Hello again,
I apologise for writing this, and I'll keep this short and sweet, but I just wanted to know if, as a family caregiver, it's... if it's normal to feel completely alone? Like I said in my previous question, I'm back in my hometown, I work at the FD, I'm trying to go back to school and I care for my mother. I'm her sole caregiver, and... I feel absolutely alone. I'm 35, and I feel like my life has completely stopped. I have next to no friends here, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone except my therapist about what's going on, because no one else wants to hear it. I'm just wondering if that's normal? To feel like nobody understands and nobody wants to hear it and that I'm stuck in this situation for the rest of my life because I can't see any way out of it? I'm sorry, I just feel completely lost and alone in this, and I was just wondering if other family caregivers have ever felt the same.
I had this feeling more than I would like to admit to. We can be surrounded by people and still feel the loneliest in the room. I contribute this feeling to emotional inertia, and not exercising my rights as being entitled to life on my own terms. The human mind has a way of protecting itself when caregiving becomes so overwhelming that it cancels out all legitimate feelings and leaving us feeling stuck and helpless. The key is learning to find ourselves again. There is life after caregiving.
Why don't you postpone the idea of the master's in acting, and apply for a spouse visa instead? Can't your fiance come over here so that you can be legally married in a simple courthouse ceremony, and then you can move back? Even if you can't go immediately with him because of the paperwork processing, at least you'll know that the end is in sight.
From your other question: "I'm trying *so hard* to make sure my mum is happy and has everything she needs, but she's not happy. She repeatedly tells me that she'd be happier dead, and that I can leave whenever I want to." Believe her. Take her at her word. What you're doing to try to make her happy isn't working, so stop wasting your time on her. (To clarify, it's not because of you, it's because she's an abusive parent who can't be made happy.) She's given you full permission, so take it. There are social services here that your mother can apply for. Let her.
In the meantime, ignore your selfish mother's demand and expectations, and do things you enjoy, just like other single women your age do. Find a community theater and audition for a role. Or volunteer for the stage crew, costumes, understudy, whatever. Join a sports league or a book club or a community improvement group. Things that get you out of the house, away from the negativity and abuse, and in regular contact with adults other than your mother, so that you aren't so lonely.
My heart aches for you. I want for you to have a vibrant life that makes you happy. You can get there.
Sometimes parents who regard us as their only lifeline can manipulate us into being that. Is your mom that way? If so, I hope your therapist can lead you through a plan to understand that even though mom regards you as the only one who can be her caregiver, there are other options. Before you say, "No, there aren't!" realize that you can step away from the web she's woven to entrap you. And that you are perfectly justified to live your own life. And that mom would have to change her thinking if you'd refuse to cater to her neediness.
You have lots to think about, and good luck in getting back to your own life.
So why isn't she safe for you to go out and do things that you enjoy when you're not at work, as that is very important for you to feel not so alone, and a great opportunity to meet some new people?
And you're right, most people don't want to hear about your caregiving woes or the fact that you feel all alone, because unless you've been there done that, it's hard for others to understand where you're coming from. So leave your complaining for your therapist and this forum.
The important thing here is for you to find your footing in this situation that you've opted to be in, and to learn to be at peace with it if you continue to do this long term.
You are awful young to be stuck in this situation and your mother must be awful young to need to need a lot of care as well, which means that this could on for another 30+ years or so. What exactly is wrong with your mother that you feel the need to be her caregiver when you get off of work? And if she's needing a lot of care, who looks after her when you are at work?
Obviously you're not going to give her the next 30+ years of your life so what is your long term plan for your life and your mothers long term plan for her care, as surely she doesn't expect you to give up your life for her right?
So focus on getting your mothers care ducks in a row, so that you can get back to your life sooner than later.
You didn’t say what level of care mom needs, but you’re young and probably have a long road ahead. I would recommend putting boundaries in place now, and let mom know you can’t be/do everything for her.
The longer you are the “go to” girl meeting moms needs the more she will expect from you as her needs increase. Now is the time to get mom thinking about grocery delivery, ways to get rides if needed, and the possibility of hired help in the future.
I went from mom’s grocery shopper and ride to becoming a full time caregiver over the course of a few short years. Did you say you work for the fire department? That’s a demanding job. I know it’s hard but please set limits now.
You have every right to have a life, a partner if that’s what you want, and personal space. And you’re absolutely right, people who haven’t been caregivers have no clue what you’re going through. People here do, though. I wish you the best 💕