He is very difficult and sundowns every night and gets combative and emotionally verbally abusive every night. he breaks my things trying to fix them because they look crooked . I can't even walk around the house and have to barricade myself in my office when he is bad .he acts like a literal demon or a wild animal. He screams I am negative I am sick I am a witch. I am putting him down when I ask him to stop screaming at 1 a m. He won't take his pills. I am not getting unalived trying to give them to him.i grtno sleep.I live on a stipend and dad threw a tantrum so they are giving my stipend to him. Who has either a tbi or dementia . I want him to go to a neurologist .I think he needs to be in a nursing home.my sister says no. She doesn't want him mad at her so she gives into his delusions.
He wants my birthday money too . He makes me beg for my stipend even for gas . My sister tells me to pray for gas. No I am not running around with no gas. I had to get a separate fridge because he throws my food out. He watches this weird influencer guy who hates on most food and gets mad at me Everytime I eat because my food isn't Bobby approved.
My sister the poa does nothing she says things like as a caregiver you signed up for this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. she wants me to account for every item I buy at the store.
She tries to tell me contacts are frivolous. I need to leave but I am trapped. I have nothing. I want off for my birthday weekend. Which apparently makes me selfish.
He doesnt like any of the nurses . So they don't want me to take off. They are too busy to come here. I need a break and i am going to leave in the new year if this doesn't stop.
You're an adult. The back and forth with your sister about contact lenses and handing over your birthday money is ridiculous. Let me give a bit of friendly advice here. When you start behaving like a serious adult who means business, people will start treating you like one. Your family included.
You have to leave. Let your father fend for himself. Walk away. Go to a womens' shelter if you need to if there are no family or friends who will put you up. Actually, your sister his POA can take responsibility for his care. None of this is going to happen if you are still living in the home. If you remain there you will still be forced into being the caregiver for the fact that you are there.
New years will come and go and nothing will change in your situation unless you get out. Even if you have to go to womens' shelter for a while, they will help you. I'm assuming you don't work. A womens' shelter will put you in touch with social workers who can help you find employment, job training skills, and even help permanent housing.
The only way your life will improve is if you remove yourself from the environment you are living in. Good luck.
What stipend is OP talking about? Why is family giving it to OPs Dad? I asked if Medicaid is paying for OP to care for Dad. We really need more
speak to legal if you are able to and find out your options
ignore anyone trying to persuade you to put up with bad behaviour or even just the fact you can’t cope
you made the decision in good faith
things change / that’s life
I doubt very much you would have s agreed if your father behaved like he currently is
i would also speak to his doctor
He seems to be a menace not only to you. But to himself also - he should be in care -his behaviour is out of control
Dont put up with abuse - your health matters as well
Best of luck to your family. 🙏❤️🍀
You can quit caregiving . Your POA sister will have to find caregivers to hire or she will have to place your father in a facility.
Website: www.teepasnow.com
Please.Teepa Snow has to say that will help the OP one bit. Her techniques work in theory and would be more suited to clients who have a staff of caregivers and not just one. You cannot force people with no respect for you to treat you with some. The OP's father and sister have zero respect. Teepa Snow can't change that.
I was a homecare worker int he field for 25 years and then went into the business of it. I can say from seeing what the OP has to say that snoopy1979 has too weak a personality type to be in caregiving. The OP is an adult and still getting pushed around by dad and the older sister? Teepa Snow isn't going to help with that. Growing a backbone and taking some control over her own life is going to. People like this need to walk away and not become caregivers. They can handle it.
What you write, you're kind of rambling, all over the place, I kept thinking, "slow down, take a breath" - that's a sign that you are way too overwhelmed!
I don't understand the stipend - where does that come from and who is giving it to him?
And do you live with your Dad, or does he live with you?
Are you acting as his primary caregiver? Do other family members help out or give you a break?
You say you are trapped. How so?
Your sister is the POA. If you have somewhere else to go, you need to leave.
Let your sister figure out what to do next. Don't worry about anyone's judgement. Only you will take care of you. Other people will use you to get their needs met or to make their life easier.
