
My mother-in-law is refusing to take a shower. She uses our guest bathroom as her own. She is slowly running out of clean clothes and refuses to let me wash them for her but doesn't know how to use my washing machine. And she's back to calling me a "heathen". She's deep in Dementia.
Take her clothes and wash them, and put them away when she isn't looking.
She may have developed a fear of the shower, or of the water. It could be very uncomfortable for her, or she just doesn't remember and thinks she showered already.
It sounds like YOU can't do it, but consider hiring someone to come in and help her shower, OR they can provide a bed sponge bath. Your MIL may be more amenable to that.
There will be so many other things that you will need to simply do or provide for her, as she will not know how to do. If you ask, the answer will be "No". You just guide with suggestions, and tell her what you are doing. It does help to tell her every step what is going to happen next. And, try and keep a consistent daily routine. That will help her to be less anxious.
If your mil is not capable of doing this herself, maybe some gentle assistance would be needed. It's not a permanent solution, but with an aging relative sometimes you just have to try something that works for today.
Have your husband make the appointment, then take his mother to the doctor while she has refused to bathe. Gently, in her presence, share with the doctor his concerns for his mother’s health in the way of bathing. There are many serious complications that can accompany non-bathing.
There are many possibilities for her unwillingness. Cold bathroom, being chilly after the shower is turned off and until warmth is returned with toweling and dressing. Also, feeling safe in the shower. As I ended my long-term care in rehab I took a photo of the shower and called a reputable man to recreate the same environment in my shower. The shower head I can easily hold or replace on the holder, shower seat, grab bars, towel within easy reach draped over the shower door or curtain rod while shut, a towel draped over my wheelchair to transfer on to. A warm bathroom with a small heater running.
Bless your hearts, all of you.
Get her into a NH that handles dementia.
Her skin can break down. She'll get rashes and/or infections in skin folds; built-up sweat and bacteria causes these. If she isn't clean, there's an increased possibility of urinary tract infections (UTIs), which can cause further mental and behavorial issues as well as death. All of the above can end her up in the hospital, which can expose her to various diseases. Furthermore, everyone in the household suffers from a miserable quality of life. The whole house starts to smell.
Show this to your husband and refuse to be the one who takes care of her. It's his mother. If she were placed in a memory care facility, they'd make sure she was kept clean.
Before she became immobile, she bathed daily. After her ankle healed to where she could have showers again, she bathed twice a week. Then it became once a week, then once every week and a half, then every 2 weeks, then every 3 weeks before going back to 2 weeks for a time. Now its back to 3 weeks. Her shower last weekend was her first in nearly 4 weeks, as well as the 2nd time she's been up and around the house so far in 2026. Then again, the winter weather that came our way a couple of weeks back was likely the reason she put the last one off.
Husband needs to get her in the shower himself, or TELL HER she is going to take a shower and get clean, period. Get the shower supplies ready (towels, soap, washcloth, shampoo and fresh clothes), warm up the water and bathroom. Then get her and TELL HER "your shower is ready, go take it!" Even follow her to bathroom, show her water is warmed and have your husband nearby to TELL his Mom to take a shower.
Don't let your MIL NEAR your washing machine, either. She will end up breaking something or flooding the house. Or ruining other clothes.
If she is "deep in dementia" tell Husband to start looking for a Memory Care facility and get her placed. This is very unfair to have to babysit and deal with a stubborn senior that isn't even your own Mother.
And the same with the washing of her clothes, you just do it for her as she know longer knows how to do it anymore. And again, you don't ask, you just do it.
Her brain will not be getting any better, only worse, and if these things are getting to be too much for you than it may be time to have her placed in a memory care facility.
There is no way I would get in the shower with another adult other than my husband. That’s just me though. We all set our own boundaries.