I am 72. 3 yrs ago, best friend of 30 yrs asked if I would be POA for all matters as she was starting to have memory issues. I said, of course. I am in a diff. state and fly to her every 8 wks, or sooner if needed. I handle everything. She is almost 86. Dx: Vascular dementia/poss. Alzheimer's. Poor vision L eye, back issues. Cannot walk far. I have a live-in CG with her the last 3 yrs. She has known this person for 20yrs. My friend is confused much of the time. Difficulty speaking at times. Ambulatory, bent over and shuffling gait, good balance, though a high fall risk. Sits in her office much of the day, falling asleep on and off. TV on all day, same channel, for "background noise." (I think the voices are comforting to her). Unable to cook, clean, organize pill box, CG gives pills, make her coffee, feeds her dogs, no longer able to use the washer/dryer, no longer does puzzles, not interested in any hobbies. Won't shower without prompting, able to toilet, can dress but often wears dirty clothes, pants on backwards. Sleeps in clothes. She's bored and says, just another day to get through. Haven't been able to find anything that she will/wants/can do. She "wants her old life back." Up 1-3 times/nite, for snack or turns on all lights, tv, gas stove in her office, or knocks on CG door to say where are we, where is my bedroom, who are those dogs on my bed? Once/wk I have a different CG who comes and takes her out of the house, to a park, or near water, to a bakery, etc. Neurologist recommended she think about Memory Care, friend said, no, I have dogs (4). I feel CG is burned out (understandable) tho she has not said so. I would love to see my friend around and interacting with other people, feel like she has purpose, dine with others, do activities. Participate in group sitting exercise. Or just sit and observe people. Want her to feel safe/comfortable. Wondering if I should get a new CG? Have 2 CG so the other has time off and my friend can stay in her home with dogs? OR Memory Care? The first 2 1/2 yrs were ok to good, but now that she is more confused, etc, I feel needs have changed. Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts, experiences with your loved ones would be greatly appreciated and thank you!!
There are all sorts of ways to solve this problem, so ask around when you visit facilities to gather information.
You may have to accept that how your friend is now, is how she's going to stay. Many times a senior who is miserable, bored, and resentful of being a senior will embrace the total negativity at everything and become part of it. Let me ask. Does she sit in her office watching cable news all day? That's a bad thing for miserable, bored seniors. It's bad for anyone.
If she's still willing to go out with the hired companion, she hasn't completely given up on life yet. The companion should start going with her to the local senior center for some activity and socialization. One of the top reasons why so many seniors refuse to join their local senior center is because they don't want to go alone. She may enjoy it and they understand many of the people coming in have dementia. When the dementia worsens, adult daycare is a good option too.
Another thing. She should not be eating her meals alone. She has a live-in caregiver who if she is not going to sit down and eat with her, can have a coffee or something and keep her company while she eats. I strongly recommend you have a real talk with this live-in caregiver because she sounds like she's a big part of the problem. Your friend may also benefit from a low dose of anti-depressant medication too. Definitely worth talking to her doctor about.
Yes, live in caregiver who is getting burned out. Trust me I am not in denial abt dementia, what it is and what it does. Its been 3 +years. I've seen the subtle and the drastic changes. When I go see her, I take her to the movies because she loves that, and in fleeting moments there is joy, esp. with popcorn; she often falls asleep and once we leave the theater, she doesn't remember we went. In MC she may choose to sit in her room rather than participate in activities. Who knows. My expectation is she will be safe, she will be closer to me and I can see her more often and ppl will interact with her. Dementia marches on no matter her location. I don't expect that she will suddenly perk up and be who she was before dementia.
Thanks for the response, I do appreciate it.
My cousin seemed to relax and be more content in Memory Care. She had been obsessed with her pet cat, but she completely forgot about the cat in a few weeks. Keeping her at home wasn’t feasible.
Good luck with everything.
If she is putting the stove on, the time for memory care is here, no doubt. This is backed up by the doctor who suggested it was time for memory care as well. As much as I worry about the dogs and understand they are important to her and she to them, if she leaves the stove on and burns the house down, the dogs will die along with her. Or if she fills the house with gas it could blow up the whole neighborhood.
Start looking for a solution for her dogs along with memory care for her. You are doing a wonderful thing and we should all have such good friends. It's time now to protect your friend and her dogs and her caregivers from her growing dementia.
My family and I would be close by and able to visit and make sure she is ok.
Thank you for your helpful input. Appreciate it.
Or has her apathy spread to them, in which case they may fade from her thoughts once she's been moved? Are the dogs getting adequate care, or being neglected because of your friend's inability and the caregiver having too much else to do?
Definitely this is too much for one caregiver with limited breaks. (Has she been paid appropriately, including with taxes/benefits?) She'll need assistance and as Geaton said, the costs for multiple household employees adds up.
It's very kind of you to do this for your friend, especially long distance.
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
If it were me I would transition her to MC. Then you need to make another decision if you continue to be her PoA: MC near you? Or where she currently lives? I would strongly suggest MC near you if you want to keep a close eye on her.
Or, you talk to social services for her county about getting a legal guardian for her so that you can resign.
"I would love to see my friend around and interacting with other people, feel like she has purpose, dine with others, do activities."
My friend, you are in denial about her dementia. It only gets worse. People with dementia and memory impairment are always bored because they can't remember they were just "entertained"; they can't think of things to entertain themselves and keep doing it for more than a minute. Please educate yourself about dementia so that you have appropriate expectations for her care.
I hope you are getting reimbursed for flying there every 8 weeks...