Follow
Share

Hello again,
I apologise for writing this, and I'll keep this short and sweet, but I just wanted to know if, as a family caregiver, it's... if it's normal to feel completely alone? Like I said in my previous question, I'm back in my hometown, I work at the FD, I'm trying to go back to school and I care for my mother. I'm her sole caregiver, and... I feel absolutely alone. I'm 35, and I feel like my life has completely stopped. I have next to no friends here, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone except my therapist about what's going on, because no one else wants to hear it. I'm just wondering if that's normal? To feel like nobody understands and nobody wants to hear it and that I'm stuck in this situation for the rest of my life because I can't see any way out of it? I'm sorry, I just feel completely lost and alone in this, and I was just wondering if other family caregivers have ever felt the same.

Read The Unexpected Journey by Emma Hemming Willis - she just came out with a book a couple days ago . The Biggest Part of caregiving is the isolation . It Has been a few years for me and I am Just beginning to talk to people and socialize . The Isolation in Caregiving is Like a Prison you feel trapped . You want to be traveling and Meeting people , Having a LoveLife and a career But your stuck dealing with an adult with unpredictable Behavior that is almost worse then schizophrenia . My Doctor did Not help me when I kept telling him about My Dads Mania and OCD Behavior . I Told a couple Psychiatrists , no one seemed to care . I told Family members . My Mother would say for several years " I swear your Father has Alzheimers . " She also Passed from dementia . I had No Knowledge of this Illness . I Had studied schizophrenia . Here are a couple suggestions : Find a community acupuncture clinic that does sliding scale to relieve stress , Gardening , Join a community center for exercise . There are Good talks at Upaya Zen center . Joan Halifax has done a lot with death and dying and worked with caregivers . The Alzheimers association in Brewster , MA. Has good courses that are free to anyone . See if you can do the Savvy caregiver course they will send you a Book . Try and find a support group that Meets in person even if it is a mediation group . I talk to people at the beach and people with Dogs . Caregiving robs you of your Identity and your Life force . Try and socialize even if it's going to a restaurant for a cheeseburger and a beer .
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to KNance72
Report

I remember arriving at the university ahead of time before my class started and sitting alone. It was the loneliest feeling ever. I was attending school and had a ton of responsibility at home including caring for a disabled sister. This is a state of mind and there is no truth to it. My biggest abuser was my father who saw that I would follow suit in my mother's footsteps after she died. The entire family had turned on me during this time. This was the time that I started detaching from their control and certain family members didn't like it. Eventually, I got out of this funk and moved out after having my sister placed. Life began to open up again after leaving the situation.

I had this feeling more than I would like to admit to. We can be surrounded by people and still feel the loneliest in the room. I contribute this feeling to emotional inertia, and not exercising my rights as being entitled to life on my own terms. The human mind has a way of protecting itself when caregiving becomes so overwhelming that it cancels out all legitimate feelings and leaving us feeling stuck and helpless. The key is learning to find ourselves again. There is life after caregiving.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

BelfastGirl, I read your other thread. You feel alone because in your circumstance, you basically are. You've gotten trapped with an abusive mother and separated from your fiance and the life you lived and loved. So, you need to change things or you will fall deeper into this lonely hole.

Why don't you postpone the idea of the master's in acting, and apply for a spouse visa instead? Can't your fiance come over here so that you can be legally married in a simple courthouse ceremony, and then you can move back? Even if you can't go immediately with him because of the paperwork processing, at least you'll know that the end is in sight.

From your other question: "I'm trying *so hard* to make sure my mum is happy and has everything she needs, but she's not happy. She repeatedly tells me that she'd be happier dead, and that I can leave whenever I want to." Believe her. Take her at her word. What you're doing to try to make her happy isn't working, so stop wasting your time on her. (To clarify, it's not because of you, it's because she's an abusive parent who can't be made happy.) She's given you full permission, so take it. There are social services here that your mother can apply for. Let her.

In the meantime, ignore your selfish mother's demand and expectations, and do things you enjoy, just like other single women your age do. Find a community theater and audition for a role. Or volunteer for the stage crew, costumes, understudy, whatever. Join a sports league or a book club or a community improvement group. Things that get you out of the house, away from the negativity and abuse, and in regular contact with adults other than your mother, so that you aren't so lonely.

My heart aches for you. I want for you to have a vibrant life that makes you happy. You can get there.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MG8522
Report

Im sorry you feel alone. I do as well and I believe it is normal. It is a specific type of loneliness, at least for me, where even if people are around I feel like I don't fit in and people don't understand what I am going through. It is scary to feel alone. It is rare for anyone to ask how I am doing which makes me feel invisible. Most people ask about my grandma. Not sure if anyone else can relate to this but medical personnel are sometimes dismissive as well towards me even though I know everything about my grandma, her care and everything related to her. To me that is hard to cope with and causes feelings of loneliness also.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to survivalmode
Report

Correct on few people wanting to hear about caregiving. Anything that’s hard or negative gets a limited hearing for a limited time. It’s as if people are unconsciously afraid what’s going on is contagious and might affect them. But you’re only as stuck as you choose to be. There are ways to make it better and different. I wish you courage and strength to do just that
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Yes, it's normal. Replies to your previous post suggested many ways to get out of your situation, so study them and make up your mind to move forward. You can do that!

Sometimes parents who regard us as their only lifeline can manipulate us into being that. Is your mom that way? If so, I hope your therapist can lead you through a plan to understand that even though mom regards you as the only one who can be her caregiver, there are other options. Before you say, "No, there aren't!" realize that you can step away from the web she's woven to entrap you. And that you are perfectly justified to live your own life. And that mom would have to change her thinking if you'd refuse to cater to her neediness.

You have lots to think about, and good luck in getting back to your own life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

If you are working at the fire dept. then it's obvious that your mother is safe to leave by herself while you are work right?
So why isn't she safe for you to go out and do things that you enjoy when you're not at work, as that is very important for you to feel not so alone, and a great opportunity to meet some new people?
And you're right, most people don't want to hear about your caregiving woes or the fact that you feel all alone, because unless you've been there done that, it's hard for others to understand where you're coming from. So leave your complaining for your therapist and this forum.
The important thing here is for you to find your footing in this situation that you've opted to be in, and to learn to be at peace with it if you continue to do this long term.
You are awful young to be stuck in this situation and your mother must be awful young to need to need a lot of care as well, which means that this could on for another 30+ years or so. What exactly is wrong with your mother that you feel the need to be her caregiver when you get off of work? And if she's needing a lot of care, who looks after her when you are at work?
Obviously you're not going to give her the next 30+ years of your life so what is your long term plan for your life and your mothers long term plan for her care, as surely she doesn't expect you to give up your life for her right?
So focus on getting your mothers care ducks in a row, so that you can get back to your life sooner than later.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Yes, I think a lot of people here can identify with that feeling.

You didn’t say what level of care mom needs, but you’re young and probably have a long road ahead. I would recommend putting boundaries in place now, and let mom know you can’t be/do everything for her.

The longer you are the “go to” girl meeting moms needs the more she will expect from you as her needs increase. Now is the time to get mom thinking about grocery delivery, ways to get rides if needed, and the possibility of hired help in the future.

I went from mom’s grocery shopper and ride to becoming a full time caregiver over the course of a few short years. Did you say you work for the fire department? That’s a demanding job. I know it’s hard but please set limits now.

You have every right to have a life, a partner if that’s what you want, and personal space. And you’re absolutely right, people who haven’t been caregivers have no clue what you’re going through. People here do, though. I wish you the best 💕
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to LilyLavalle
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter