My mom is in the early stages of dementia, and her memory is worse than she realizes, which is common with this condition. She lives with me now, and when she remembers events differently than how they actually happened, I usually do not correct her. Is it better for her emotional well-being if I continue to go along with what she says, even when I know it is not accurate, or should I sometimes gently correct her? There are times when I tell her something is different from what she believes, and she responds, “Then why do I remember it that way?” I understand that her memory is mistaken, but I struggle with how to explain this to her without causing distress. Is there any kind, validating wording I can use in those moments, or is it healthier for her if I simply avoid disagreeing with her altogether?
There is no need to correct someone with dementia.
You do not need to disagree with her. You say "I hear you saying XXX" then change the subject.
Anyone forgetting - dementia or not - wil (or could) believe they are right and 'remember correctly' - if they recall at all.
I wonder why you want to correct her, even if gently?
How would it serve her to give her conflicting information (based on her brain chemistry)?
If she says "... why do I remembre it that way? you can say - if it feels right, "well, as people get older, their brain changes and sometimes they remember things differently from what actually happened. ... it happens to all of us.
While it doesn't necessarily happen to all of us, she hearing this will feel better, not so alone, knowing others feel / experience the same things as brain cells change. If this information (brain cells changing) is 'too much' for her, just say, "well... it certainly happens to me sometimes." Then change the subject.
You want to keep her calm. Not raise red flags.
Depending on the level of dementia, she might 'listen' to her MD - if you think that might help. I've found though that some MDs do not pick up on dementia and 'just' take a patient at their word ... while I am sitting there thinking ... no, she doesn't have a drink or two a week, it is more like a bottle every few days. The MD doesn't push it. This is a judgment call. May not help at all to get MD involved, except perhaps meds to keep her calm. ... And that leads me to think, you could blame it on the medication if she's taking any. "Its a side effect. I experience that, too."
Gena / Touch Matters
If she is “remembering” the cleaner stole her money, or the doctor told her she is fine to drive, I would say redirect and change the subject. You can try reminding her “no mom, the doctor said someone else needs to drive you now” you can try that. It might help temporarily or not.
When my dad had dementia I would very occasionally mention it. Like once he asked me “why can’t I read anymore?” And I replied that sadly, his brain couldn’t process written words anymore. He didn’t argue that time. But there were many times when he said he wanted to access his retirement account or drive the car and I would say “the doctor says you can’t anymore” and he would be really mad and argue.
Once my dad made a comment at a family dinner that my son’s girlfriend was far too young for him (they were six months apart in age). I realized my dad likely had my son and my brother mixed up. I tried to correct him gently, and said they do look similar. No idea whether he comprehended what I was saying.
Bottom line — try not to argue, do not demand that they accept reality. Try to meet them where they are whenever you can, as long as health and safety are not compromised.
Think of her memories like stories written on paper then while the ink is still wet the paper is rolled up when you go to tell one of the stories or events they seem to all mesh together so you may get part of one mixed with a part of another.
Unless you are at the doctors office or the hospital and she is relating how she got hurt or how she feels (these are important ) let her have her meshed up stories.
Simply say..."that is interesting mom, tell me more" OR "that is interesting mom, let's go get a snack and we can start getting dinner ready"
Validate..
Redirect
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
You can say things such as "Oh, is that how you remember it Mom? I myself remember it so differently. I remember that Irma wore a red dress to the wedding. I wonder which of us has it right". Big smile. Move on.
Watch some Teepa Snow videos on youtube. They will be so helpful I think. Best of luck. I recognize it is frustrating. TRULY I do. I am 83 and partner is 85 and we can often be found saying to one another "But we just DISCUSSED that YESTERDAY". Of course, one or the other of us has forgot. And it IS frustrating. But there you are; whereEVER you are. Best of luck.
However, I think I catch a bit of mom really wanting to know why she remembers it differently by her asking.
My DH aunt was this way on occassion. She was aware enough to know that she had a problem remembering things correctly. I would sometimes say, yes, that happened, but then this happened on the next “episode” or I remember it this way, not implying my way was better or more correct.
One of our favorites was how old she was. When asked on a BD she would usually say a number in her 80s and then look at me for confirmation. She loved to laugh so I would respond with something like “And I am 12.” Then we would both laugh. She would hoot when I would say, no you are 95 today or whatever she actually was.
Someone else might be 95, her expression seemed to say, but not me.
I do remember very early on calling her out over a phone call I overheard. She was piling on several events to a nephew who worried about her quite a bit. He lived several hours away.
Later I asked her why she did that to him and told her it would make me worry if she told me all that over the phone. She dismissed it by saying “It makes a better story”. 😳
Smooth over anything that might be hurtful to remember or really doesn’t matter. I watched as my SIL argued with her mother on where a piece of pottery came from. I was so shocked at the behavior. I hadn’t realized that MIL had beginning dementia and that SIL could be so tone deaf on how mean she was being. Later she would say, I can’t believe mother was “lying” about that. Neither of us knew much about dementia but to me what she said was so disrespectful and unnecessary. My MIL was a “Lucy”type, fanciful and creative but not a liar.
It’s such a gift to give and receive kindness and will keep peace in your home.
If someone is listening to her confabulations you can always tell them later that mom fills in when the memory bank fails and help educate them on dementia.
If it were me, I'd be very upset at being corrected, and it would only make me worry more than normal. Just resist the urge to correct her, and just nod and smile, or give a generic comment, "Yes, that was a great vacation," or "That was really a fun day!" type of reply.
Like southernwave said, "no sense in upsetting her." You don't want the pouting, moodiness, and crying behaviors to start.
I wish you patience in navigating this journey. It's not easy.
I'd like to simplify my question to hear your thoughts on this specific situation.
Me: Mom, here are your morning pills.
Mom: I just took my morning pills.
Me: You did take the early pill but you get two separate doses in the mornings.
Mom: Then why do I remember taking both doses?
I don't think I should I agree she took them when I know she hasn't to eliminate stress. Is there a good approach in this specific situation?