cousin was under stress, she landed in the hospital. You cannot be responsible for them. Your husband does not have the time. Its so hard to work with a stubborn person. Call APS or Office of Aging and allow them to evaluate the situation. Make them aware that with MS there is no way you can care for them and husband needs to work.
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Tell your fil, who is still of sound mind, that either he accepts family control now or it will be state control later.
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APS will not be impressed with food on clothes. That’s just a sign she has food.
You will have to let the neglect advance to the degree that government can interfere. Which is usually when things are really really bad. Think feces, rodents, spoiled or no food.

Treat your own anxiety for your healths sake.

If you go to the meeting and the doctor allowed it to go long enough to say, I would mention (without emotion or shaming or drama or pleading) that as FIL is competent and her legal rep you are unable to suggest or provide care beyond government intervention when it becomes mandatory. That you don’t want the doctor to believe they have help at home. They do not. He refuses to pay and she doesn’t want a caregiver. Of course DH could just put that in a note and hand it to the nurse before going in.

I sure hope you aren’t taking them to the doctor or buying their groceries or picking up their meds or doing their laundry or cooking them food while at the same time trying to get them to hire help.

If that’s the case, they have no need to hire anyone as long as they have you.

If DH wants to continue he needs to speak plainly to his father about what it will take.

Find a therapist for yourself. Treat your anxiety. Come here to vent if you find it helpful.
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I agree with others that it is time to tell them what happens if they don't make a competent person their PoA: APS comes in and then puts them on track for a court-assigned legal guardian who is not their son. Tell them this then see what they think. If nothing changes then contact APS. Do not pay for anything and don't put any energy into trying to wrangle money out of them.

I'm so sorry for this distressing situation.
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I doubt your FIL will give control to family who are sensible and will spend their money on their care .

You have 3 choices
Wait for something to happen .
Call APS
Call the County Agency of Aging .

Whatever help you are providing , step back . Don’t prop them up at home . The only thing I would do is have their groceries delivered.
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You back away and let them take care of their own health and care needs.

That's what they want, right? Give it to them.
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Lylii1 Aug 9, 2025
I agree completely. Enough is enough.
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Maybe obtaining legal guardianship over them would allow you to make decisions that need to be made for them. You probably need to take over their finances, to prevent them from making decisions that would cause them to lose all their assets. If they have the funds to go into assisted living, that is probably the best option - they may even need to go into memory care. If that isn't possible, and they won't accept outside care, then I would personally let the inevitable happen. You and your family have your own problems and also deserve to be allowed to live your own lives. You are under no obligation to take care of them, especially when they mistreat you. Just my opinion.
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Just wait until one of them gets hospitalized for their foolish resistance. Then you can swoop in to have a meeting with a social worker or discharge planner and tell them of an unsafe discharge. Hopefully if they agree they will assist on getting one of them into a facility based on their expert medical advice
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Easy answer - you do nothing. This is so not your problem.

I am truly amazed at how many people actually think that they are going to take their money with them after they are gone.
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You mention your husband works “insane hours” which appears to get him off the hook. You should step away from this mess as well considering your in-laws want to do their own thing with no assistance from anyone. You have a debilitating disease that makes it impossible for you to care for them in any way except maybe contacting social worker, APS, etc. Considering how badly you say they treated you and your family, I wouldn’t even do that much.
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talk to the GP, let her guide you. She has experience in this. you don't.
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There’s some great advice here already. If these people treated you poorly, that alone would be an extremely valuable reason to step away and focus solely on your own health. But, in addition, they don’t want help and are abusive to those who tried.
Let them be and live your life. Seek out a therapist to help guide you through this difficult time if you think it can be beneficial to lowering your stress. Best wishes.
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If you and your husband are doing ANYTHING to help them STOP.
Actually if your husband wants to continue helping that is up to him but you back out.
If any other family member is helping they should stop as well.
Be honest...why should I spend my money on paying for help if I have family that can do the same thing for free? I am sure that is the thought process that his parents have. We all want to save for our "golden years" or to provide an inheritance to family members. I think most "family members" would be happy with less or none if it meant they did not have to help on a day to day basis.
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PattyBinWV: Good decision not to enable them.
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