My 80 y/o mum had a fall and broke her ribs, I'm so worried about her. She refused hospital to paramedics so I'm the sole carer for her in her home. I have two older brothers but I'm doing everything as they are working and the one has a bad heart and diabetes etc, he's not well really either. I'm feeling just a tad overwhelmed at the moment and guilty for feeling this way.
And where on earth is the guilt in all of this, nobody should feel guilty for not being super human!
My wife is 10 years into Alzheimer's and is (happily) still at home, even though she has not been out of bed now for 22 months. There are a lot of things to do. However, I have CAREGivers in from a local agency, Home Instead--it's based in the USA and you might find one near you. That helps a lot. Also, my daughter is now living with us, so that reduces the stress, too.
It might be helpful to try to be proactive. Think ahead as to what the next challenge might be--another fall? incontinence? refusal to cooperate from your mother? failure of your brothers to help in any way (could they contribute financially for a caregiver?), drawing up a will? Don't try to look too far ahead, but just think of what you might have to deal with in the next few months. That could reduce the stress, because you will not be so surprised when that next challenge arrives.
Prayers and hopes for new events, relationships and events that can reduce the stress.
I think in everyday life it is normal to feel overwhelmed at times.
Feeling guilty should not be part of it.
Are you honestly doing the best that you can? (of course the answer is yes) So there is noting to feel guilty about.
What you do need is help.
The first thing you hear when you join any support group is..."you need to take care of yourself first" If you don't you can't care for someone else.
Hire someone to come in even 2 days a week for 6 or 7 hours. Even 4 would make a HUGE difference. You would not believe what 4 hours of help can do not just physically but emotionally and mentally.
If mom is resistant..these 4 hours are for YOU not her.
And you might want to start "THE" conversation.
You now know that you can not take on the role of caregiver full time.
You know your brothers will be of little or no help.
Will mom need more help when she is healed from the rib fractures? Will mom be able to live on her own? Can she go to Assisted Living? Does she have any other diagnosis that would indicate she would be better in Memory Care or could she handle Independent Living facility if other than her current condition she is usually "hale and hardy"?
Tough conversation to have but you are in a position that you have had a crystal ball knowing what it might be like when she has healed.
For the now though....
Are you doing more than you should? Can mom, as she gets stronger resume some of the tasks that she has done in the past. If not then speed up the timing of "THE" conversation. Give a timeline as to how long you can do this. 6 months? If after 6 months she is still not able to care for herself then it might be time to look for Assisted Living.
Use this time to also make sure all paperwork is in order. POA? Will? Advance Directives? or POLST? Have you/ has she consulted with an Eldercare Attorney?
Overwhelmed is fine, there is a lot to consider but remove the guilt from your mind.
I hope this helps in some way. Good luck
Your brothers are part of the team as is the 17yr old. Have team meetings. You may give them a free pass on personal care but they can sit with her just like they may be sitting at home.
Give them specific hours. Saturday afternoon at 2 as an example. Potty mom before you leave.
I agree with CWillie that a 17 yr old should be able to help but don’t make mom her responsibility. Get her input. Perhaps she would rather clean your home.
The first thing that popped out to me was that your mom didn’t have the right to make an independent decision on going to the hospital. Not when she expects others to pick up the slack. I can appreciate her being worried about Covid and maybe you were too. Broken ribs are very painful so I’m not unsympathetic but you are on a slippery slope that probably won’t end when the ribs heal. Since she is only 80 she stands a good chance of recovering if she doesn’t become too dependent.
I would call her doctor and ask if she/he could ask HH to come evaluate mom for services. They can get therapy out and do an assessment on whether therapy would be helpful. At the least the therapist can drill down on what caused the fall and suggest home modifications for safety. They can also set up her meds, check her vitals and provide an aide to help with bathing. She may or may not qualify but you will have an extra layer of help if she does. Mom can most likely visit her doctor on a telemedicine appointment and you won’t even have to take her in. Check into it.
I want to suggest to you that your life has changed more than your mom’s life with her fall.
Dont leave your brothers out. This is an emotional job, not just a physical one. You need their support. It can bring you closer. The minute you start taking action to share the responsibility you will feel less stressed. I suspect you are labeling stress as guilt. It’s very hard what you are doing.
Giving up your own life. Thankfully mom doesn’t have a bad disease, again not discounting the pain of broken ribs. This experience does give you a preview of what’s to come so you have a good opportunity to set some standards going forward. Check in and let us know how you are doing. We’ve all been there in one form or another. We care.
We're all doing the best we can and are in roles and being loaded with responsibilities we never imagined. Hopefully the ribs will heal and your mum will be independent to some extent again...this in the meantime gives you a chance to explore what services might be available to her/you. Meal delivery? Laundry or cleaning service? Shopping...
BTW, even the working brother who has better health could still come sit and be there with her while you got some time off...
Stop minimizing your feelings as a “tad overwhelmed”. It’s up to you to take control. She’s 80 with broken ribs! Don’t feel guilty. Do the right thing by your mom but don’t follow her down a worm-hole. Get help: Visiting Physicians Association, CNA, PCW, social services,
Respite, the church & community. You’re there to make the hard decisions where it is best for You then mom.
Guilty YES
Stressful YES
Yet just because it is normal doesn't necessarily mean you have to do it, if she has the means to be in ALF.
For your mom's current injury - has she been xrayed to look at the actual damage or are you assuming broken ribs. If no dr appt yet - go. It's possible she really needs to be in a hospital with a move to rehab afterwards. Especially if she is having problems doing the things she did before the fall. Next time something like that happens, don't let her make decision with paramedics. Tell them it isn't the first fall and you want her checked out by a dr at the ER.