Resources in our area are limited. COVID made that worse. Would prefer to arrange home care to supplement the 24/7 care I’ve provided these 4 yrs., but few helpers are available.
If mom is placed, I will still spend lots of time attending to her.
I wonder if dealing with a facility would add to the stress I feel or lighten the load. I think it might add to it, with COVID problems, short staff, etc. Maybe some of you relate to the idea that “I can do it better, myself”. But, then my life is hers 24/7. She doesn’t like to see me leave for my few days off.
I recently texted sister and said that I can’t do with a break only every 4 months or so, and that I am thinking I will only commit to one more year here. She replied that she can’t take mom in, as their lives are too busy, but she would try to make the 5 hr. trip here more often.
That would help, but I didn’t suggest that she “take” mom. My other sibling in Colorado is not a choice. And I don’t want mom to feel like an unwanted burden, either. My mom is precious to me. But, I can’t stand my loss of autonomy and liberty much longer. I have lived alone most of my life. Makes it hard to live with someone else. Mom doesn’t get that.
Mom is very controlling. Always wants to know what I’m doing, what is this, what is that? It kills me to surrender my own autonomy like this. I can hardly stand it sometimes. I am a patient and loving person, otherwise I’d snap at her.
One solution I am thinking of is to get a small house so I have somewhere to go instead of a dive motel on my few days away every few months. My sister said I should wait with that until my caregiving days are done. But I am thinking, it might give me something to look forward to and to feel that, yes! There is life after this! I need something to look forward to.
Probably not till next Spring, but, that seems a good idea to me (if I can find anything I can afford).
I am needing help to work through my feelings of abandoning mom to a facility. I don’t think I can do it until she feels ready. But, I need a solution for myself so I can go the long-haul, if I must. Things change often. Wonder if anyone has thoughts?
It's like Quarlkes asked MY question, and the answers here have been very helpful.
One thought I haven't seen here that has been one of my rationalizations, though not quite enough to make it happen, is the fact that I myself am 71 and tomorrow is promised to no one. Forget burnout, etc. What if I go first? Who's going to take over caring for Mom? Wouldn't it be best to have that in place ahead of time, not to mention the whole "when do I get to enjoy MY retirement years." And given there's no family that's going to step up, settling her into a reputable facility before disaster strikes makes sense. So why do we resist so much? I guess we all know the answer(s) to that, but it's tough just the same, and I have yet to take the next step. Though all of you are helping me to get closer.
FWIW, I recently started seeing a therapist (online), and it is helping me to accept myself, my limitations, and past and future choices. Medicare is paying for it, so if that's an option, I highly recommend it.
Having been discarded or cast off.
What does it men to be Abandoned:
Verb. abandon, desert, forsake, to leave without intending to return.
Abandon suggests THAT THE THING OR PERSON LEFT MAY BE HELPLESS WITHOUT PROTECTION.
Your mom is not being cast off or discarded.
You are not deserting her or leaving without intending to return. And she is not being left helpless and without protection.
I am sure this was a difficult decision and that you researched it and chose a place that will give her the care and attention that she needs ...and this is important...In a safe surrounding with people that will care for her.
You will still be a caregiver. You will always be her advocate. But with people that are also caring for her you can be a daughter, son, spouse (this is for everyone) and that allows you to relax and enjoy a visit rather than worrying about what needs to be done next.
It can get to the point where it is no longer safe to care for someone.
I told myself that I would keep my Husband at home as long as it was safe for ME to care for him and as long as it was safe for HIM to have me care for him at home. Physical safety , mental, emotional all plays a part. You can not care for someone 24/7/365 if you are physically and emotionally exhausted.
This is not abandoning someone it is providing care.
Have you contacted your local Senior Center or the local Agency on Aging to determine if mom is eligible for any services. It is possible that you could get a caregiver in a few hours a few days a week. That would give you a break that it sounds like you need.
I think covid has made it much more difficult as I know it has for me (it made it harder for what I provide and harder to just think about finding her a place). I would love for my mom to have a more consistent outlet for engagement - activities - and better accessibility and yet I also know that right now finding that perfect place for her and getting her settled in will also make for a lot of work and time. Time I do not have. I have recently hired someone to help and spend time with mom in my home (that in itself is taking on more work in the beginning).
Getting someone to get to know mom - and know her likes and dislikes - getting them to know my home - her supplies - her routine - and how to care for her is as if I have taken on another job as well (and it will be no different in a facility as you are realizing it will also require a lot from you to start).
I know your thinking - You have cared for her for 4 years - you know so much about her and you therefore you know it will take quite awhile for others to do this as well and how much it will take to start this transition (and your not sure you have that in you right now) . It is a lot of pressure to be doing all the care and then have enough mentally to make all the “right decisions”.
If you do not feel that right now you can place your mom and that it will cause you more stress then maybe for this time you do focus on something that can bring goodness to you - something that will give you a feeling of doing something for yourself - to bring excitement and joy to your spirit. Even just baby steps towards exploring what that can look like - if that is your step one then try it. 🌷
If you change your mind going forward then at least you started something good for yourself and maybe by even starting this will also help you find a peace with finding a place for mom.
wishing you the best.
I have had trouble saying “no” to mom, because she is a perfectionist, and I am not! But the point is, I must set my limits, regardless of her. This is something you wonderful people on this site have helped me to get a hold on. Yay!
