I am 29 years old. I currently live with my parents (Mom is 71 and Dad is 73) and two of my siblings (my sister is 37 and brother is 40). We all have various physical and mental disabilities that keep us here, although I am trying to move out for my own sanity, freedom, and because I want to live my own life. I am afraid for what it would do to the family though.
My dad was a terrible father and husband. He had his good parts, but the bad stuff outweighed the good. He was emotionally immature, manipulative, mentally and verbally abusive, and somewhat narcissistic (although I personally think he has Borderline Personality Disorder which has some overlap with narcissism),
He would yell and scream at us almost daily for not cleaning or not helping him with doing work around the house. I don't know about my older siblings, but I wasn't taught a lot about cleaning or doing housework. I was taught a bit, but I don't remember being taught how to keep a clean house. Our house was always very messy and unorganized. My dad's yelling only made me and my siblings want to do the opposite. I had grown up with the mess, so it didn't bother me much, but my dad grew up with very strict and clean parents and was in the Air Force when he was young. I still don't know how to keep a house clean and it's still a mess, even moreso after my organized hoarder grandma died and we got her stuff (a good chunk is thrown away or in a shed we built). It now does bother me, but I'm too overwhelmed about it and have too little energy to do much outside of my job, which takes most of my energy.
Growing up with my dad was a nightmare. Although he did provide for us and had a difficult job, when he was home, it was like walking on eggshells. He was especially mean after waking up (not only in the morning, but after he took a nap too). He was also a liar, exaggerated things all the time, had bad spending habits (but kept telling me about finances), and put on a mask around other people. He was a completely different person outside the home which hid what was going on at home. I really tried to love him, but have come to resent him.
Three years ago, my dad fell on the steps and was found by my brother who got him to a hospital. He had injured his head and other parts of his body. He could barely stand without a walker and needed lots of help. The real issue was that he started saying that various parts of his body were looping and twisting and it would travel from one part of the body to another. For instance he'd say something like, "it's looping in my chest. Now it went to my knee. Now it's in my butt. Oh no! It's choking me (but he was breathing fine)!" He would twitch like crazy person and talk like that almost nonstop all day and sometimes at night too. He would sit and say he needed to stand up, but then that was also uncomfortable. Lying down didn't help either. He was in intense suffering constantly. We took him multiple times to the emergency room at his demand, but they said his vitals were fine and they couldn't find anything wrong they could fix. He constantly said he was dying or that he wished to die. He's gone to multiple doctors and had nurses and physical therapists come to the home. It was hell for months for everybody. However, he was more apologetic and not as mean.
Eventually, he got better. What caused his recovery? We're not sure. It might be the medication or the physical therapy or something else. However, he got worse again months later. It was another several months of this hell. Then he got better again. Now, for the third year, he's got the issues back and the whole family is burnt out. We're barely caring for him anymore beyond the basics. I try to keep to myself most of the time, but it's hard to ignore my dad's talking and the chaos. I want to move out, but my mom and sister can't because of disabilities. My brother is the one doing the most, but he's wanting to walk out too. We can't afford help either and going crazy!
You can call APS on your way out the door and they will come and check out the situation and perhaps even give your mother and sister some suggestions for them to leave if that is their desire, or at least to get them some needed assistance.
There is help out there for all of you but you are only responsible for yourself. Your parents if they truly need help can seek that help for themselves. And if money is an issue, they'll have to apply for Medicaid and will have several options with that to get help.
You deserve SO much better, so I wish you the very best in moving out of your very dysfunctional home sooner than later.
God bless you.
Do your mother and sister have social workers or any other kind of assistance or advocates due to their disabilities?
My mom has severe pain in multiple parts of her body, including her back and knees. She can only stand for a few minutes at a time. She also has diabetes. I'm honestly not sure why she hasn't sought help. Probably for similar reasons I haven't. Fear and not knowing where to look.
I'm honestly afraid of what will happen to the family if I called something like APS. While I don't fully get along with my family, I still care for everyone except my dad. Even with him, there's still some feeling for him. While he was abusive, I still had good moments with him. He wasn't all evil. He gave good advice (sometimes), was hard working (honestly too much), helped me when I needed him, even at his own expense. It doesn't make up for all the terrible things he did, but he thankfully had some good in him. It's what's kept me coming back all these years because I kept hoping he'd become better and he didn't.
I keep thinking I'm done with him and that I don't care anymore, but even writing this, I make excuses for him and I am grieved by our relationship and what it could have been.
I am definitely moving out, but I still need to save up money, so I need to wait a little longer. I'm also planning to get therapy soon. I'm going to have a serious talk with my mom and maybe my siblings to see what we can maybe do. I'm both afraid and excited for the future. I'm hoping my 30s go better than my 20s.
You should watch some videos about how to keep a clean organized house while you are preparing to move out. In reality, it starts with not continuing to bring things into the house without throwing anything out. If you start off with only what you need to live instead of being around other peoples' hoards, you will see it is actually not that hard to keep stuff cleaned up.
There is no point trying to clean up at your current residence. You've got not just the mess that belongs to parents but also from some other family member? You can't do anything about that. But you can start looking for your own place and considering what you would put in there.
Start with stuff like a futon, which can be a bed and a couch while you get settled in. You don't have to get everything brand new, though I would warn you to avoid any mattresses that you didn't buy new and that includes futon mattresses. Hit the thrift stores and get a dresser, and get a little table, even if it's just a tray table for your dinner for now. Get stuff for the kitchen at the thrift store, or look around online for used items.
But you have nothing to do with your parents. They seem to be of sound mind, so what could you do? Nothing. You should move out and live your life. They'll manage without you.
Maybe one of your siblings would be interested in being roommates. That would cut on expenses. But get out now, you're young. Start investing in your future, especially at your job. Get whatever perks they have, like a 401k and start saving for your own future. Even if you wanted to do something about your parents there is literally no legal thing you could do.
You didn’t pick your parents. You got what you got … for better or worse. You are clearly an intelligent person to accurately describe your family//-“warts and all.” You do NOT have to let your PAST define and limit and curtail your FUTURE.
How about this approach. Truly thank your parents for the GOOD things they provided. Truly FORGIVE them for the abuses, failures, and shortcomings. Then, TELL them you forgive, thst you will always love them, and that you are moving out to build your FUTURE in a different setting. Lastly, learn from their negative attitudes and actions. If they did not show love to their kids, make sure you give UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to your own, You can do this… you control your attitude, which will control your actions, which will mold your FUTURE. Best of luck… and may GOD bless you all in days ahead.!!