It's a huge adjustment but I'll figure it out. But my son gets very frustrated and angry whenever I forget something or make an error. I feel humiliated and hopeless. My memory isn't likely to get better so am I just supposed to accept his harsh judgment -- a constant reminder that I am less than I used to be and very unworthy. It hurts like hell.
drink Keto coffee take Ginko biloba ,ginseng
Have a lil notebook and write down important things
Your son is very rude and seems abusive I'm sorry 😞
Btw some ppl get sick from mold exposure and one of the symptoms is memory loss
And if he can't/won't do that, then perhaps you may have to tell him not to contact you until he can be more understanding, as you deserve so much better.
May God bless you and keep you.
So I understand where he might be in his head.
I am sure as a son his is having problems with the idea that
1 You are mortal. We all are but we don't want to think about losing someone.
2. You will continue to decline, there is no cure.
3. You begin to wonder about every little thing..is this the dementia or did I simply forget I was supposed to meet Jane for lunch?, is this the dementia or did I just forget where I put my phone? Is this the dementia or did I really forget milk when I went to the store? I could go on and on all the little things that you forget and that everyone sometimes forgets...is it normal or is it dementia.
If you had never been told by a doctor you have cognitive decline would he even worry about something you forget?
No you do not have to accept his harsh judgement.
You can tell him that you do not like it when he talks to you that way.
Tell him it makes you feel less than.....
Ask him to hold his judgement and if he can't you can ask him to leave. Or if you are with him ask him to bring you home.
He does have a lot to learn.
I understand it is scary for him. but it is scary for you as well.
By the way if you are not seeing a therapist please consider it. It will be nice for you to talk and vent in a judgement free space.
Also talk to your doctor about your thoughts on this.
You have this listed under depression and mental health. Depression is a big concern and there are medications that might help. There are side effects with each medication and or supplement so be aware of that as well.
You are not the problem: your son now needs to educate himself about cognitive decline and memory loss. There are strategies to use so that your interactions are more peaceful and productive. I understand him totally, as I was him not long ago. It takes a while to change how we relate to our LOs with this issue... I've built up 66 years of a pattern with my Mom, seeing her one way only and expecting her to be a certain way. It will take him time to practice thinking before he reacts or responds to you. He will get there eventually, but he needs to be intentional about it.
Teepa Snow has some very good videos on YouTube you can refer him to. May you both gain peace in yours on this journey.
It is probably a good idea for you to consider what trips or other things you’ve put off doing and just go do them. You might also want to consider how you would want your future care to be managed and if you want to go into assisted living or would want caregivers in your home. You should decide these things so it is done the way you would want.
I wish you all the best.
Not sure how old your son is, but I will assume not a kid or a twenty something. As an adult, he can grow and learn about this situation both for him and for you!
Others have suggested a therapist for you, great idea. It might be helpful to have your son join you at some sessions w/a therapist OR have a few joint family sessions with a therapist who specializes in CTB-type (shorter, not so much examine all the trauma of one's upbringing) to help unpack all of this. Your AL facility may have some recommendations, the local Area Agency on Aging, your physician who diagnosed you with memory loss may have recommendations too. Worth finding a therapist who specializes in "grief type" situations.
Back to your question: No you should not have to just take his "harsh judgment." You both are going through a grieving process that is sad, scary and unpredictable. That does NOT mean you have to be his personal punching bag and nor him yours.
Working to set some boundaries and to work towards honest and open sharing about what this means: the fear, the sadness, the what next, any planning for what is next is a goal to work towards. He can be angry and frustrated with the condition, disease or situation but it is NOT your fault -- you did not ask for this and he did not ask for this. But you both are on this journey now and you both can worth to find ways to not blame the other or tear each other up. Hugs.
Maybe start with voicing your feelings: "I feel humiliated, hopeless and sad when you get frustrated or angry with me when I forget something. I did not ask for this and nor did you. I need you to work with me, to support me as we go through this situation. Perhaps we can talk together with a therapist about this. Also, you might also find it helpful to get your own support as my memory decline may get worse over time and you need to work through your grief on this without taking it out on me. I am angry and frustrated; scared too and I do not want to take it out on you either. Memory loss sucks. I love you and want to make our time together as best we can, while we can."
