We can't get married because of her! She is always sick and very selfish. She goes in and out of the hospital because she doesn't follow the doctor's orders. My partner and I are starting to save some money for our wedding, and now his mother is in a hospital again and will undergo surgery because she slipped and hit her head. That is because she thinks she is superwoman! She doesn't even say thank you to me or to her son! So now, our savings will go to her medical bills, because she didn't bother working and just depends on her children's salary. She didn't even raised her son well! My partner would go to school without lunch because his mom didn't prepare anything for him. So my partner would ask his friends to spare him some food. And now??? My partner is responsible for her when she wasn't a responsible mother at all!!! She is selfish!!! She is very demanding too! My partner and I can't even enjoy our lives because there's always something wrong with her. I just want her to be gone because I feel so bad for her son. Her son is experiencing depression now because of the stress she's bringing into the family. She doesn't even say thank you! She doesn't follow doctor's orders! She is stubborn and will go against the dont's!!! In short, she is wasting her son's money and efforts! I hope this time, she dies!!!
Oh, and she also said to me before "how did you even graduate from college?" She was so shocked that I have a degree. I put my chin up and said, "Because my parents worked so hard and because they took care of me, my mom prepared my food"... she couldn't even do that for her son! She also keeps on bragging about the achievements of her son as if she made some contribution to it when all she could give to his son is stress!!!
Tell him to call you when he is ready to put some into place. Until then, work hard, save your own money and look for a future partner who knows his own worth.
A few years ago she picked a fight with him, as she usually does, and they didnt speak for months. Mother's Day came around and since they weren't on speaking terms I did not reach out to her. I had my son bring flowers and a card. She spent Mother's Day with my cousin. I think their bond could be borderline personality disorder as neither respects boundaries. Anyhoot, about a week ago she told me that she told someone else who works for our country that we left her alone on that Mother's Day and he told her that's abuse. Abuse is what she did/does to my husband for 54 years.
Didnt mean to hijack your post. My heart goes out to you having to deal with that.
Stop that immediately.
If you have any joint accounts with him, get out of them. Keep your own money. You are being played for a fool.
She is a widow. Doesn't she get SS widow's benefits?
i will surely add this when I talk to him.
She was in her 50’ when he died and she was on a mad tear to date much younger men. Like in their early 40’s.
She has absolutely NO time for any of her grandchildren even though we all lived within 20 minutes of her.
When she couldn’t give her grandchildren the time of day, my husband and I couldn’t give her the time of day either.
when his dad was still alive, his mom used to nag him so much. Like the annoying old lady who doesn't know anything but to be irritated and is always shouting... i really hope it was just her who passed, not my future father in law who is very sweet and caring.
Anyway, accept that you aren't going to change your fiance -- his mother will always be his top priority. I'm assuming that you have mixed finances now? If so, then he is using YOUR money to pay for his mother. That means you are being used. How much money do YOU contribute towards his mother's bills?
Stop letting yourself be used. Walk away. This relationship is going nowhere. Look at the resentment you have now, and you only see your fiance once a month. Just think if your fiance had to hear your anger all the time if you lived with him.
It will be VERY DIFFICULT, and a lot of it will depend on you, but even more, on him.
TODAY is my 43rd wedding anniversary. I married the best man I’d ever met, 43 years ago today, after having been warned by everyone who knew us (including my own wonderful dad) that he’d NEVER marry me, because he’d never leave his mother.
My husband’s dad had died when my husband was 19, and my MIL expected and DEMANDED that my husband continue to go to one of the most expensive colleges in this country AND get a full time job to support her. She was a narcissist who did NOT want anyone intruding on her turf.
Early on, she said atrocious things about me, screamed, cried, threw things at us, and I attempted to engage her, placate her, and keep the peace.
IT NEVER WAS ENOUGH. What worked? WE BOTH DIVORCED HER. Even though she had tantrums, said terrible things, made a fool of herself? WE STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION TO HER. And that was something I’m not sure either of you are ready to do.
Right now, if your relationship is important enough for you both to do it, your partner MUST calmly tell her that he WILL NOT be responsible for her medical care, but he will help her apply for the benefits available to her. But he MUST state this calmly and quietly, then leave her AND STOP TALKING TO HER to give her time to process what he’s said. That means whatever she says to him, he DOES NOT LISTEN TO HER. and you don’t either.
From what you’ve said, I’m not sure that you OR your partner are ready to do this. But I will tell you, once you’ve BOTH DIVORCED HER in this way, you’ll be in a position to move forward. Keep in mind that my husband lived with my MIL for a year after we’d divorced her. She STILL had tantrums, but they never had the same power over us because she KNEW we’d “walk away” if she did.
You cannot win in verbal confrontation, but you CAN WIN by rearranging her control. Think about this.
You are the only one that can stop his mooching mom! I WOULD NOT marry this man that feels financially responsible for his mom. You are in for a rough marriage if you do not stop this now.
Mom needs to butt out and son needs to stand up to her. Maybe he can do that with your support. But you need to draw the line in the sand and say NO MORE! BOUNDARIES. What a nightmare.
You see him once a month? That is not enough to base a marrying relationship on.
but his mom... is showing a narcissistic behavior and she makes my husband feel guilty everytime he is with me. Like, "I WASN'T FEELING OKAY AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN HERE!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO VISIT HER WHILE I AM HERE ALONE AND NOT FEELING GOOD?" I only spend 8hrs a month with him and she spends almost the whole month with him yet she still wants his full attention.
You are trying to protect HIS money. If he doesn't see that his mother is using him, perhaps this is not a good relationship for you to pursue.
Perhaps YOU are being used by them both.
I think I'll give everything up if this will turn out bad. I am just so tired of chasing. We were supposed to get married already this year, but his mom did something to hurt herself intentionally when she heard that we are already starting to get ready for the wedding.
Wish you all the best
Get her on Medicaid. You are being used, both by your boyfriend and his mom.
Move on.
I don't understand why your savings are paying her bills. Did you agree to this or was the money in a joint account that your partner used without your consent?
I hope you aren't all living together.
She will be a BUTTINSKEE or however you spell it once she becomes your MIL.
I would rethink this relationship. If fiancé can’t stand up to his own mother, it’s time to move on.
The old saying is NOT true “marry a man, marry his family.” WRONG!! Not true. Not if they are a BUTTINSKEE!!
BUTTINSKY is the correct spelling. Someone who BUTTS IN. An intruder or a MEDDLER.
I wouldn’t wish anyone dead but I wouldn’t want them in my life either.
I hope you and your partner will find a viable solution soon.
It seems apparent that no matter what this woman has done in the past or present that your partner is committed to his mom. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Has he told you his feelings?
He obviously feels responsible for her. Does he have permission from his mom to speak to her doctor? Does he have medical power of attorney?
If he does, speak to the doctor about her prognosis. Then ask to speak to the hospital social worker for direction. Make it clear that you no longer wish to pay for her care.
How old is she? How old are you and your partner? How long have you been involved with him?