Is it normal for feeling like I am suicidal?

I think it's normal....as I have felt the same way. I hope you'll reach out to a friend just to talk and let your feelings out, - including here! We care! and/or get to doctor. I too have worked all my life, and have next to nothing left to show for it now, and alone taking care of my dad with no help. I also live in chronic pain. I have felt suicidal at times. I got medication to help with the stress, depression and hopelessness. It has definatley helped. Life is still very difficult being a caregiver. It's the most stressful, difficult job there is. I try hard to strive to look forward with hope, knowing it won't always be this way.

Hope I'm so sorry you're going through this. From your profile it is clear you've been a wonderful daughter to both of your parents. Sometimes us caregivers put our loved ones' needs way above our own needs. I know I've been guilty of that a lot in the last 12 years.

I go through ups and downs too. I have briefly thought of suicide in the past just as a way to get back at my brother for his lack of care or concern about our parents or the toll caregiving has taken on me. I figured it I was out of the picture, he'd have to take over and then he'd understand. But then I get back to being myself and understand that I'm not alone and that I DO matter and my needs DO matter. I hope you'll get to that point too.

Please call your local social services agencies (or United Way office) to find some free counseling. You deserve to be happy and healthy and to find your place in this world where you're valued beyond your role of caregiver. We're here to listen and share your feelings. You are NOT alone.

I don't even have words anymore...I have always been able to express myself...today I can't even do that...keep typing and erasing everything...it feels like I have already died on gone to hell.

I don't have friends who understand any of this...none of them would do it and have told me so....some of them think I am selfish and lazy for doing it or else I would work....God, do they not realize how much I wish I could go back to work...I hate people who drop in on us unnanounced and the last one who did it got an earful...I hate the advice they give, because they do not have a clue what they are talking about...I hate hearing about their trips, their joyous lives, I hate when they tell me how horrible I look,,how I need a new hairdo, haircolor, I need to get out and do something...that part is true, but how the heck do I do that when I can't get a sitter...I have been trapped in this house for going on two years now without ONE night away from here...Iif I had a gun I would blow my freaking head off

Please ask for help, it sounds like you really need someone to talk to. (http://suicidehotlines.com/). If you message me, I'll send you my e-mail. You aren't alone. I don't see how you are doing it alone. I had to get myself some respite care after a year. All of us here understand what you are going through. Reach out to us!!!

Hope22 I read on your profile you are close to your brother! PLEASE give him a call now and let him know how you're feeling!! We are here for you!! Try to get some respite care!!
Hugs....

Please call 1-800-273-8255. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline right away. Having lost my father and a close friend to suicide, this is absolutely not your answer. You can get your parent into a care facility through Medicare or Medicaid or other senior resources. Your local senior agency can guide you through the process. Your mother and brother would never want you to be this desperate. Please reach out and get help. It is available and there are definitely options for those who don't have financial ability. My husband's family was guided through great care for his mother with advanced dementia in her 60s when no one was available to care for her, she was well cared for until her passing in a wonderful care home. You deserve to get your life back and it is possible.

Yes, I agree with what the others have written. Plz get help now, today. Put your loved ones in the NH or Assisted living even if for a short time, like 6 weeks. So that you can get your life back. Please don't do anything rash. We need your on here.

these are difficult and uncertain times. we all are fearful and sometimes cant see any daylight. its hard to do but try to see how desperate the situation is in other parts of the world. in parts of africa people are burning electronic waste on the river banks to recover the miniscule amounts of scrap metals. after a hard days work they are able to afford food or shelter but not both. and yea, the black toxic smoke from the salvage burning is causing them health problems and no doubt a reduced life span. then some urethera ( d**k - hole ) tries to cheat them out of the actual value of the metals.

Hope22 I hope you took the advice that was given by all these caring people and contacted someone for help.. I'm praying you are feeling better today! Hugs....

Please let us know you are fine!!

I agree with AA, please let us know you are OK - we care!!

Dear Hope,

I think feeling suicidal is a huge symptom that you need to take care of ASAP. I don't think it's normal to want to blow your brains out and is indicative of how burned out, alone, and exhausted you are. You would rather be dead than go on being the only caregiver and that is something we all understand. Feeling suicidal is a HUGE RED FLAG that you need assistance, ANY kind of assistance and as soon as possible. I too would suggest that you call the suicide hotline, not only do they listen but they have resources available that may be suitable for you.

I'm so glad that you wrote to us but we can only do so much here in our little corner of the internet. Keep writing and letting us know what's going on and take steps to take care of yourself. PLEASE!

