Is it possible for an angry, abusive elder to endanger your life? Could they seriously injure you or even prove fatal?

A friend of mind now has permanent back issues because her husband "pushed" her to a wall on several occasions.
He kids finally believed her that he was getting violent when one of them witnessed a "push"
This same woman was awakened from her sleep when her husband had one hand wrapped around her neck and was holding a knife in the other hand.
They placed him in Memory Care.

Do you have POA for either of your parents?
If so it might be time that you step in. It does not sound like it is safe for your mom to be a caregiver for dad.
If you EVER witness an incident that is not safe you call 911 and explain the situation and have him transported.
You can't let this be a "who are we going to burry first, Mom or Dad".

How sad your mother felt she had to take his abusive behavior all her life. And still feels like she should.

Does your mother have any family support who will help her if she decides to leave her abusive situation?

Your father is a danger to his wife and to himself. Your mother if she is his POA can have him placed. If she's not, then she has to go. Then it will be wait for him to get hurt because he can't care for himself, then APS will come and the state will place him.

If your mother chooses to risk her life and live in abuse, there's nothing anyone can do about it. If that's what she wants and she hasn't been declared incompetent to make decisions in a court of law, she's not a child and can live any way she wants.

Is anyone his PoA (and hoping it's not your Mom)?

Although I agree with calling 911 when he gets verbally abusive (and who will be making this call if it isn't your Mom?), if she keeps going to the hospital and getting him released back home, they'll just be in this loop until something more profound happens. Yes, he needs to be taken out of the house permanently but you may have to wait until your Mom has had enough.

Can he get assessed by his doctor for meds for his agitation? I'm not sure they can do this at a trip to the ER (for his aggression). It may take a therapeutic fib to get him to his primary doctor and then to get him to actually take any meds daily.

I think a consult with social services or APS might be fruitful to see what they'd suggest. So sorry for this distressing situation.

After being an RN in hospitals for decades my Mom did some stints in care facilities (in south FL). She would tell me stories about how shockingly strong some of the very elderly dementia residents could become while agitated.

Also, if you think your Dad may have hand guns or hunting rifles in the house, I'd discretely remove them (and the ammo).

Since he could also hurt himself, tell mom that he’s a danger to himself. That might convince even an old-fashioned subservient mom to spill the beans and get him help. An emergency call to the police might get the ball rolling. They assess and determine what agency should be involved. At least they used to when there were enough police.

A sibling’s MIL had Alzheimer’s. Her husband came downstairs for breakfast and she attacked him with a knife. He had to dive through the kitchen window to get away from her. He had to have multiple wounds stitched. She was placed in Memory Care.

So, yes it can happen. And fuel with extraordinary strength sometimes.

If your dad has always been angry and you fear that he will explode, he will most likely follow the same pattern that he usually does.

Please don’t place yourself in danger. Trust your instincts and call 911 at the first sign of any danger.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Call 911 when he becomes verbally abusive. Have him transported to the ER and support your mom in going to the social workers and telling them what is going on.

If she won't "tell", you tell them.

100% possible. When BIL and SIL moved into FIL's home- the VERY first thing we did was take his guns and put them some where he couldn't get to them and then take the ammo and put it somewhere else he couldn't get to - because he believed they were for his protection - but he couldn't be trusted not to just grab them in the middle of the night and "forget" that other people were living there until it was too late because he is an "act now, ask questions later" type of person.

His response to that was that he was going to call the police and report all of us for stealing his guns because he needed them for his protection in case someone broke into his house. Um...it takes you 10 minutes to actually sit up in the bed and put your feet on the floor - by the time you get to the gun...it will be too late - not to mention we have stood over you while you sleep and screamed and you haven't heard us -so do you believe you are going to hear a person breaking into your home? Ok...

He was very abusive to DH and SIL when they were children and now that he is physically "neutered" he will scream at them to get them to do things (this still to this day triggers both of them after years of abuse as children that began with the screaming and went downhill from there. )

We thought that because of his physical infirmities that he would realize that he was likely not capable of harming them and would leave it at screaming.

Until the day he almost threw himself in the floor lunging at DH from his wheelchair in the rehab facility. I was so caught off guard, I almost laughed until I realized in horror that he had his fist drawn back and was lunging at DH - who easily just leaned out of his reach and said "Dad, I KNOW you aren't taking a swing at me." He started screaming instead.

When I was a young girl/young woman around 16 years old - I was visiting a friend. She was the oldest of a whole bunch of kids. The youngest was just 18 months old. Mom and dad had run out to the store, and we were home with the kids and their grandmother who had ALZ. Apparently things had been going on calmly for a while so no one expected any problems

We were all outside and it started raining. This was before cell phones. We all come tumbling in the house and Grandma comes out of her room. There were 8 kids plus me and a couple of other stray friends - so a lot of kids piling into the house. Grandma got confused and quietly walked into the kitchen and the next thing we knew she came out screaming - brandishing a butcher knife screaming at us to get out of her house -she wasn't some old lady that was going to be robbed in her own home and she started running around wielding that huge knife wildly.

My friend grabbed her little brother and we all went basically screaming out of the house into the rain because - what kid has the presence of mind to try to reason with a screaming old lady with a knife? She locked the door behind us and we sat in the rain until their parents came home.

She didn't recognize any of her grandchildren. She got scared and thought WE were trying to hurt HER.

There are lots of ways that people can either continue to be abusive or even become abusive and seriously injure or even unalive someone when they aren't in their right mind - either intentionally or completely without malice or intent for the person they hurt - maybe not even realizing who they are hurting. When people have any kind of illness that impacts their brains - their brain chemistry can be impacted and it changes them and it can change their personality - or it can just make it worse.

I know your mother is being the "good wife" - unfortunately my MIL was very much the same - and as a result - used her children as a human shield for many years.

I don't have any great advice except to be vigilant, remove any weapons and keep your eye on things and keep trying with your mother and try to get her to understand it isn't disloyal.

You betcha.

I think many here have expressed this fear, and there are stories out there. I think so many dementias have an anger component, and add this to being disinhibited completely, if there is access to a weapon, then I think you should be afraid. Or at least aware.

Can you tell us a little of what you are dealing with, or is this a hypothetical.

Someone asked the other day if it is true that 30% of caregivers, according to statistics, pass before the loved one receiving the care. Some say this is a myth and no such statistics exist, but one person did cite a Stanford study. I wonder if this is caregivers of a same age, say hubby and wife. But fact is that we have seen some caregivers here lose their livelihood, their home and their sanity. We have seen a lot bow down to deadly illnesses (but who knows about that as non-caregivers get those as well; and no proven cortisol feed proof that stress causes deadly illnesses really.

Interesting question. So what's up, Sataari? Haven't heard from you for a little bit; welcome back.

Yes, and especially if they have weapons.