My MIL has late stage MS. Her husband died last fall (2020) and she took a sharp decline after a blood clot. She can no longer walk, sit up on her own, or even turn on her right side. Her right leg is pretty much useless. Initially she was in a couple different nursing homes from September to November until my husband was finally discharged from the military. I came home a few weeks earlier than him, and ended up with her in my care right before Thanksgiving. I have been her primary caregiver ever since. My husband is unwilling to properly clean his mother's vaginal area when soiled, and is uncomfortable with her nakedness, so he expects me to do the work. His mother is extremely obese and when I first started caring for her, I was physically exhausted with the effort of moving her to change her and her bedding. I have had ups and downs in my emotional state. I've told my husband many times that I didn't know if I could continue to do the job, but he just basically says I'll be fine in a few days and I have to deal with it. He's been gone now for almost two weeks for Reservists work. I hurt my back today dealing with her, and I'm at the end of my rope. I cannot do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want to hear her voice, see her, or have anything to do with her. She pushes me just as much as he does. She will ask me to do things for her and if I say my husband is going to do it instead, she relents and doesn't make him do it. She doesn't care about what it costs me emotionally or physically to care for her. I know I Initially agreed to this, but I can't do it anymore. I'm going insane. I'm 35 with four children from 5-14 that I homeschool. My husband has given me the ultimatum to find a job that pays equal to his and I can go work and he'll stay home. I haven't worked outside the home in 14 years, and my children are my passion. I was so looking forward to homeschooling my youngest child and only daughter. Now I have to give that up, go insane caring for someone I'm coming to absolutely hate, or forcing my husband into a decision he'll resent me for the rest of our marriage. I feel trapped in hell.
Your biggest issue isn't your MIL. Your biggest issue is the a**hole you're married to.
Your husband doesn't view you as an equal partner in this relationship. He puts little to no value on the things you do to keep the household running, much less taking care of his mother. He is issuing you ultimatums, for God's sake! That is NOT someone who values you at all!
I don't foresee his attitude changing, even once mom is gone, do you? And are you willing to put up with this - all while your children are witnessing this as how a marital relationship works? What would you tell your daughter, were she grown and came to you with this sort of scenario? I know what I would tell my daughter...
Find a place for you and your kids and go seek the advice of a divorce attorney, especially if his answer for counseling is "no".
I've known plenty of men who were/are in the military, and they DO NOT treat their spouses like this.
I sure do hope you can get yourself out of this situation.
This is HIS mother, HIS choice and HIS responsibility.
Let him injure himself in any way necessary to take care of her. YOU'VE already done that.
YOU, my dear, are DONE.
Homeschooling 4 children is a full time job. Maybe MORE than a full time job. I assume these 4 kids didn't get born without some help from your husband, and that he supports the idea of homeschooling.
Caregiving for a physically disabled elder is a job for MORE than one person. She needs cleaning, food prep, laundry, repositioning, med setup and administration, medical exams and physical therapy, at the least. She either needs aides in the home or a facility. Paid for with HER resources, not yours and husband's.
Is DH going to homeschool the kids while you are at work?
I am sorely tempted to tell you to take a 2 week vacation without the kids and let hubby figure out how to manage this by himself.
Find yourself a therapist. You need support to stand up to this bully.
Great minds...
Always knew that you were one of the smartest posters on this site!
You were thinking vacation, as was I, and I told her to do it! When I read your response I smiled 😊.
I can't 'see' from here of course or 'hear' his side but wow do I get vibes of 'Me Man Me Breadwinning Hero'.
Now I believe YOU caring lady actually birthed these children, nurture them & even home school them. This is worth ONE SQUILLION TRILLION DOLLARS. He probably won't get that until he is 80 yrs old (like a career focused Uncle).
Obtain a marriage councillor asap. Today. He wants to throw ultimatations around does he? Here's two..
1. Turn up at X time for the first of MANY marriage counselling appointments - or have no marriage.
2. Move your Mother into care immediately - or get ready to do 24/7 solo.
Basically the same deal. He will need to work WITH you, for a solution that suits your whole family & not expect survitude.
Rather than hit him over the head with a hammer, I decided to write down what I did all day the next day. I started at 6 a.m. (not even counting the 3 a.m. feeding), and wrote down what I did and the time I did it until 3 pm when the colicky crying would start.
I didn't do one single thing uninterrupted for more than three minutes, including showering, eating, or going to the bathroom, and even all that stopped when the baby started crying. No wonder dinner wasn't ready.