Thank you so much. Your words are important to me.
you can’t expect them to be happy leaving home .
but you have to do thinking for both and you have to make best decision for both of you !!! Will they be safer ?
will they get better care … feel less isolated… have lots activities and company … will you be more relaxed rested refreshed.. enjoy quality time
with LO instead of doing all the grunt work … and being cranky most of the time. No good choices here But those who take care LO at home 24/7 may also feel they didn’t do a great job of it. No winners with dementia… affects caregivers as well
good luck with your choice !!!
I get stuck in my own head and need input. Thank you!
”Placement” is often different, BUT NOT NECESSARILY EASIER, than home care. You have found yourself running out of resources to provide more for her. If it IS “ABANDONMENT”, a caregiver has made a painful decision, whether consciously OR UNCONSCIOUSLY.
It sounds as though you are organizing your thought as an effort to balance caregiving with self preservation. I am currently the caregiver for a LO who gave her life away, working full time in a high pressure job while taking care of my grandmother, who was totally dependent and non-verbal, for the last 10 years of her life. My LO, who is now 93, actually never recovered herself.
”Abandonment” doesn’t happen when love and facts combine. If you can find a good one, a family therapist an help, and if it feels comfortable for you, you might want to try that. I did, and it helped.
Know that many of us have lived this, some of us more than once, and many of us support you.
I can not deny that I felt I had failed when I placed my mom - I had thought I was uniquely well equipped to care for her and because I was much better off than many of the people posting here on AgingCare my burn out had to be a flaw in my character. I'm still in awe of the people who seem to retain their ability to provide loving care right to the end of life but I also now am relieved that I was not able to do so, I've seen many other on this forum whose experiences broke them.
I started by placing my mom in a facility for respite care and one thing I can tell you for certain is that the feeling of setting down a burden was almost physical, I knew then that despite my grief there was no way I ever wanted to shoulder it again. Like everything in life there were pros and cons, some things the nursing home did better than I ever could and some things still grieve me years later. Sometimes there are no good choices.
I, too, keep looking for flaws in my character (mom helps with that), but it helped me so much when you wrote that to me.
I know I am a good daughter, even tho mom doesn’t understand how she reinforces that I am NOT!
Yes, I count my blessings—that I am much better off than many, BUT, when you are miserable or confused and need help, we’ll, then there is no point in comparison because misery is in need of help! (Makes sense?) Anyway, I truly appreciate your response to me. You add so much to AG, and I am grateful. Thanks for your help. K
Will you be doing that?
I think not. You will be calling, visiting, arranging gifts, clothing & necessities & I expect much much more.
What's a better word to use?
Overseeing? Supporting?
"Mother has moved so I am helping to care for her at her new home." Sometimes I find re-writing the words helps.
I tend to be precise in my words and think that helps, but no.
I get your point, and you are so right. I won’t forget it, thanks.
I guarantee you my mother would have died two years earlier had I been the one caring for her full-time -- something both my brother and my husband thought would be a dandy idea. I'd just spent two months living with and caring for her (with dementia) and my dad (cancer) as my dad declined and died. I lost 10 pounds in that time, slept barely four hours a night because Mom went to the bathroom every two hours at the minimum, and I was a walking zombie. On top of all that, my brother and husband suggested I give up MY home and hubby and I would move in permanently to the house I grew up in that's virtually falling apart.
I gave a firm and unequivocal NO to that scheme.
Look, life is full of changes, and while most of them are exciting -- like marrying, moving out, getting a new job -- some are not. Nonetheless, they're changes we have to adapt to, and taking care of Mom with little assistance is not adapting to the changes in her needs. My mother was heartbroken to leave her home of 50 years, and I was heartbroken to be the one who made that decision, but eventually we all adapted to the new normal of where Mom's new home was. No, it wasn't the happiest experience for any of us, but I knew that she wouldn't die because of my inability to carry the load.
think I don’t have it so bad. But I feel that when you don’t know what is right to do, then, you just don’t know…and that is miserable, no matter who or what you compare it to.
You are right about so may things, but perhaps you don’t understand, that NO, some of us DO NOT have lovely things in our lives, like children or things to look forward to. It must be difficult for persons with children and families to understand .that those of us without families really must struggle when our parents want to consume the few remaining years of our lives when we hope, hope to find something at last, for ourselves. (Sorry, my rant). Thanks.
I too am the sibling whose life is seen as disposable and if it were my mum who needed care, she would be too precious to me too... she is the reason I help take care of my dad.
Finding a good place for your mum is the right thing to do, but how you work past the guilt is the hard part. I don't know what I would do, to be honest. You have no reason to feel guilt, you have stood by her so well. Support groups, therapy.. those things may help but work through it you must.
I think it may be something that improves over time. Once she is settled and you have a set schedule of visits it will be easier.
In taking back some of your life, you will be able to give her quality time which is the most important thing but also, you need to live your life. Your life is just as important as anyone else's and is not disposable.
I love the idea of the little house, :)
I try not to judge, tho I sometimes do when I feel tired.
This decision is very tough because mom is “with it”. She has some dementia symptoms, but not enough to “place” her.
so, I am here and need to problem solve for HERE. I can do that. I just need support and someone saying…”you’re good”