We can't get married because of her! She is always sick and very selfish. She goes in and out of the hospital because she doesn't follow the doctor's orders. My partner and I are starting to save some money for our wedding, and now his mother is in a hospital again and will undergo surgery because she slipped and hit her head. That is because she thinks she is superwoman! She doesn't even say thank you to me or to her son! So now, our savings will go to her medical bills, because she didn't bother working and just depends on her children's salary. She didn't even raised her son well! My partner would go to school without lunch because his mom didn't prepare anything for him. So my partner would ask his friends to spare him some food. And now??? My partner is responsible for her when she wasn't a responsible mother at all!!! She is selfish!!! She is very demanding too! My partner and I can't even enjoy our lives because there's always something wrong with her. I just want her to be gone because I feel so bad for her son. Her son is experiencing depression now because of the stress she's bringing into the family. She doesn't even say thank you! She doesn't follow doctor's orders! She is stubborn and will go against the dont's!!! In short, she is wasting her son's money and efforts! I hope this time, she dies!!!
Oh, and she also said to me before "how did you even graduate from college?" She was so shocked that I have a degree. I put my chin up and said, "Because my parents worked so hard and because they took care of me, my mom prepared my food"... she couldn't even do that for her son! She also keeps on bragging about the achievements of her son as if she made some contribution to it when all she could give to his son is stress!!!
The mom's Insurance even with Medicare should take care of the Hospital Bills..
If she has no money, she should be able to be on Medicaide.
Your husband to be does not need to use the excuse of his mom for ya'll not getting married.
Do you want to get Married or Have A Big Wedding?
I would choose a small Wedding and save the money for a nice Get Away Honeymoon to Hawaii as soon as they allow entrance.
She can hope to find a nice guy that has an interest in her at a later time. She should enjoy the single life for awhile!
You weren’t describing a man who cares about YOU. Someone who will dig their heels in when their mother is upsetting YOU. Won’t stand up to ‘everyone’ or possibly ANYONE in order to protect YOU. You were describing a milk-sop. He sees you 8 hours a month!!! Have you read the book called ‘Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You’! It says that if he is crazy about you he will move heaven and earth to see you.
Now you have the guts to say “ME AND MY FIANCE ARE BEING USED BY HIS ABUSIVE AND NARCISSISTIC MOM!”. Make sure that he has the guts to say it too. If he doesn’t, leave while you can and DON’T GET PREGNANT. This is hard enough now.
There are photos on fb, they look happy. She has a well rounded set of friends, and they go to each other's weddings. They both work hard. And spend some of their money on travel. Some on holidays, visiting their family and friends. They got a dog, and call themselves 'pawrents'. There is just enough time for this, and this is the time of their lives. They are not yet married.
This is not bragging on my part, and their relationship is not perfect, as they do have parents who are alcoholics and divorced.
Blair, maybe you could be having more fun?
You don't havea MIL if you aren't married, and all the whining in the world doesn't make a square peg fit in a round hole. This is toxicity at its worst, and the mother isn't the toxic one.
If you continue in this relationship, you will look back on how you feel now as the "good times".
You have a degree and I'm assuming a decent job. Keep your money completely separate. Don't make any big purchases together, especially a house. And for God's sake, don't marry into a situation that you already know is going be a nightmare.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201612/marriage-vs-the-single-life-who-has-it-better
Then late last night it hit me WHY it was bugging me: Because I absolutely wouldn't want ANYONE to have to go through what I (and obviously many others) went through, all for the sake of 'love'.
The ONLY thing that has 'saved' my marriage is that my DH really doesn't jump and run whenever his mom calls anymore. At first, before she divorced FIL, there was no need for DH to show up at a moment's notice. After the divorce we had a lot of years where she simply called over everything, if I was the one who showed up to replace the sprinkler, she'd lock herself in her house. And then have the house re-keyed because I now knew where the spare key was. Seriously.
I would take a long break from this man. 8 hours a week? I have a more intimate relationship with my Alexa!
You need some serious counseling to see why you are 'helping' care for a woman who is, quite literally NOTHING to you.
Love needs to be fed and nurtured. Yours isn't getting much more than lip service. Please--don't be so desperate to not be alone that you make a mistake that will bring you pain and sorrow.
Intelligent, well rounded people understand that in a marriage, the man LEAVES his wife and CLEAVES unto his wife.
