My husband (85) and I (80) are in good health but we live an hour and a half from our son and an hour from both of my husband's 1/2 sisters. We live in a small town close to a larger town with some health care limitations. Too few doctors, one hospital, and somewhat limited health care services.Our house is paid for and we have no debt. Also have the money to move but it would result in increased taxes. Husband thinks we can get all our needs taken care of here and not involve the family. I feel that, even with in-home health care, family still needs to be involved to, for no other reason, monitor the care being given.Not ready for living in an independent or assisted living facility.What have other people done in a similar situation?
Downsize your belongings also , don’t leave a mess for your family to clean up .
We’ve had to rescue relatives in their 80’s who thought they still had time to move back near family. It was not fun for us . At your age things can change quickly .
No one likes to think about what happens if tomorrow they got a diagnosis of dementia or memory impairment, but it would be wise to plan for the worst and hope for the best.
Is your son your PoA? If so, for both of you? This is a LOT of responsibility for 1 person who still has a lot of life to live.
Does he WANT to be responsible for managing your affairs, or providing actual hands-on help -- for 2 people? That's a lot, even for the most competent and healthy person.
Does your husband have any idea how expensive it is to hire people to do anything nowadays? Or difficult to even find competent or willing helpers? I live in a large metro suburb and have hired a very reputable caregiving agency for my 96-yr old Mom. $46 p/hr and some of the people they have sent me can barely help themselves, no less my Mom. Lawn mowing? Snow removal? House maintenance, repairs and cleaning? Transportation? You'll be broke in no time unless you have a LOT of money. Maybe you both need to go talk to a financial planner, as well as an elder law attorney.
Please talk to professionals to get a sense of the cost of aging. You may be better off moving into a continuum of care community near your son, starting out in IL and progressing to other levels of care as you need them.
And yes, you should live where you can have easy access to good and plentiful medical care.
If you need help you can hire caregivers.
If you need medical care that can not be provided where you live your doctors would refer you to doctors that can continue your care.
If you want family to be able to monitor you there are remote options.
Cameras.
A device like Alexa. With that you could say "Alexa call "Billy" and Alexa would make a call to your son "Billy". Unless you pay for a "newer" feature Alexa will not call 911 but "Billy" could make that call if you do not have your phone on you when you need to call 911.
Now that all that is said.
What do YOU want to do? If you WANT to move then make plans to go visit your son for a long weekend or a week and contact a realtor and check a few places out. You can do some of that on line so you know what is available.
I would suggest that any place you look at should be "Handicap Accessible" just to make it easier for you if you ever need that convenience.
Now the other questions is...What does your husband want to do. It sounds like he wants to stay and you want to move. This might have to be done with a pad of paper and a long list of "PRO's on one side and CON's" on the other.
Many of mom's medical needs were met by a visiting PCP. I only had to take her to specialists a few times a year.
It seems that the only convincing to be done is for your husband. You might try that you are planning to go to IL and your husband can make up his mind. I pulled this off with my husband and so did another neighbor that we were planning to move to a senior HOA and that we would be gone for a few weeks. (ask your children if you can move in for about a month and tell your plans) My husband decided that he could not cook or clean for himself and that workloads doubled. He is now pretty happy with our senior social life which is much bigger.
You may not be "ready for living in an independent or assisted living facility" but at your ages this all could change in a few hours, Act now and do this in an orderly fashion so you are not reacting to an emergency and find yourself in a less than desirable situation, when it all could be avoided proactively.
I believe we don't want to expect our kids to help us more when we're still capable of doing for ourselves, even if it's a little more difficult. We want to keep physically and mentally active, always learning new things, making sure we eat a healthy diet (not the standard American diet) so we keep our autonomy well into our aging.
Sources of newer information cite how much our lifestyle affects aging and mental cognition. Armed with newer information can keep us from the resignation we can hear so often from people that we have no control over what happens to us. Not true according to experts Dr. Dale Bredesen MD, Dr. Joel Fuhrman MD, Dr. Dean Ornish MD and others' protocols, books, websites, videos on YouTube etc. All the latest information can give us new insight on how to change our lifestyle and hope for a better future.
