Is it okay for my mom's caregiver to complain about how I run my own household or how I clean?

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I will say, even though I realize it might not be popular…

I expect the caregiver not to leave me a mess. I’m paying them to leave my home the way I left it. That seems like light housekeeping and respectful to me. And cleaning up “accidents” is what I pay for; not to leave it for me after I’ve worked all day, have serious health issues due to caring for my my husband all these years. That’s why I pay for home care.

Choose your battles. Right.
Good caregivers are a needle in a haystack to find. Agencies can't get workers. Despite their contracts promising all sorts of nice assistance, we are supposed to be satisfied paying top dollar for "No one died" every day. Or "at least they showed up."
Could they not have called and asked for clarification as to what food to feed? No. They dont even ask when you ate in the same house woth them. I was at the house today, outside doing yardwork, for one cg shift. The caregiver goes to leave for the day, tells me there are two Tylenol under my mom's bed, they don't know why. Okay.... she probably dropped them. Did the cargiver at least pick them up? No. I had to do that. When they came on shift w me in the house, did they check w me before giving her Tylenol? No. All but over dosed her because gave too soon for next dose. I'm in the freaking house at that point. You couldn't check with me?
They can't put the used bathtowels etc in the hamper. Leave them hanging on the drying rack... for DAYS.
You can leave a can of soup, in the bowl you want used, w spoon and specific instructions on how to heat for lunch and they will feed something completely different. And you're not allowed to complain because YOU are the problem. You loved one is lovely and everyone loves them. Yeah. B/c they aren't aware enough of what's going on to be outraged as they would be in their right mind.
And no, this is not my first agency. They are all the same where we live... assuming they even have staff.
Private care is no better and less reliable in my experience, although cheaper, but not insured and you likely can't get a tax deduction for the expense b/c private always want paid in cash under the table. And you need private as backups for the agency calloffs.

So yes, I agree they should NOT complain about your house. Or maybe they could HELP with it.

But in today's world, many of us have to put up with a ton of unacceptable to get care for our loved ones while we work. None of my friends or family can imagine how I can put up with it these last two years. I have learned to mostly ignore their notes. I mostly don't watch camera footage.... except I noticed while at work this last Monday that not many camera alerts were coming through. Turned out Mom was in bed w her tablet and caregiver was on her phone (talking) on the front porch for an HOUR. They lied and said they took my mom on the porch for sitting. Three cameras would have showed my mom going out onto the porch. None of them did.

But if I complain, I don't have a caregiver and I can't go to work.
Yes, there are things that I would draw the line at.
But the more I watch and see how awful these people are, the more stressful for me. And it will not be corrected. The agencies aren't going to correct their people because the people will quit and they won't have staff to send to your house. And that is today's reality, esp when there is no direct supervision.

It's not fair, it's not right. But for your own mental well being, and ability to continue being a caregiver, please try to let it go. Our loved ones are still better off being at home with us, when they have us, than they would be in a N home where there is not enough staff to spend real time w them, no matter how caring the staff are. Not enough staff to 'encourage' eating a few bites over the several hours it takes to complete a meal, or to do some exercises to stay strong enough to walk to bathroom toilet, or drink enough sips of liquid to not get dehydrated and have to go to hosp and lose ground on the mental acuity. The end will come much much faster in a N Home. So I continue to do what I must to be able to endure the home care nightmare. So my 94 yo mom can stay in her home as requested. I realize many would not go to the lengths I have done to do so. And I might not forever .... I can't see doing it another 6 years..... but for now, I can endure some more.
Best of luck to you.

If this is the first time such a thing has happened, I wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill.
In future, if you are unable to have everything ready, at least write a note telling the carer where to find whatever is needed.

I know that the client's dietary requirements would be on their care plan, but it could be momentarily forgotten if a carer has never needed to refer to it as they are accustomed to preparing the meal that has always been left out for them.

My stepdad used to do this with everything that the carers did for Mum - her clothes, wash things, drinks, shakes, snacks etc. - everything was laid out ready for them. Then, when he was ill the carers didn't know where to find things.

The carer moaning might have just been something said in passing, or worse because they'd had a bad day. But, the bottom line is that your mum was safe, even if she ate something that wasn't part of her diet. As long as she doesn't have a major food allergy or serious illness (pre-diabetic isn't great, but it's not life threatening), then one unhealthy meal won't harm her.

