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Tell your Husband he needs to TELL his Mother to take a shower. He should handle his Mother, not you. Stop "asking" her because all they say is NO. Just take her dirty clothes and wash them, don't ask her if you can wash her clothes!

Husband needs to get her in the shower himself, or TELL HER she is going to take a shower and get clean, period. Get the shower supplies ready (towels, soap, washcloth, shampoo and fresh clothes), warm up the water and bathroom. Then get her and TELL HER "your shower is ready, go take it!" Even follow her to bathroom, show her water is warmed and have your husband nearby to TELL his Mom to take a shower.

Don't let your MIL NEAR your washing machine, either. She will end up breaking something or flooding the house. Or ruining other clothes.

If she is "deep in dementia" tell Husband to start looking for a Memory Care facility and get her placed. This is very unfair to have to babysit and deal with a stubborn senior that isn't even your own Mother.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Sadly your MIL has probably forgotten how to take a shower or no longer feels safe in doing so, so you're either going to have to hire a shower aide to come give her one, or you're going to have to take her by the hand and get her in yourself, making sure of course that there are grab bars, a slip proof mat, a shower chair for her to sit on and a hand held shower head to make things easier for her and you. And yes you may have to wash her yourself to make sure she's clean. And you don't ask if she wants to take a shower you just tell her that it's time to take a shower and lead her in.
And the same with the washing of her clothes, you just do it for her as she know longer knows how to do it anymore. And again, you don't ask, you just do it.
Her brain will not be getting any better, only worse, and if these things are getting to be too much for you than it may be time to have her placed in a memory care facility.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Suzy23 Feb 18, 2026
I second hiring a shower aide or putting her in memory care.

There is no way I would get in the shower with another adult other than my husband. That’s just me though. We all set our own boundaries.
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Your husband needs to take her dirty clothes from her and wash them, every week. He also needs to arrange for an aide to come and help her with showering/bathing. Is it time to place her in memory care?
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Reply to MG8522
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Dawn88 Feb 15, 2026
There's your answer!
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