Follow
Share

My mother-in-law is refusing to take a shower. She uses our guest bathroom as her own. She is slowly running out of clean clothes and refuses to let me wash them for her but doesn't know how to use my washing machine. And she's back to calling me a "heathen". She's deep in Dementia.

Find Care & Housing
Your husband needs to take her dirty clothes from her and wash them, every week. He also needs to arrange for an aide to come and help her with showering/bathing. Is it time to place her in memory care?
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to MG8522
Report
Dawn88 Feb 15, 2026
There's your answer!
(4)
Report
The wrong person is running your home. The person with dementia cannot make the decisions or refuse what’s necessary. You and your spouse need to do what’s best for her, minus relying on her opinions. You cannot take what she says personally, her mind is disappearing daily. If this is too much to handle in a home environment or by a family, there are options. She can move into memory care or you can hire in home help. She may also need medication to calm her agitation, it’s hard on her too.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Tell your Husband he needs to TELL his Mother to take a shower. He should handle his Mother, not you. Stop "asking" her because all they say is NO. Just take her dirty clothes and wash them, don't ask her if you can wash her clothes!

Husband needs to get her in the shower himself, or TELL HER she is going to take a shower and get clean, period. Get the shower supplies ready (towels, soap, washcloth, shampoo and fresh clothes), warm up the water and bathroom. Then get her and TELL HER "your shower is ready, go take it!" Even follow her to bathroom, show her water is warmed and have your husband nearby to TELL his Mom to take a shower.

Don't let your MIL NEAR your washing machine, either. She will end up breaking something or flooding the house. Or ruining other clothes.

If she is "deep in dementia" tell Husband to start looking for a Memory Care facility and get her placed. This is very unfair to have to babysit and deal with a stubborn senior that isn't even your own Mother.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Dawn88
Report

Here's what happens if she isn't kept clean:

Her skin can break down. She'll get rashes and/or infections in skin folds; built-up sweat and bacteria causes these. If she isn't clean, there's an increased possibility of urinary tract infections (UTIs), which can cause further mental and behavorial issues as well as death. All of the above can end her up in the hospital, which can expose her to various diseases. Furthermore, everyone in the household suffers from a miserable quality of life. The whole house starts to smell.

Show this to your husband and refuse to be the one who takes care of her. It's his mother. If she were placed in a memory care facility, they'd make sure she was kept clean.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

It might be time for a care home. Dementia is a horrible disease that robs people of their logic and common sense.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JustAnon
Report

Sadly your MIL has probably forgotten how to take a shower or no longer feels safe in doing so, so you're either going to have to hire a shower aide to come give her one, or you're going to have to take her by the hand and get her in yourself, making sure of course that there are grab bars, a slip proof mat, a shower chair for her to sit on and a hand held shower head to make things easier for her and you. And yes you may have to wash her yourself to make sure she's clean. And you don't ask if she wants to take a shower you just tell her that it's time to take a shower and lead her in.
And the same with the washing of her clothes, you just do it for her as she know longer knows how to do it anymore. And again, you don't ask, you just do it.
Her brain will not be getting any better, only worse, and if these things are getting to be too much for you than it may be time to have her placed in a memory care facility.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
Suzy23 Feb 18, 2026
I second hiring a shower aide or putting her in memory care.

There is no way I would get in the shower with another adult other than my husband. That’s just me though. We all set our own boundaries.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
HOME CARE DOESN'T WORK

Get her into a NH that handles dementia.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to olddude
Report

As always, I recommend involving the doctor before getting heavy or making decisions. Sometimes, not always, a physician the patient knows can be very helpful. Family can be easily ignored. Dementia often brings on feelings of mistrust and being robbed of independence.
Have your husband make the appointment, then take his mother to the doctor while she has refused to bathe. Gently, in her presence, share with the doctor his concerns for his mother’s health in the way of bathing. There are many serious complications that can accompany non-bathing.
There are many possibilities for her unwillingness. Cold bathroom, being chilly after the shower is turned off and until warmth is returned with toweling and dressing. Also, feeling safe in the shower. As I ended my long-term care in rehab I took a photo of the shower and called a reputable man to recreate the same environment in my shower. The shower head I can easily hold or replace on the holder, shower seat, grab bars, towel within easy reach draped over the shower door or curtain rod while shut, a towel draped over my wheelchair to transfer on to. A warm bathroom with a small heater running.
Bless your hearts, all of you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Understanding70
Report

When dementia sets in, you don't ask, you just do what is needed.
Take her clothes and wash them, and put them away when she isn't looking.
She may have developed a fear of the shower, or of the water. It could be very uncomfortable for her, or she just doesn't remember and thinks she showered already.
It sounds like YOU can't do it, but consider hiring someone to come in and help her shower, OR they can provide a bed sponge bath. Your MIL may be more amenable to that.

There will be so many other things that you will need to simply do or provide for her, as she will not know how to do. If you ask, the answer will be "No". You just guide with suggestions, and tell her what you are doing. It does help to tell her every step what is going to happen next. And, try and keep a consistent daily routine. That will help her to be less anxious.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

For now, you could get your mil a pack of disposable wash cloths that are usually found in any drug store. She may still be capable of wiping herself down with these which would allow her the privacy and dignity that is so very important for elders.

If your mil is not capable of doing this herself, maybe some gentle assistance would be needed. It's not a permanent solution, but with an aging relative sometimes you just have to try something that works for today.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Seekerone
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter