It's never good enough. How do people deal with the disrespect and moral obligations?
I am a 43 year old single female, who works full time, drives a 3 hour round-trip commute to work, and who lives with my eldery parents that are in poor health. They eat bad and continue to order fast food, even when I cook healthy. They complain all the time about everything. They have no level of activity, and do not try to improve. They poor mouth life to everyone, and everyone else is the problem. I help them with so much and I continue to. I have no time or mental energy for a social life. My father still tries to take care of my bedbound mother, and they have a friend/nurse that tries to as well, but honestly, my parents are so pessimistic, passive aggressive, and ungrateful that she wants to quit. I have one sibling: a 53 year old sister, but she fills her 3 times a year quota, swooping in to "save the day", then just voices cares, prayers, and complaints from afar. Last month, both of my parents were in the hospital for a week, at the same time, for their poor health. I have been running in circles for them until I've collapsed from exhaustion and depression. For context, just in the last month I...cooked a big meal and cleaned for everyone (in-laws included) for Christmas by myself, had to search for a plumbing part and help our handy man neighbor fix the plumbing that messed up, made multiple hospital visits to see both of them and balanced going to work, cleaned several hoarder-like messes at the house made in the past few months by my father and nephew, then had to take off multiple days from work once they came home from the hospital to trade off care with the nurse, grocery shopped several times, picked up prescriptions, did laundry like always, cooked and prepped multiple meals for them, cleaned up my father's filthy van so I could take it for emissions, it failed so I got the part and did the mechanic work myself and had to drive for 2 hours to reset the computer, took it back for emissions to get the passed certificate, have done every tedious task they ask me or text me to do (even when I was sick from stress), helped my father off the toilet and back to his chair when he was having problems walking, and now I'm about to prepare them for an ice storm and be here with them if that happens. Extra note: My 18 year old nephew stays here every weekend, every school break, and summer. He has never worked, he uses them for their money, and is a complete slob. I even do our yardwork and keep our small engine equipment working. He doesn't help with that. You can't say anything to him though because my misogynistic father protects him and it gets ugly. Anyhow, the other night my mother pushed me to my limits at 9pm at night when I had been gone at work all day. I got an attitude, my father yells at me, and when I said, "Think of how much I do for you, especially lately", my father rudely said, "Ugh...you only cooked for us twice." (as if his false shortage of meals just erased everything else I have done and do)..................I thought I was going to explode. He does not have any cognitive decline or memory disorders. He's just hateful like his mother was and nothing is ever enough. In the midst of the argument, my mother also told me that my nephew doesn't have to help out because "He doesn't live here." Um, no mother, he basically does. I went into my room and into a full blown anxiety attack and my heart was bouncing all over the place. I fell down crying and shaking. Sadness craves sadness, and they want me as broken, sick, hateful, and miserable as they are. To them, I do not deserve my own life, happiness, or peace. I will never meet their astronomical expectations. It hurts my heart, and I wish I could afford to move out soon. They continue to paint me as the villain every day. I truly don't see how other people calmly, and lovingly do this.
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No one noticed when I disappeared.
Because I vanished in pieces.
A little patience here, a little self respect there.
Until all that remained was effort, with no name attached.
Over-giving doesn't make you unforgettable.
It makes you invisible to people who only recognize you when you are useful.
Look out for yourself because no one else will.
It is now time to tell both of your parents to go pound sand regardless of whether or not you live in their house. Start considering yourself a tenant rather than a care slave and do absolutely nothing for them. No cooking, no cleaning, no anything. Put a lock on your bedroom door which is your right. You also start paying rent to your father until you move out. If he refuses to set a reasonable amount for the room or won't accept money from you, get proof of it in writing. You offered to pay and he refused. Keep a record of this.
If it's possible for you to stay with friends or other family members until you move into your own place that would probably be your best bet. If it's not, then spend as little time as possible at your parent's house. Sleep and shower there only. Do not prepare any meals and do absolutely nothing for either of them. Start thinking of the place as your parents' home and not your home. It is not your home. If they wanted you to think of it as home they would not treat you the way they do. So, walk away. Start looking into housing nearer to your job.