Hugs again!
My dad started out with MCI 16 yrs ago. He is now in a nursing home with Alzheimers. Over the 16 yrs he has lost the ability to do a lot of things. But he is still my dad. I love him as much now as I ever have. When I’m having a bad day, I can visit him & may only get a smile, but it goes straight through me & makes everything better in that moment. He still has that power.
So please remember you are valuable. Your son hopefully will learn more about mci & dementia & be able to handle it better going forward.
Best wishes to you both as you deal with this new reality.
I finally had to remove my father from that toxic living environment, and he was so much happier. He lived in Florida for 8 years with me, enjoying life.
I'm sorry. (Memories are still fresh.) My point is, the constant reminder is not suitable for your decline. You need support to live your best life during these upcoming years. My father lived with dementia for 16 years, and he did not pass from side effects of the illness.
You can live a happy and healthy life surrounded by positive people who reinforce you. Do you have options, and if not, would your son be open to counseling to understand the illness?
What we may lose in memory as we get older is often balanced by increased patience and kindness, You have a lot to offer. Find a place that recognizes that, if your son cannot accept your changes. I am sure he loves you, but he is afraid. I am sorry you have to go through this. You deserve happiness.
As the disease progressed, she began doing things that frightened me. She would leave the stove-top burner on or the over on. She left the kitchen faucet on twice with the stopper in place, and it overflowed. She would leave the refrigerator and/or freezer doors open. Then she began forgetting to take her medication 3-times daily so I had to set my phone alarm to remind her. After a while she became argumentative and would tell me she had taken them, but obviously hadn’t. She would tell me she didn’t need me to remind her. Then she would begin to place things in strange places and when found, she accused me of doing it! Finally her balance began to deteriorate and she would fall. Sometimes she could get up by herself, but other times I could not help her and I had to call EMS for help.
After things continued to get worse, I, along with her family, decided she needed to be in an assisted living facility. So about a year ago, we moved her into one. Now she’s in their memory care unit because she has attempted to leave the facility a couple of times. She had even packed up her room and was waiting for whomever she thought was coming to pick her up. Her judgment is impaired, which is another symptom of this disease.
Depending on your condition now, if you are able to take care of yourself, and if your family is comfortable with you continuing to stay where you are for now, then, in my unprofessional opinion, I think you could remain at home. But my wife, even up to today, thinks she is capable of taking care of herself at home and does not need to be where she is!
This is a hard decision to make and you should rely on the opinion of your family. They are truly watching out for you and want you to be where you are safe. Trust them! I will be praying for you.🙏
My mother has now advanced to the point where she needs 24/7 help. To be honest with you she was not living much of a life in her IL cottage since she was very isolated other than my visits and her caregivers. My brother felt that getting all the in home help she needed would be very expensive and I had a hard time finding skilled caregivers for her. I started looking at MC facilities for her and found an excellent one which was less expensive than getting 24/7 care. When she first moved to the IL cottage she chose a place that had the continuum of care options but it was a two hour drive from me so we found somewhere closer to where I live when she needed to go to MC. She was never in AL, we found in home care instead. I think we both would have been happier had she taken that step as well. She is doing so well in MC and seems so much happier that I am almost jealous of the care she is getting! She is now more advanced than you are but she is doing better than when she lived alone. I kind of wish she had been open to assisted living at an earlier stage, I think it would have helped both of us. Even if you find somewhere that offers all stages of care and start in IL you may find that having the option to move to AL and eventually MC as you need more help can be worth it. It would also allow you and your brother to have a better relationship since he won’t feel that he has to take over all the responsibilities for things you can’t do. Before we got help for my mother I was trying to take care of her needs while trying to manage my own life and it wasn’t working. I started feeling like all I did at her place was work and we no longer did fun things together since I had the two hour drive each way and had limited time no matter how often I went to see her. I hope your brother can come around to understanding what you are going through. No one can truly understand everything about the experience until they are going through it.