You need to reconcile yourself with never having what you need or want from this mommas boy that you have attached yourself to.
8 hours a month does not a relationship or commitment make.
If you were smart you would be looking for a marriage with an available man and quit wasting your time trying to will his mother to die. He has shown you time and again that she is his 1st priority.
Don’t blame you for being frustrated with this unfortunate situation.
You call her your mother in law, yet you say you aren't married. You not being married has nothing to do with her. If what you're saying is you consider yourselves common law married and you are wanting a big wedding ceremony/party. That's different.
Your partner is responsible for her because he wants to be. It may not be what you want in your life, but for some reason he wants her in his. Not sure how long you two have been together, but it sounds like mom is going to remain a priority. If you're not happy in this arrangement now, you probably won't be later on either. Sounds like he will continue to use whatever extra cash he has to help her out. On the other hand, if you want to remain here, then lower your expectations of the wedding.
Are you wanting a big blow out party or just to have folks around to witness a wedding? It doesn't have to cost a great deal of money to have a wedding.
It seems she gives you stress and perhaps not so much for her son.
Not sure of her age, but sounds like not old enough for Soc Sec or Medicare. If she has legitimate, documented illness, have you applied for SSI for her? It's for disabled people who didn't earn enough in their life to qualify for Soc Sec. If she was married to someone for 10 years and disabled, she may be able to qualify for Social Security of that husband.
You can also check the area where you live for health care options. Some counties have low income assistance. Some also have indigent care assistance. There is also the affordable care health plan (some call it Obama care) to apply for. Seems it would be cheaper to pay for insurance each month than to pay huge hospital bills. You can also talk to the social worker at the hospital to let them know she has no money - they can probably direct you to assistance options.
Does she live with you - or you/boyfriend live in her house with her? The answer to that would also be a little more insight. It's no logical that a person never worked in their life and didn't have someone providing for them. More to the story, I think
I Don't really want to hurt, for example, my dad. I'm a religious person and know the consequences.
Sometimes, a situation just brings the thoughts on. That's why we need a change and a solution, like you and finance leaving toxic MIL.
As for me, I need to leave dad. Have someone else care for him
I am a believer as well, but I recognize that there are moral agnostics and atheists.
Some atheists are more moral than hypocritical Christians who use the Lord’s name to harm others. Sad, isn’t it?
Regardless of consequences, a moral person would not wish to take away a life of anyone, not even an enemy.
I agree that everyone has passing thoughts. Thoughts don’t harm anyone, only actions hurt others.
Why, exactly, is your partner responsible for his mother? Is this a choice he has made? Has someone forced him into this position? Could he divest himself from this responsibility if he chose?
I hate to seem cruel and unthinking, but if your relationship is not the first priority for your partner are you sure you want to continue this? Such complex family relationships never get better after marriage and often get worse.
I think we could all write books!
This is an excellent example of not comingling money and finances with another person. You have a person who has ability to save and a partner who spends whatever he has plus whatever he can get his hands on. You can bet your bottom dollar, if she lost her job their 'partnership' would suffer. She is not the priority in the relationship now and may never be. It kind of that old saying - if you keep on doing what you're always doing, you keep on getting what you've been getting. In this case, she's getting an empty palm stretched in her direction for a handout. She needs to get her name off his account - new account for her money and separate for his money. Split common expenses down the middle. If he runs out of money, oh well. Wait for the next pay day. If she wants to donate a little cash to his family situation, you donate what you can afford. You don't clean out your bank account.
She may think she has a future with this guy, I see a pretty bumpy road if things are already this one sided. And a finance issue like this will get HUGE as time goes on. Probably number one reason for divorce.
Then all of the sane people could live their lives in peace! Hey, I am not wishing anyone dead like the OP. Just lock them up for a loooooong time with their own kind. They would end up killing each other!
Just a joke, people. Feeling sarcastic! PLEASE don’t take this post seriously.
I do have a feeling that the OP would love my idea and throw away the key if her partner’s mom was in a locked room for crazies!
Consider how all this has made you feel and act.
Having thoughts that you wish someone were dead is not a good reflection on you. It signals hate and bitterness is brewing.
You call her your Mil, she is not.
To whom did you give the wedding money to? I suggest you withdraw all that you have contributed to the fund and tuck it away in your own account, now. Did you buy your own engagement ring also?