If you are unable or unwilling at this time to leave, and POA won't place your father in a care home, then he needs to be medicated. Do you have access to speak to his doctor or primary care provider? It may be a Nurse practitioner.
Ask about a medication that comes in a liquid form or something you can add to his drink that he won't taste. He may respond well to anti-anxiety medications, although personally, I am not a fan because they come with some negative side effects. I prefer medications which make the person drowsy and calm, such as Hydroxyzine, or Trazodone, or Depakote.
Here are some tips if you are going to try and continue living with him:
1) Medication - if you can get it in him.
2) Consistent, (and calm) routine - the same activity at the same time every day.
3) Try not to argue with him or yell at him - it is no use, and will only excite him more. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, simply turn around and walk out. Go outside for a bit. Create a nice sitting area outside for yourself to take breaks.
Or take a short walk - you don't want to get too far away.
When you are particularly frustrated with his behavior, step away and Google the behavior he is exhibiting. You will find some information and advice from experts, and it might help to re-shape your perspective. I found this very helpful when my husband was awake all night yelling out for help, or calling out my name, non-stop. I would find some piece of information that was helpful and save it to refer to later when I get frustrated again.
For me, what finally calmed him was Trazodone. He finally started sleeping at nights, so I could sleep.
It is crazy-making! I feel for you! Especially if your father is out of control and refusing medications, refusing to see a doctor for an evaluation, and you have a sister POA who refuses to take steps to remove you from this situation.
This is too much for you. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry your father is going through this - I'm sure he is frustrated as well, but is unable to identify what is wrong or what to do about it. You need to step away from this if you can. Let the POA do their job. Your father needs more help than you can provide.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/until-i-can-leave-how-do-i-deal-with-him-i-cant-freely-use-most-of-the-house-especially-the-kitchen--497433.htm
I suggest you compile a list of 'what' actions he is doing. Do It the day of, or the next day if possible. Date/time
You probably have no reason to 'justify' this to your sister/family.
I suggest you start 'writing down & dating + time' and start giving copies to his doctor and state/local social services. Then, soon, start sharing them with the police. 'Abuse & threats' need to be soon shared with police.
Once you do any of this, things 'Will Change' ... maybe not well for you. Where are you going to 'run to?'
'Where is your birth certificate?, drivers license? & insurance? Past tax paperwork?
'Guilt' is a wasted emotion ... when experiencing ~ lift your head up, know you have Every Right to be SAFE.
My Good Thoughts for you, I passed on to my Higher Power as I read your reaching out for 'HELP!'
Whatever your Higher Power ... know that it/they Are There With You.
If you are a caregiver for your father you should be getting paid to care for him. If you are not getting paid tell the POA you need to be paid to continue to care for him. (check what the rate is for a 24/7 caregiver in your area. Room and board are NOT payment for caregiving services)
If you are getting money from any source that is yours and you are not obligated to give it to anyone. SAVE any money you have so you can move out.
If you do leave as soon as you walk out the door report to APS that there is a vulnerable , ill senior living alone with no one to care for him. You could contact your local Senior Service Center and ask to talk to a Social Worker and explain what is going on they will help.
Sadly, No threats of leaving will be taken seriously. So the action of you leaving and no longer participating in caregiving is the only solution for you.
Please explain.
How old are you?
Whose home is this? Is it your home? Is it Dad's home? Is it the home of another family member?
Your sister says that you are a caregiver?
How much money are you paid as a caregiver?
Is there a contract for your caregiving written up by an attorney?
If you are not being paid, then you are NOT a caregiver!
If you are of age, why have you not moved out of this home and taken your "stipend" with you?
If your father is demented or mentally ill and without a diagnosis you need to leave him in the hands and care of his POA, your sister, and leave the situation. I cannot, quite honestly, imagine any other answer. Can you?
During that time, formulate a plan to get out.
YOU are in control of your own life, you need to make a drastic change for your own physical, emotional and financial well being.
This is the exact trap my cousins were trying to set up for me. Luckily I lived out of state, so it wasn't happening.
You need to get out of there. Let your sister know you have done all that you can and she is now responsible. Then work on you. Find a job if you don't have one and get out of there.