I wish you the best, whatever path you choose.
Men in general, at least some of them, tend to think they know everything and have serious frustration levels with us mere mortals who suffer from any kind of deficit. Be it a hearing loss, cognitive decline, or a set of rules we've asked them to adhere to. Snicker. Give him a taste of his own medicine.
We ALL have issues to deal with, and we ALL deserve kindness from our loved ones. Unless we are dishing out vitriol ourselves, then all bets are off.
Take care of YOURSELF, my friend, and stand UP for yourself as well.
Start with hiring helpers on your own, with an official care giving business! Licensed, insured and vetted.
Assisted living is where participants fall through the cracks on self help health care.
Stay on true Medicare. Don’t change to an Advantage plan. Have a primary care doctor you choose and trust!
You need a companion a few days per week. You need check in routines to see if you are ok. If you have balance issues or need assistance with mobility issues, this can facilitate moving into AL.
If you need help with medication reminders, the cell phone does this with programming. If you ate sending checks improperly written, or bouncing checks, hand the finances to trusted persons. Or regularly visit your banker to assist you before assigning them to someone else. Many widows run into this decision making conundrum. Your children can help you with this preliminary approach before wasting spending on a system that takes more than it gives! So many rules to abide by. Social Cliches and food service budget cuts can make life miserable. Isolation is not reduced in the confines of AL. Downsize your belongings, so not to burden your family with the task!
AL is expensive and gets more respect than it deserves.
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As far a continuum of care model , IL to AL and then SNF. Make sure rhe SNF has a good rating! Many don’t!
Most of us are looking at life from the perspective of the adult kid with an aging parent so I really appreciate that what you are saying may even be how MY mom feels. I hope you can live independently for a very long time with a slow progression of the disease. I think that in-between place of mayyyyybe being able to live on our own but mayyyyybe not is the hardest place to be. (My mom can right now, but she is being so stubborn in the areas where she needs help staying safe, we know she will never let anyone decide for her when it is time for assisted living or memory care.)
But wait- that's not what I wanted to say! I am an Activity Director at an assisted living community so OF COURSE I see all the glittery parts of moving into a community where we can stay socialized, exercise our senses, brains, & body!! I think it is heartbreaking when people wait too long to move in & then are no longer adaptable & able to enjoy the GOOD parts of community living!! Also- because you are cognitively able now, there are always people there who aren't- & the best thing in the world is to be an able bodied person like yourself, take others under their wing & help them at planned activities or even just reading aloud to them. ❤️
PS- The places I've worked always has a group of ladies who "do lunch", whether that is w/ the one with a car or sharing an Uber!!
I understand there is a bucket of reasons "why not"...
I just wanted to share the fun part from a different perspective!
He only agreed to move when the social worker and hospital pushed him into it because they wouldn't release Mum from hospital because there was no lift to their flat - it just wasn't suitable or safe.
But it was too late for Mum - her dementia was too advanced and her health too poor to enable her to join in with the activities (except the singing group I took her to). It was heartbreaking.
My stepdad hated it there and complained constantly- mostly because he felt he'd been forced into the decision. So, once Mum died, he left and went to a different sheltered housing complex, which is also closer to his daughter instead of me.
Now, he joins in with all the social events there that he previously shunned and moaned about in the one he lived in for a few months with Mum.
I'm happy to see him embracing life, even going out to a music festival at a local park with his daughter, but it also upsets me to think of Mum having been shut in a tiny flat because she only wanted to do things with her husband (he was her safe place) and he refused to move somewhere suitable for them both and only sat in front of the TV.
Mum had been a sheltered housing (IL & AL) manager and lived onsite, so I grew up living there in my teens. She planned lots of activities for the residents, and I know how much they enriched people's lives. Her granddaughter, my daughter, helped out with Friday afternoon teas, just as I had done.
I really believe that moving to a "forever home" while you still have enough strength and health to make use of it is best.
Sending best wishes your way. This is a hard road on everyone.