Money has already become an issue between you. A joint savings account between fiances is strange to me. It is customary for the bride's family to offer the wedding, hold the rehearsal dinner. It is customary for the groom to buy the ring, propose, pay for the wedding flowers, and other customs. Is your family on board with that?
The future bride cannot capture a man by giving him money, imo.
(Unless you are looking for an irresponsible gigolo?). You are worth more than that.
It would be more like human nature if you backed off, allowed him to pursue you by gently dancing away. He may only then be willing to leave home and his mother, and grandmother's demands.
imo. Next time he offers you 8 hours of his weekly time, say you are busy elsewhere. Trying on wedding dresses with your girlfriends?
If your culture is different, and you plan to move in and live with his family...and to give a dowry, that exchange is not done until you are married, in a lot of cultures and traditions. imo.
All I can think of the sad scenario you have presented is what would I advise if you were my grand-daughter?
Wishing you the best, and a real education about scam artists.
You say that you love him. I understand that you love him. You deserve love too. Is he showing you love?
You are frustrated and have a right to be. I’m sure that he is frustrated too. He most likely feels trapped. He has been conditioned to believe he must be available to her. He may even feel guilty even though he doesn’t have a reason to feel guilty. His mom has exhibited self centered and manipulative behavior for years!
His mom is responsible for herself. If a person needs help getting over a hump and you choose to help, that is admirable but if you see a clear pattern of someone continuously needing help then you should not feel guilty about stepping away. He needs deprogramming. He has lived in a ‘cult like’ atmosphere.
You haven’t been able to speak to him about any of this so you are about to explode.
Both of you need to talk about your issues, preferably with a mediator such as a ‘marriage and family therapist.’ If it isn’t resolved with therapy then run away as fast as you can. Yes, it will hurt. You will heal and most likely will find a terrific guy later on.
That would be very helpful for each of you. I wish you well.
look into a someone who offers counseling with an income based pay scale.
What will happen if you just refuse to pay the hospital. If it is MIL’s debt then I would not think they could hold her son responsible. I have not personally dealt with this so just wondering what your options are.
I think you are definitely not a bad person and pretty wise to try to deal with this now! I would tell you some thoughts I have had about my mother but probably not appropriate on a public forum! 😀 Good luck!
Great post!
You have been sold a bill of goods.
Are you that desperate?
Imagine this woman, who you are in competition with already, and her mother attending your wedding....
That you paid for....
I hope your share of the savings is not going to her medical bills. If this woman is not on Medicare yet then she probably can get Medicaid healthcare. Your salaries will not be considered. Neither you nor her son should be paying these bills. Hospitals have charity funding she may qualified for.
I also would not marry as long as she is around. Your life will be H*LL.
And yes, it is morally destructive to you to wish people dead. A bad place to start from. My concern in that is for you more than your boyfriend's Mom. Things like this eat us from the inside out.
If I had known how horrible my MIL was going to wind up being I would have NEVER married my DH.
He isn't a mama's boy, but he simply refused to see how awful she was to me for, oh, about 40 years. And he never said ANYTHING supportive of me to her. He NEVER 'cleaved unto his wife'..never.
You see your fiancé once a month for 8 hours? why is that? Is she taking all his spare time?
Engagement is a 'trial run' to see if you are compatible and to work on issues that are a natural part of ANY couple planning marriage.
I would cut and run from this guy. As fast as possible. His mom could live for 40 more years, easily. You want to be back here in 5, 10, 20 years complaining that your hubby is 'addicted' to his mom??? Sounds like he's making noise about putting you first but he isn't doing it, is he?
My sneaky MIL called on both my birthday and our anniversary one year, demanding that he come and fix something at her house. He spent the entire day, both days at her place. Got home so late there wasn't time to go out to celebrate anything. He didn't 'see it'. Never did. Blamed me for being selfish. She boasted with pride how she had ruined both days for me.
Our only and biggest arguments in our marriage were due to his mother being a pill. He defended her to the hilt and expected me to 'grow up already'.
While we have not had to financially help her, thank goodness, we have done plenty to support her over the years. He is 'on call' for her, 24/7. She's 90 and will live forever and ever.
50% of this problem is her, 50% is him. I cannot change the way he runs to her aid and she has him under her thumb. He complains, but does nothing to change the dynamic.