I think that it would only cause you unnecessary stress to get upset about a fairly minor incident. But, you have to do what you think is best.

I don't think I would trust her to care for my mother.

Perhaps a cleaning service and a new caregiver are in order.

SkyGazer: As you have posted on the forum, you obviously don't think that it's okay.

First, is your mom reliable? My mother with dementia isn't and will lie lie lie. But if you trust that what your mom is saying is true, I'd ask the caregiver about the comments. Unless I was really satisfied with the answer, I'd tell her she wasn't coming back. But again, it depends how reliable your mom is. Personally, I have zero tolerance for a caregiver or anyone I'm paying to work to give me nonsense. Our lives are stressful enough caring for a loved one who needs care. I have no problem calling the agency and telling them "this one isn't coming back because of ____."

If this was a one off because of your personal recovery I would have a civil conversation with the caregiver about complaining to your mom. A one time lapse in dietary restrictions is not dire. A conversation/problem solving session with caregiver could open the door to better care. Ask for their opinions, and listen.

I would take this with a grain of salt especially if your mother has dementia.

Next time if you are out of the house for any reason, just leave a note or a text message for the aide where to find food and other essentials she would need.

IIf this isn't a workable solution, switch aides, but ask the agency if you can interview first.

Aides should not be gossiping about a family member to the patient.

If this care giver gave her the wrong food, then that was a very bad decision.
What is going to happen if the caregiver can't think on her feet in an emergency??
When would she call the ambulance or Doctor? Is she responsible for administration meds?
I have a dear friend who has been a care giver for years. In a case like this she would tidy up the kitchen counter and look for the food that she has been giving your mother during pasts visits... Not hand her whatever.

I hope you can find a better trained and caring care giver.
I wish you and your mother the best

I will spend 2 hours cleaning my mom's bathroom and bedroom at MC because she hoards food and drinks and dirty underwear and depends and gets poop everywhere and then she comes to my house and tells me that it is a little too messy for her taste. I spent a year getting her house ready to sell after she went to MC due to her ability to make a mess every single day with anything she can get her hands on but she sees one straw wrapper in my car, she will call me out on it! Just an FYI. You never really know

Is it okay? You obviously don't think so.

I can totally see how a comment, that wasn't meant to be critical, was taken by your mom as being so. Not saying it wasn't but you can not know.

I want to caution you to NOT take your moms word as your battle cry. You just CAN NOT fully trust that what is being said has the same tone, is in context or is what was actually said. Dementia distorts reality, we have to tread lightly and carefully before reacting to what they perceived happened.

Trust but verify should be how all Dementia interactions are dealt with, those that matter anyway.

First red flag is that she gave your mom "whatever", that is unacceptable, the strict diet your mom is on is the key, as a good caregiver would not do that. The fact that this caregiver is complaining or gossiping with the person she cares for is very Unprofessional and to me, sounds like an excuse not to do a good job. I think that a caregiver that establishes a relationship with the one that they care for based on gossip and alienating the family is a very bad choice. I wouldn't allow that to continue. I would interview other people and find someone who has more integrity and respect to be honest. Just to be transparent, I am a caregiver, and no one has a perfect house especially when they are in the position that you are in when you are trying to take care of two households, your own and your moms. I wish you the best in navigating this challenging situation. You'll make the right decision.

Does your Mom like the caregiver otherwise? In fairness, your illness and inability to help out by setting things up made her job more difficult and it's human nature to complain. Everybody has a bad day once in a while. At the same time, your mother seems to be losing her filter a little bit, which is very common, even in elders who are competent. Most people would not mention the unkind comments so as to not hurt your feelings.

You employ this caregiver for your mother's benefit, not for someone to validate your feelings. I'd go by my assessment of whether she's a good fit in general for Mom and treats her well, and if so, overlook this incident.

I think she was out of line complaining to your Mom. Should have made her complaintsd to YOU in a respectful way. Let it go for now, but let her know you're not happy!

As a home health aid for 30 years plus I'm going to say this... I have been exposed to black mold and people with c-diff, and Covid, lice, bed bugs and each time I was not told about this and neither was my home health agency. Yes, to a certain degree we are expecting a certain level of safety and cleanliness.

