My mother has been hurting herself medically to manipulate me. The pattern isn't new but the more I ignore the more she escalates. She's always been manipulative to get what she wants. What she wants is my attention. For as long as I can remember, she's been miserable to be around. Nothing makes her happy, complains, plays victim, and speaks ill of others. From a young age she emotionally neglected me, parentified me, and manipulated me. She's always refused psychiatric help when recommended. It began with excessive favors, then manufactured crisis, then began neglecting herself hoping I'd come running to manage whatever issue. Because I always have for 40+ years. In recent years she risked paralysis by refusing to schedule a critical spinal surgery. She did not heed doctors warnings or mine and simply didn't schedule surgery, using weaponized incompetence. Fast forward, she's wheelchair bound in a nursing home due to that decision. More recently she landed in the icu after a period of pouting and laying inactive she caught pneumonia. I was at her side for two weeks straight while they fought hard to get her off a ventilator. Eventually she came off and went back to her nursing facility with a tracheostomy. First call I received from her after her return, no hello, just immediate demands. When I didn't commit, and started asking how she was, she sensed I wasn't interested in her demands and hung up on me. After that she proceeded to pull her trach tube out three separate times requiring hospital visits to replace it. 3rd time doctors decided it was more risky in her case to replace it than just leave it out as she was breathing fine. After that I tried googling how to handle this behavior. Everything I've read says to cut contact as that is rewarding her manipulation. Personally im exhausted and extremely anxious, and would welcome a break from her constant drama. But its a major decision so I thought I'd ask you guys. She has a POA, it's not me. That's another manipulation story where she thought it would hurt my feelings to make someone else her POA. I feel it was a blessing.
You have free will and can do what you wish. But what good would it do anyone to keep throwing yourself on the fires she keeps setting? I’ll leave you to think about that……
She pulls you in...lets out enough line to make you think she is letting you go then reels you back.
I have the feeling if you are no longer her "target" someone else will take your place, possibly the person that is her POA. I have the feeling that she "needs" someone that will be the target.
Leave this dynamic.
I also suggest that you talk to a Therapist if you haven't yet (I would be surprised if you haven't)
She thinks it would hurt your feelings to assign someone else as POA? She actually did you a favor. You need to back off. Tell the staff they need to contact the POA concerning anything to do with Mom, you are taking a break. The POA will contact you if you need to know anything.
Call the POA that you will be doing nothing for Mom. You need a much needed break. You will be blocking her. You have no idea how long this break will be. They can contact you only if its important. If you want, tell Mom you are taking a much needed break. That she will be blocked from calling you. She needs to contact her POA if she needs anything. Then hang up.
Take a vacation. Where I live, the beach is 2 hrs away. Sept is a perfect time to go, kids are back in school. Its still warm enough to sit on the beach, swim, just walk around.
Its sad people treat others like this because when they finally die, no one is going to miss them. But then, I think its a mental illness. Mom is safe and cared for.
P.S. She will do something thinking you will come back. Fall out of her wheelchair, something. Please ignore it. Let the POA handle her.
You are not the POA. So, there is no reason why the facility should be contacting you with her self-imposed nonsense. This sounds more like one of her histrionic tantrums than anything else. My sister was famous for pulling these stunts even before she even entered the facility where she is a resident.
Yes, you can give up in whatever way sounds good to you! As long as you are clear with yourself that you're not attempting to change or fix her, that you're doing this for you.