I 'divorced her' about 8 months ago. I have not seen her and will not willingly place myself in a situation where I have to even look at her face. Sounds harsh, I know, but this woman has caused me so much pain and anguish. I'm still recovering from cancer and she stated it was a 'shame' that I survived. I don't care who you are, you just don't ACT like that!
I WAS warned before marrying my DH that she didn't 'like me' but at age 20, I was sure I could bring her 'round.
It has been h*ll. Please, please, please look more closely at this guy and his mom and decide now if he's worth it.
My DH is a kind man, but will maintain forever that his mom comes first. I am not the woman his mom wanted him to marry and I heard that for 40+ years until I simply stopped talking to her.
I wish you luck. Although I do love my husband, it has been a chore to work through issues with his mother and we never will come to terms about her, to him, I am selfish and mean to an 'old, sick lady'. Who was NOT old and sick when I married him. She was 45!
Sorry to hijake your link @Blair1234...I felt that my add-on may give you insight of your future if you stay with this mentality of his. I didn't know before I married him as she lived in another state and we rarely heard from her until we married. Sometimes we let your heart overrun the truth that's placed before us. Signs that tell us that a relationship is not for us and we press on only to find in the end we lose. She will play the card until the end and others are right, you only hurt yourself wishing her death because she can live to be 97 like my grandma. Mines is in her 70's and always state that she is sick to get him in her company. Well 20 years of sickness only cause 20 years of me being angry causing my own snowfall death until I divorced her. But still watching him makes me sad. Prayers to you reading the statements before getting married.
And, even if she was profusely thankful for all of your generosity, that STILL leaves you broke! And resentful that you can't buy a new couch or go on a vacation because of your MILs $3,600 MRI for the fall she took because she refused to pull up the throw rug on her floor.
You've agreed to an unmanageable situation that SHE is not likely to sign off on. YOU and DH are the ones who need to figure out how to sign off of this agreement because it's tearing your marriage apart. Not to mention, it's ridiculous and unwarranted for 'children' to work for a living to pay their parent's bills. Just because she made NO plans for her old age should not mean that it's YOUR responsibility to pave her way with gold lined pavement.
The gravy train needs to stop. Now. Have a heart to heart talk with your DH and let him know that you need to band together and figure out how to get MIL onto Medicaid to finance her medical bills. Consult an Elder Care attorney if necessary to get some guidance on how to go about doing this; it's never straight forward when government benefits are involved. I found the EC attorney to be a HUGE help for me, and the consultation was free.
Wishing you the best of luck getting out of this predicament and on with YOUR lives!
I am a bit confused by your posts. You seem to interchange him and her quite often.
What are the medical issues with this woman.
Are you afraid if you confront your fiancé that he will choose her over you if you make waves? You are 25 years old. There is a VERY good chance this woman will live for YEARS. So wasting your time and energy hating this woman is not useful. You are going to have to step out and act. You already know this situation doesn't work for you. The question is whether your fiancé will be willing to do what needs to be done.
Your savings are not to pay her medical bills. I can see helping out in some situations for people...but it shouldn't be her retirement fund. There are services out there for people who don't have any money themselves. How on earth are either of you going to save for anything - a wedding, a home, babies if you want them, your own retirement...when you are paying HER way. She needs to apply for Medicaid if she qualifies and your money needs to remain in your pockets.
Her misapplication of her SS funds is not YOUR problem, nor is it his. SHE is still a competent person who is clearly a user and will never stop. So there is only one way to make her stop. Close your bank. She has funds. She has options.
And the hard truth is if your fiancé is not willing to put your relationship first, you may have to make some hard decisions. If he is scared to stand up to her but willing to work on it, that is one thing, but a solid plan has to be in place and progress made. Otherwise you really need to rethink your future with him.
I know you love him. I really do. But I can promise you if you continue forward in the way you are right now...you will absolutely grow to resent him. Not just her. HIM. Because right now it is you two against her, or you see it that way. But after years of that, you are likely going to feel like it is them against YOU. And that you are just there to facilitate her needs and provide money for her pockets.
You have some hard conversations ahead and I don't envy you. But you are going to have to have them. That is the first step. And see where that takes you.
Because here is my final thought...a person like you describe, someone so self focused, uncaring of what anyone else needs, focused on their own needs at the detriment of everyone around them...will suck the life out of you and they will not change. Why should they? Everyone is waiting on them hand and foot and facilitating all of their needs. She is not going to change. So you either change your approach, change the way you as a couple approach her or make those hard decisions.