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This friend is calling the facility and demanding that she speak with my aunt’s doctor. Saying my aunt has rights. Of course this stirs my aunt up more. She fixates on her bank statements and money. I feel so defeated. I’m doing my best and really just pay her bills. So now I’m the villain.

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Elderly or not, this woman is causing YOU problems. My Mom never had a phone in her AL. I was 5 min away so I stopped in for a little while each day. If there was an emergency, the staff called me. Maybe time to lose the phone unless you need it to communicate with Mom. I would not just block, but remove the friends name from Moms contacts.

You are now in charge. Mom can no longer make informed decisions. You have the right to ban this friend. She may think she is doing the right thing but she is causing you problems. You are important here too. Like said, Mom needs peace too. This friend is just agitating Mom and making your caring harder.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Why does your aunt still have her own cell phone? You can block her calls on the phone and change her saved number to a number that doesn’t work because your aunt could be calling the friend. You must end their communication. And don’t tell your aunt that you did this. Just play dumb about it and let her think the friend ghosted her. She’ll forget about her eventually and will benefit from not being stirred up by her.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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As this point in time, Aunt is in no mental condition to create or sign any legal documents. Wills, Trusts and assignments of a POA must be done BEFORE Aunt was diagnosed and placed in a facility. Apparently they were done already. Too late to try to change anything now.

I would get a lawyer to write up a quick (and inexpensive) Cease and Desist Letter to send to this so-called "friend" who is stirring the pot. I would let the facility know this person is upsetting your Aunt, and to prohibit them visiting or having contact.

There are strict HIPPA laws about an "outsider" getting any information from your Aunt's doctor. Yes, your Aunt has RIGHTS....to a peaceful environment and not to have some outsider causing her stress and anxiety.
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Reply to Dawn88
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If you are POA you can control the scenario here.
You can limit visitors.
You can limit phone calls.
If your Aunt has a cell phone you can block this person's number.
I you are not POA then you have no control over this.
And by POA I mean a legal POA not just a relative that is helping her pay bills helping. If your Aunt is not in Memory Care and is in Assisted Living that should change as well in AL there is very little control as to who a person leaves with and there is the possibility that this "friend" may decide to take Aunt to the bank.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Are you the POA for her? I would alert the admins of the facility and request the "friend" be banned because she is an agitator for you aunt. The friend has no authority to speak with the doctor unless she is health care proxy. Eliminate her from the equation is truly needed since your aunt is suffering due to the friend inserting her ill intended actions.

Also, no attorney would move forward with a change of POA or will with your aunt living in a memory care facility. Shame on this "friend" because she isn't helping an already sad situation.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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If your aunt has dementia she can no longer change her POA or write a new will as far as I know.

This woman sounds like a troublemaker and is no friend to your aunt if she is instigating trouble and making your aunt upset. I would not allow her to visit or call.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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PSCham Mar 26, 2026
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I visited a lawyer today who told me just what you said. You were free. LOL
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Have the friend banned from the facility where your aunt lives. Tell the facility that when she calls they may say "I cannot give you personal information" and hang up on her. What she is doing is abusive to your poor aunt whose brain is dying. Like poking an injured animal with a sharp stick.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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PSCham Mar 26, 2026
Thank you. I might add that this friend has been talking to me as a friend for the last 3 years as we both have tried to navigate this diagnosis. She is my aunts only number in her phone. Her only friend. And I hate to create tension.
Of course the friend may be responding to my aunt’s paranoia and worry.
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What kind of facility is your aunt in? Assisted living, memory care, or skilled nursing? In assisted living they probably can't prevent the woman from visiting but in memory care or skilled nursing, they can, if you have an active POA from your aunt.
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Reply to MG8522
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PSCham Mar 26, 2026
It is memory care and my POA is active. The facility has told her that they can not discuss her medical condition and that her POA (me) is taking good care of her.
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