One wife let me know within 5 minutes after my arrival that I was to do everything her husband was doing and is not now able to do. This meant mowing their lawn and pulling the weeds in over 100° weather! They had well over 1 acre. She would not allow me to do anything for husband who was my patient and his VA benefits were paying for me to be there. They had bought this house their dream home 2 years before and within one year he was totally disabled. She obviously could not keep up with this place and so I was expected to take the place of her husband taking care of this place and that meant oiling all the woodwork, get the ladder out of the garage bring it into the house take down all 46 light bulbs from huge chandeliers over the dining room table, wash them along with the Globes and then replace every one. Take down all the stuff in the living room and in the kitchen that's up on top of cabinets, go wash them in the kitchen rinse them, dry them and put them all back up. I was going up and down a ladder and yes I did this as stupid as it was because I need the money and try to find an honest client is pretty hard to do as well as you guys trying to find an honest caregiver. I just got another new patient and they want me to come work for them on the sly under the table and I told them no. They did not fire me. Probably because they were afraid I would let my agency know what they were up to. I explained to her that the reason they know about me is because of my agency otherwise I wouldn't be here. And so-called Christians are the worst. I just told a veteran the other day that I'm not going to lie in my notes and tell my agency I gave him a shower when I did not. He ordered me to lie in my notes! He actually ordered me to do that and we get treated like we are scum of the earth sometimes . When I tell him I do not lie it made him very angry so he starts yelling at me. I let him know that's abuse and that only made him angrier!!! I reported him to the agency and I don't know if we have him anymore. I'm thankful my agency doesn't put up with this junk.

I’d say talk to care manager and get her changed
unhelpful
you need to know you have people who can rise to care not be spoon fed 100%
that said - if you mother is in a special diet it’s prudent to try and heave things in one area
Shame the care help wasn’t as considerate of your health
I’d speak to the manager
I did with my dads- I told the manager I want people who I can trust to look after my dad if I’m not there - and if I’m here and see suits wrong attitude I tell her don’t send them back

Install cameras so you see what’s going on when you go out on errands. Hugs 🤗

I've had a couple where the caregiver had a bad knee along with the partner being bedridden. They were really nice. I did a little more for them because they both were in need. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but I knew how this guy was struggling to take care of himself along with his partner.

No, it’s not ok. Mom is to be given a set menu of ingredients set aside by you and as long as caregiver sees where it is, it’s her job to feed her that.

Does your mother have dementia? If so then take anything she says with a grain of salt and don't necessarily assume the caregiver is the one being rude or saying anything. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now have a homecare agency. So I know how easily a care client might make a big deal out of absolutely nothing. Like the client imagined something then convinces themselves it happened. Their caregiver took a "snotty" tone of voice with them. The caregiver had a "dirty" look on their face. This nonsense will be amplified a hundred fold when you're dealing with a bored senior.

Maybe your mother wanted a certain food and the caregiver didn't see it in any of the containers, then your mother got cranky about not getting the food she wanted. This is not only a possibility but also a probability. I did this work for a long time and the caregiver usually gets blamed when the client gets a bee in their bonnet over nothing.

Talk to the caregiver without your mother present and ask her what happened. Then let her explain.

You know as Moms caregiver she is suppose to clean up any messes she makes or Mom makes. She also should be cleaning Moms areas. Strip her bed, remake bed, do her laundry. Clean her bathroom. Her list of duties should say light housekeeping.

I get the impression you don't live with Mom? Did you inform the aide that you were sick? I may say that Mom mentioned the aide did not know where everything was and take her on a tour of the kitchen.

In the greater scheme of things, if the caregiver does a good job and mom and caregiver get along, I would just let it go.

Lots of things could have been happening...perhaps the caregiver was just not having a great day and was cranky; perhaps the caregiver just commented on the state of the kitchen in surprise ("wow, this kitchen is usually really clean, this is out of the norm") and mom got a little defensive; it could be any number of rather innocuous things.

If the caregiver keeps harping on it, then I say yes, talk to her. Otherwise, let it go. It's not worth a fight over something so relatively harmless.

Your mom's caregiver is a mandated reporter. If she sees things of concern to her she not only CAN report them, but she is mandated to do so. We can have no idea the level of problems she witnessed it or what she said or did about it. But just letting you know the status of things. I would discuss all this with HER, not us. Sorry you were feeling unwell and are better. Best of luck. A home usually doesn't deteriorate in a two day problem of illness to any worrisome degree--perhaps this is the warning to keep things up, and keep emergency supplies. You can never tell when you'll eat a bad oyster.

All I will say is choose your battles wisely as good in-home caregivers are hard to come by.