Move out for your own good because you don't deserve to be used and abused such as you are. Let your ingrate parents rot in their own nastiness and stubbornness and good luck to them. Let your ingrate nephew figure their lives out because you're done.
I agree on the side gig possibility -- you're basically working 1.5 jobs (at least) now, so if you stick to your current position and add on a part-time job for a few months instead of caretaking, you could easily save up the move-out funds.
AND. You MOVE OUT, go live close to where you work.
Then call APS once you have moved out .
This is not a healthy situation for you to be living in .
This is no longer working for anyone .
A very wise social worker told me “ Stop helping , let them fail “
Stop propping them up and let APS takeover .
There are websites or maybe now even an APP where people advertise for a roommate to share rent.
And mentally prepare yourself for living humbly for a while. You will probably need to start with renting a room not having an entire apartment to yourself. If you work full time, you should be able to manage something. And if you can reduce your commute, you'll save money on commuting costs AND perhaps have time to for a side-gig to improve your situation.
It is ok to take care of yourself first and let your sister deal with the fallout for a change. Be prepared for lots of anger, but remember, you are not their punching bag. You have already given so much. The well is dry.
And please get some support for yourself, such as therapy. There are sometimes resources in the community for folks who are low income on a sliding scale.
And it sounds like you have.
I also feel that if you lie down like a rug, people will walk all over you.
Only you know what kind of parents you had growing up, and if they were not putting you first back then, then why do they have the right to expect you to put them first now?
I have to agree, that this is not sustainable, and you need to take care of yourself.
Find a way to move ou and care for them from afar, like your sister does. I would not completely turn my back on them, but you should not feel bad about taking care of yourself. When they pass away in the very near future, what will be left of you?
It is terrible to give so much of yourself and feel so unappreciated.
I am sorry that you did not have loving parents that put you first. I am sorry that your sister is ok either way you carrying all of the burden by yourself. The nephew sounds entitled, spoiled, and needs to grow up into a man. A man that wants to pitch in and help. Some people are just users and takers.
Best of luck to you!
🙏❤️🍀
There's a 99.9% chance it won't end well. It will either destroy you financially, mentally, or physically - most likely all three.
It was different in the old days, when dementia was pretty rare, and illnesses didn't last so long.
Next, ask yourself....did your parents take care of their elderly parents (when they were working in their 40s??)
Then get a room to rent and MOVE OUT.
Get out of there. Live closer to your job, and if you need an excuse to leave, that's a good one. Once you're out of there, you can concentrate on your own health.
You think it's impossible to stand up for yourself, right? Well, you can. You've been conditioned and groomed to be subservient. Do you like being that way? What's in it for you? Nothing but more abuse? That's not okay. You deserve better.
"I truly don't see how other people calmly, and lovingly do this," you say.
I can help you understand how we do it (most of us, anyway). We are appreciated. We are loved. We enjoy helping others; it makes us feel good about ourselves. We are not abused. We find joy in the little things our loved ones do because we helped them do it. For instance, holding their heads up so they can eat an ice cream bar. The happiness in their eyes when they taste it. Taking them outside for a glimpse of the big blue sky, and their smiles when they see birds on the wing overhead. These things make caregiving worthwhile. You don't have that with your parents, and you probably never will.
Which is why I say, "GET OUT!" You can do it. You're worth it.
You do not have an obligation to run yourself into the ground taking care of others.
Why are you living with your parents? Can you move out and let them figure out how to manage their own lives? You don't have to solve everything for them.
In fact, you don't need to solve anything for them.
You are so caught up in this daily routine, and daily drama, I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist. Instead of heading straight home to deal with your parent's needs, stop and see someone who can help you to understand why you feel this need to do more than is physically possible. This living situation is not sustainable. And it will only get worse as your parents age and their health declines. At some point, when they are no longer able to live on their own, find a care home for them.
I often wish that show 'The Golden Girls' was never made. It ruined the lives of so many women who believed the fantasy of the Dorothy and Sofia relationship was possible. It is not. When elderly and adult parents live together it is never this. 'The Golden Girls' made for good tv, but that's all.