I think the point is to both be closer to family and medical care, as needed.
It doesn't mean to be dependent on family members, although with aging parents in their 80s, one would hope the family would step up and help out as they can. Even if just a visit and a smile. That means a lot now - and as one ages.
The nightmare of moving and downsizing and selling at your age is going to take quite a bit of energy, are you up to it? I know, better now than later for sure. I'm guessing that you may have to go through all this and need help from your son,big time help! You would be better off in a community, independent or assisted living where you don't have to worry about maintaining a home. You might not think you're ready but you're thinking about it, so...? As my mothers POA it was easier when we had both our names on her bank account and I would make out two checks, one for her AL and the other for medical premiums. AL takes care of meals,utilities/cable TV, has trips to shopping stores, wellness check ins and a nurse on call. We even found an apartment that had washer/dryer off the kitchen area! The bathroom was a step in shower, easy peasy! This is the life that everyone works so hard for,why not? Say "please hubby,do this for me?" This way if anything happens someone is there to look out for either of you.
I am all about preventative care and the quality of life.
My parents loved AL, had a beautiful apartment, 3 hot meals a day if they wanted them, and more activities then you can imagine. Social interaction is quite important as we age too. When dad died, the ladies rallied around mom and kept her from hiding out and isolating. Worth it's weight in gold.
Good luck to you.
I told my friend's daughter - SIX MONTHS in advance - that her dad needed an emergency alert button around his neck for when he went on his many daily / weekly walks in nature ... in case he fell or God knows what could have happened.
When does she actually start to do something? 7pm on the night she is off to another country at 10pm for two weeks. She couldn't get it done.
Thank you for your post. Gena / Touch Matters
You do what you need to do for your care moving forward.
My question would be to your husband. How are you both going to manage as you age ... become 90 and 85 ... 95 and 90 ... and more / other health / mobility issues?
In my view, you (being YOU) need to think of the future 'more' and take care of yourself / yourselves as you age and the unexpected come up.
In addition to your medical / care needs, what about being closer to the family ... TO BE CLOSER TO THE FAMILY?
For the enjoyment of it?
Doesn't this matter to your husband?
With national healthcare changing due to political decisions, you need to be in an area where you have the most options for your health / well-being ... and enjoy the time you have with your family. Too 'few doctors' is a major red flag to me ... why would anyone want to stay in an area with too few doctors? I think the answer is that your husband is in a comfortable RUT and as 99.9% of older people, doesn't want to change.
However, you have the wherewithal to know what is best for you (both) - stay strong in your position and take the steps to move. He is older than you. While there is no knowing, it may be you who has the brunt of the responsibility for both of you if you stay where you are WITHOUT family support.
And what do you do if the one hospital with already too few MDs can't manage your care needs? Are you going to be air transported to another hospital - at a huge expense and upset to both of you plus the family? Think ahead ... as you are. "Try' to get your husband to think ahead - and put you first, if he doesn't want to put himself and you both first.
Perhaps have a social worker or someone that works with geriatrics talk to both of you - to find out why your husband is taking this position. I think he's just tired and doesn't want to change. He isn't thinking of you from what I gather.
Gena / Touch Matters
We are alright until we aren't. It only takes a broken bone, a stroke, even a UTI to change our lives over night. I would first start downsizing. Get rid of everything you don't need anymore. (We have old VCR tapes my husband will not get rid of) After that, go around again and think "do we really need that". Do as much as you can to make your children's lives easier. Have beneficiaries for everything you can. Your bank accts can have "paid on death" (POD). This way no probate. Get your DPOA and Medical Proxy in order. If they were made years ago, update them.
My parents didn't think ahead. When they were both 80, we (their children) suggested they move out of the 2 story family home, downsize, and move closer to one of us in a different state.
It took ten years of suggesting this.