Hope22 I feel for you. There IS respite care available thru different agencies in different states. Get that respite care and ignore your fathers protests if he says he doesn't need it.

There is NO reason to sacrifice your well being so your Dad can have a minimal qualit of life. go on line and read about personal boundaries as I just did since I too am burned out. Boundaries can help a lot.

Hope22, please write and let us know how you are! I see over and over on this site and struggle with the question myself of how much does one owe a parent? what does love or being brought into this world require of one at the end? I cannot know your situation but even if your mother was the best most amazing self-sacrificing mother in all the world, it isn't right that you should throw away your life literally or future security just so she won't go to a nursing home. A good mother wouldn't want that to happen to her adult child, she just wouldn't. Your life has value too.

Hope, I'm sorry your life is so hard. Please don't kill yourself. It is common, but not really "normal," to feel suicidal.

You said in your profile that you feel like a failure. That is a sad side effect of living in this country in this century. Once upon a time, you might have believed that being "stuck" and becoming poor from caring for your parents was part of God's plan, and that you would get your reward in heaven. Nowadays, the culture tells us that if we can't buy an enormous flat screen TV, that we are failures.

You are doing a job that is "God's work," but society doesn't value it much at all. You are paying a financial price for doing the right thing. Please don't believe "them" when they tell you you're a failure. Please try not to feel shamed by your "lack of success." Poverty and a hard life are depressing enough without adding blame to it. (Read Elizabeth Warren's book, "The Two-Income Trap," to learn more about how easy it is for hard-working people to lose everything.)

Your situation is very hard, but there are practical things you can do to get some relief. Google "Area agency on aging" with your city, state and county, to get the number to call for advice.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself. What would happen to your parents if you did hurt yourself? Are their lives more important than your life? NO. You and your parents all deserve to have a decent life with good parts and bad parts, but bearable. If I had to choose between saving my life and saving my mother's life, I think it would be wrong to choose her. As much as I love her, she has had her life. Maybe now she would be too afraid and helpless, but when she was still herself, she would have saved me rather than herself. Your "real" parents would want you to be all right. That is the measure of success of a parent. Are my kids all right? If they aren't all right, do I still love them?

Until you can get relief, make up an alternate plan. You could pack your car, tell your brother he's in charge now, and drive to Florida for a month. I know you "can't" really do that, but it IS an alternative to suicide. You could pack your parents up and leave them at the emergency room and take a bus to another city and find a women's homeless shelter. Not a nice plan, but it is an alternative to suicide. You would get to start fresh, feel better, and come back home stronger. And your parents wouldn't have to suffer the loss of their daughter. Think up an exit strategy that you can believe in.

I remember planning that I would abandon my husband and daughter and run off to California. It was better for my daughter to have a mother that had abandoned her, but would come home someday, than a mother who had killed herself. Fortunately, I never got quite that desperate, but that's what I told myself when the suicidal thoughts go too loud. I wasn't allowed to kill myself, but I was allowed to run away - to escape.

Believe that there are actual ways to make your life better. Give us details and we will offer useful practical advice. This will not last forever, and it can start getting better today. Feel our love and support, and have a tiny bit of hope and faith.

You are in a very dark place the despair due to what you have sacrificed and caregiver burnout. You need immediate help for you and your parents. Call the Counsel on Aging to get help for your parents and a suicide prevention hotline for yourself. You can no longer go alone at what you are doing. There is a high rate of suidcide among caregivers. Please do not become one of those statistics. You are in a very deep depression which is causing you to feel as a failure, you are not. You have successfully taken care of your parents. Now is the time to take care of yourself.

Hope22, what a great name, hold on to he hope and please call the help lines. You have been through a lot, I jojn the others who will hold you in prayer

Hope,
The holidays can be particularly difficult for someone feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Please let us know you reached out for help.
My Christmas wish for you is respite and help.
God bless,
L

I understand how you feel and I felt the same way you do at times. Sometimes I felt like there was no escaping the pain. You feel the pain deep inside because you care. You are a kind caring person and your parents are lucky to have you. There is light ahead and some of the best days of your life are yet to come. You are not alone, we are right here to support you!

I wish we had more details... Hang in there. You could be me. I've been where you are, and have felt what you feel. I get it. But I'm still here, in spite of it all, and I refuse to give up and break. Things WILL get better, no doubt about it. Let us know that you're alright. You have US, and we'll always be here for you. *hugs*