Advice here is not harsh, it's Real.
Good luck taking your life back. Only YOU can do that based on what YOU believe you deserve.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
Your sister is showing you what a healthy relationship with parents who refuse to help themselves looks like. In fact three times a year is a lot, from my perspective. Move out. Save yourself.
Can't move out, just think of the gas you will save and wear and tear on your car. Are you spending your money on them, stop. I would start looking even if its a room over a garage.
Next time one of them is hospitalized, claim unsafe discharge and no money to hire caregivers. Refuse to pick them up. Once u walk thru those doors, they become your responsibility. It sounds like Mom should be in LTC anyway. Tell them there is no one there to care for them. You work fulltime and cannot take time off for their care. I would also look into "family leave" time. You can take it in increments and cannot be let go from a job while on it.
I bet sister is the favorite child or realizes this is not something she can or will do. You need to get that attitude too.
You have your own income from your job, so you can afford to move out. Are you using it to pay for them? Stop doing that. It's your money, not theirs. They had their lifetimes to save money. They have their house they can sell, or they can tap into its equity. They are giving money to your nephew, so they have money to spare.
Look online for an inexpensive airbnb room. Or ask a friend or work colleague if you can stay with them for a week. Then ask another. Contact your local women's shelter if necessary. (They'll be busy with extra people because of the storm this weekend, but after the clears up you can talk with them.)
They won't starve since they know how to order their fast food. Groceries can be ordered and delivered, from their local grocery stores, Walmart, Target, and Amazon. Prescriptions can be ordered online and delivered. In fact, that's what insurance companies and Medicare prefer.
They can hire people to clean their house, or they can live in a hoard. They can hire someone to do their yard work. Your father can take his own van to be inspected and repaired. Or they can have your nephew do these things. They don't need to right now because they have you voluntarily enslaved. You don't HAVE to do any of this. Again, they have money for fast food and to give your nephew and to buy junk to hoard, so they can spend it instead on these needs.
They can PAY their nurse friend for the help she is providing, at full market wages. Or she can quit also and they can contact Medicare or a home-health agency to provide the care. Have they even looked into what Medicare and their supplementals will provide, or have they just chosen to mooch off of you and the nurse friend?
So, today is Friday. Spend the week making your plan of escape, packing, and tidying up loose ends. When your nephew arrives next weekend, say goodbye and leave him in charge. Permanently. Don't answer their phone calls. Let them go to voicemail. Call 911 for any true emergency. Otherwise, let them do what they would have to do if you lived far away like your sister.
Oh, and when you look for the housing, get it near your work so you don't have to do this long commute. Spend the evenings and weekends RESTING for a while. Then start gradually adding the activities and social life that you can and should be enjoying as a normal, healthy 43-year-old single woman. Doesn't that sound nice? You DESERVE it. Choose it for yourself. Let us know how it goes.
You are the only one who can fix your situation.
It appears you never learned how to set and keep healthy boundaries. If you can't afford a therapist, search online for 'how to set healthy boundaries' - there are lots of great free resources.
You DO deserve your own life, happiness, and peace, but this only happens when you learn to set healthy boundaries. This will help you in ALL aspects of your life, and people will respect you more.
Some of us were lucky and born into families that respect each other. Others had to set boundaries or completely disassociate with their toxic families and create a better life without them.
People can't take advantage of you without your permission. Remember, "no" is a complete sentence. You don't need to explain yourself when you say no. In fact, it's better if you don't explain yourself, because it just gives manipulators ammunition to further bully you.
Please do online research on "FOG fear obligation guilt", because once you start to set boundaries, the people you've been helping will try to guilt trip you back into being a doormat. Here's a helpful link: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
I will beg to differ on this. Loss of empathy for others is actually one of the personality changes that comes with dementia. Even if he was somewhat unempathetic prior, it gets worse with dementia. In other words, he will NEVER become more grateful.
" ...they want me as broken, sick, hateful, and miserable as they are. To them, I do not deserve my own life, happiness, or peace. I will never meet their astronomical expectations. It hurts my heart..."