My mom always said "No" with a capital N.
We had jobs and kids and could not just pick up and move near them.
Then, at age 90, we discovered they were not "doing fine" like they had assured us they were.
Then my dad got covid, and he was in the hospital for a week.
When he was discharged, we no longer waited around for mom to change her mind. We felt it was important for our parents' safety to move them near family.
It took a lot of convincing. (A lot.) My mom was in the throes of dementia by this time, short term memory loss mainly, so she went along with the long distance move, for the most part.
So it was at that point that we did a lot of scrambling around--I sorted through my parents' entire house (not an easy task), contacted lawyers and signed all the important papers (not an easy task), arranged for an estate sale (not an easy task), prepared their house to put on the market (not an easy task), drive them 7 hours to their new home (not an easy task), get them settled with drs in their new town (not an easy task), prepare their new home to be more elderly friendly (not an easy task), hire in-home caregivers (not an easy task).....etc etc etc.
You can see where I'm going with this, and why I thanked you for thinking ahead.
If my parents had downsized, planned, prepared, thought of the future and moved near family when they were 80, they would have been able to go slowly with the process, and make more, if not most, of the decisions.
But at 90, with health complications already in place, we had to make (very difficult) decisions for them.
We all learned from the experience.
I would advocate for doing a lot of what you describe at 70 in and the legal paperwork all adults over say 40 should have in place IMO.
but i was able to move. i’m retired. life can be virtual, if you’re lucky.
because he literally built most of this house, dad is unwilling to move, which is gonna be seriously unhelpful at some point, but is ok now. but at least i'm here for the day in / day out stuff.
right now, this town has a lot of retirees, so their medical services for elderly are pretty good. but nearly any city would have better services & certainly more choices.
moving is hell. but it’s easier if there’s not another crisis on top of it. it’s easier if the moving doesn’t have to be done long-distance. it’s easier to move when you’re retired than when you’re managing a job and another household.
managing someone else’s healthcare is difficult. you are the most probable caretaker. take care to consider the burdens you might carry in a place that already has few resources, while not near those most likely to help.
moving towards help makes logistical sense.
You feel You are Not ready for independent or assisted living facility. Don't wait until some major health setback forces you to be ready. I would start making those plans now. A continuum of care community would offer you the independence you want now and will be prepared to support your evolving needs.
I'm glad the two of you are in good health now, but if one of you fell and broke a hip, you would be forced to make some life changes quickly!
There is no reason to move closer to family members unless you want the convenience of seeing them more often. Do Not expect your son to take over your care needs or to manage the decisions you are putting off making for yourself now. If son lives in a city with more available health services, that might be where you want to head, so he can more easily visit you if you become incapacitated. Have you tried to find in-home health services where you currently live? That may not be as readily available as you think. I live just 20 miles outside a major metropolis, and I have a hard time finding CNA's willing to come to my house for my disabled husband. They are few and far between.
You expect family needs to be involved if for no other reason than to monitor the care being given. Don't assume anyone in your family wants that responsibility. Get a POA form and designate a POA now. Make sure they know and accept the responsibility. Do not designate your spouse. Your spouse will automatically have that right until you both are incapable.
Finally, of course you can choose to stay in your home. Many people do- until an emergency forces them into a hospital stay, then subsequently a care home, or until they die, possibly hurt and alone because there is no one around to help.
That is a choice you can make, but do not expect the non-existent medical care services or family to be there when you need them. If you choose that, you are doing it all on your own.
As I said, every situation is different. Friend moved to Florida to be closer to family and when she had a health issue it did help she was near one of her children. First year there was great, she got to spend a lot of time with family. Then daughter in law got sick of her being around. Now she is lucky to get a few holidays with family and she is made to feel unwelcome.
In our own situation, BIL lives too far away to regularly check on and he is getting to the point where he should not be living on his own. There is no way he is going to want to move closer and even if he did, we have no idea he could afford it (odds are he can't). He doesn't see the issues we are seeing.