My husband also traveled frequently for work, and I did all the yardwork in addition to caring for the house and baby. He considered himself to be a pretty helpful father, too, but the reality was he wasn't around for the majority of the day and it was an issue.
I suggest you do the same for your husband and be sure to include what tasks you didn't get done in addition to what you did do. Have it ready for the therapist, and maybe make a copy for MIL, too, so she fully understands what you're dealing with. Chronicle multiple days if you can -- it helps your case even more.
I'm extremely fearful that they're just waiting and biding their time in hopes I'll relent and go back to doing the job again. I don't know if that's true, it's just how I feel. I dread the morning my husband over sleeps and insists I change his mom so he won't be late for work.
They are working on other options for help for her. I have my opinion on what that should be, but I'm leaving it to them as long as I'm not part of the equation. I won't force him to remove her from the house altogether. I expect my husband to get burned out very quickly even though he's still not shouldering the full responsibility like I was. There is a lot more to it than he ever took into account since I have been doing it the whole time. I wonder if his mother will see it and do something about it for him that she was unwilling or indifferent to do for me.
You have made the first and hardest steps. I certainly remember the PRESSURE of family expectations on me - & it was not from a spouse & the care recipitent was not actually living with me.. but that was sending blood pressure up, my heart racing to unsafe levels.
I am very happy your DH has supported your boundaries. By attending therapy he is showing his respect to you also. I hope he will make further changes ie that she move out of your home.
When looking back on this hard patch that you are working through together, may it bring you closer in the future.
I think, as hard as it was & still is, maybe you had to go through it to really know. Now it's his turn. When he does place his Mother into care, he will KNOW it was because he had to.
Keep updating if it helps & please try any relaxation that helps to get that bp down.
All the best 🤗.
Typical military mindset ("improvise, adapt, overcome"). I know - I was in the Navy, my ex-husband was also in the Navy, and my now-husband was in the Army. Well, that works while you're in uniform - basically because you have no other choice - but not so much in a situation like this.
You're between a rock and a hard spot, and it's no wonder you feel trapped. You stated that your husband is a Reservist - do you have any access to Ombudsman services (or other resources) at his command? If so, they might be able to help somehow, including counseling.
My personal take: Remind your husband that in the military, it's all about "unit cohesion," which means that if everyone in the unit doesn't do his or her part, the mission is in danger of failure. That military concept applies to your marriage, too. You have four kids to nurture and educate, and a household to run. He can step up to the plate and take care of his mother by ensuring that she's properly cared for by skilled professionals.
Good luck, and God bless.
It's a good idea to seek out a therapist for an objective, qualified, third party opinion about what's really going on in your marriage. About what's right and wrong, and what you've been subjected to and expected to put up with. He or she will shed light on the whole situation and allow YOU to see things for what they truly are. Then you make up your mind about how you'd like to proceed.
Whether your DH accompanies you to the therapy sessions or not will also shed light on whether or not he's willing to work on HIMSELF and his issues here. We ALL have issues that need work. If he doesn't see that, there's another huge red flag for you to acknowledge.
You have rights; as a mother, as a wife, and as a human being. Make sure DH doesn't scare you into thinking you have no rights and you'll lose your children, your house and more if you choose to leave this marriage. This is when you call a divorce lawyer if the threats come to fruition. Or 911 if the threats become physical. HE stands to lose a lot here and fear can show its ugly head in many ways.
Wishing you the best of luck exercising YOUR rights here and taking your life back now.
My DIL did this to me when his dad was failing. "Family comes first" he'd state, then take off on a 2 week trip and never call me once. I still had 3 daughters at home, 2 with emotional issues that were sucking me dry--and DH who couldn't figure out why I wasn't on board with moving dad in with us. DH never so much as wiped down a counter or did a load of laundry for FIL.
Sadly, to this day (and it's be 17 years) he still thinks of me as selfish and uncaring. Even though I care for his dad til the day he died. Singlehandedly cleaned out his condo, got his rental property ready to sell AND took care of DH post shoulder surgery.
Where were the other sibs? Sitting around waiting for checks to be dispersed as funds came in and things sold.
I did HUNDREDS of hours of work and was paid $0. BIL wouldn't allow it. And DH, as executor, was too big a pansy to stand up to him.
I NEVER felt guilt, but I sure felt ANGER. And we've never really worked it out. I'm glad you're getting care and therapy. DH would never go for that.
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