We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose our boundaries with them. You are under NO obligation to be their aging care solution. They had their entire lives to figure this out and decided to be lazy and selfish and just ASSUME you into that role, and you were the frog in the pot being slowly boiled.
The solution "says easy but does hard". This means responders will probably all suggest that you move out, but extricating yourself fully and cleanly won't be an overnight process and you will need to deal with family rage and your unjustified guilt burden. You have nothing to feel guilty or burdened about. You are your priority, not them. There are other solutions for them -- they just won't like them but that's too bad. Not your problem (and don't say it is. It is not).
Your Mom being bedbound means she may qualify for LTC in a facility and hence Medicaid. Your Dad can pay for in-home aids for himself, or your Mom if she doesn't go to a facility.
If you are not the PoA or legal guardian for either of your parents, guess what? You have no real power here. You can't force them to do anything even if you did have legal authority. Please provide this information so you can get the most appropriate advice.
If I were you, I would start looking for another place to live. I did read that you can't afford to move out -- but can you afford to stay? Can you pay the price that burnout will charge? No. Call in social services for their county and start asking questions about in-home help for them. When they start yammering about "having strangers come into the house" just literally ignore anything they say to you that is wrong, hurtful, manipulative, etc. Or, you silently walk away and go into your room and lock the door and come back out when you feel like it. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior: you literally ignore it (and keep ignoring it) as if they never said it. You blithely change the subject to something neutral and completely unrelated. It works if you do this consistently. I've done it to my MIL. It works.
You need to identify and defend healthy boundaries. Maybe seek some therapy to do this. Yes therapy costs money but so does car repairs put we suck it up and pay for those, don't we? Your boundaries are for you to defend because your history of being a care slave and pushover means they will start battering your main gate to break it down. If you defend consistently they will become confused and exhausted and give up. You will win. But still, you need to move out.
Maybe as you are strategizing your move-out, you can announce that you will stop shopping and cooking for anyone except yourself. You won't clean any part of the house except the areas you alone use. You won't do anyone else's laundry, or manage or pay for repairs. If they ask why you tell them because you no longer want to do it. Just NO. If you give them reasons they will start negotiating with you and you'll lose ground. No is a complete sentence. Yes, it will be messy and chaotic but there is a goal to this plan.
You can't keep the nephew out since it's not your house but don't feed him or do anything for him. Make your bedroom your sanctuary and stay in there or go to a coffee shop so they physically can't ask you to help. Screen their calls and let them go to voicemail. If they ask, "Who's going to cook dinner tonight?" You shrug your shoulders and say, "I dunno. I told you I wasn't going to do it.
You are not responsible for your parent's happiness. You cannot make resistant adults do things in their own best interests or be grateful to you. The only answer is to literally remove yourself from the situation mentally, emotionally and physically (and financially). Your sister won't like it either, but she gets the same treatment you are preparing for your parents: silence. She can "swoop in" and dare be the next solution. Then they will become her "problem".
May you receive clarity and peace in your heart as you do some hard things that will create lasting benefits for you.
You owe your parents nothing. As in nothing.
And move out, and quit using the excuse that you can't afford it. If you truly wanted out of the situation you would make a way come hell or high water. Even if you just have to rent a room in someone's house or couch surf with friends until you find a place of your own.
You will never have a true life of your own until you remove yourself from your parents home and from being their slave.
Your parents made their bed and now they're lying in it, but that doesn't mean that you have to lie in it with them, so get the heck out of dodge and learn from your sister how to just be 3 X a year visitor.
You can do it...if you really want to.
Start by stopping many of those things on that list. Add to the list of things you won't be doing, week by week. Eventually they will understand what happens when you are not doing things for them. Maybe they can hire a cleaning person. You don't have to worry about what they are eating, if they are very old, let them eat what they want.
Nothing will change until you make the first moves. Are you not in a position to move out and rent somewhere? If not that should be your priority to save to do so, give yourself a target in time and financial terms. Ask for help, there must be organisations who at least can give you advice, financially, emotionally and for people who are being abused.
30% of carers DIE before the people they are caring for. Please don't be one of the 30%.