It's a huge adjustment but I'll figure it out. But my son gets very frustrated and angry whenever I forget something or make an error. I feel humiliated and hopeless. My memory isn't likely to get better so am I just supposed to accept his harsh judgment -- a constant reminder that I am less than I used to be and very unworthy. It hurts like hell.
Best of luck to you and yours!
Wishing you all the best.
Your son could be trying to get you to understand something fairly simple but for whatever reason you can't. My mother is 92 and there have been situations where I have lost my patience with my mother because she can not grasp something simple and none of my answers are making sense.
For example I once had to drive my mother to a specialist Gynecologist for a medical issue she was having. Her PCP sent her to this office and the drive was 40 minutes away. During the trip my mother asked me multiple times if I knew anything about the Dr. Each time I answered a plain and simple "No". She then asked me if I had any female coworkers etc that had seen this Dr. again I said "No". Then she asked if my PCP had ever sent me (male) to any of the doctors in the office, again my answer was "No". Then she got frustrated with me and said "I find it hard to believe that you don't know anything about this doctor, because I just want to know if they are a quack or not".
I pulled the car over and looked my mother in the face and told her. "I don't know anything about this Doctor because they are a specialist Gynecologist and I'm a Man and lack the plumbing to be seen by this Doctor. I don't discuss Gynecology visit with my female coworkers because it's none of my business. Your PCP wants you to see this Doctor because you have the plumbing that they are qualified to treat". Was that a little harsh? Yes but my mother was just not understanding why I had never been to this Dr. or why I didn't know anyone that had.
However common, your son's attitude and behaviour are not acceptable. I can't imagine that it would be easy for you to cut him out of your life - you love him and you don't want to miss him, especially while you are going through something so very difficult.
Not only does he need to understand cognitive decline better, but he needs to understand that his behaviour is harming you. You will never have this time back and your condition will not improve. But it doesn't have to be all negative - I still had some lovely moments with my mum over the 13 years she lived with cognitive decline from a stroke and vascular dementia.
He needs to be supportive and kind, not abusive and fault finding. But he can't learn that on his own. Please show him your initial message and some selected comments (ignore ones that seem to think you can fix cognitive decline with diet!) as that might help him to change his mindset more quickly.
You need back-up, as too many people are quick to dismiss the experience of someone with any brain issues, especially those affecting memory. In the absence of any in-person support, use this thread to back you up.
I wish you all the best. Please prioritise yourself and take care.
I am very sad and equally feel some anger that your son is responding to you this way. He, likely both doesn't understand what is happening and (doesn't have the wherewithal to approach you with compassion) and/or he doesn't know how to manage his own feelings of sadness and grief knowing his mother is going through this (not knowing isn't a free pass, though - you are his mother.)
Of course it hurts like hell. And, no, you are not 'just supposed' to accept his harsh judgment. Tell him how it feels to forget and to be meant with his harsh reaction. Tell him that if he can't be more compassionate and understanding - of what YOU are going through - then to step away 'for a while' as his wrath is something you do not need on top of this diagnosis.
Tell him to watch Teepa Snow's webinars, You Tubes, read her books. In other words, educate himself on what dementia is and does to a person (and their brain), and the family unit. Hopefully, he cares enough to take these proactive steps - to understand YOU better - so he can care for - and about - you directly now, and as you continue to change.
And, yes, it is difficult to be around someone who forgets and repeats themselves. This is why we need to understand what the brain is doing, realizing that the person cannot help how they are / respond to outside stimulation / communications. He needs to learn to take 'TIME OUTS' before he responds to you in or with anger. Tell him this. "Leave, please when you are triggered before you react in anger towards me. It hurts."
If it is possible, I would recommend you find a social worker or professional who works in this field and talk to both of you, together. And, then perhaps talk to him, separately / privately. He may 'just' need some support to deal with his feelings of this new news and his, understandable, ignorance of this condition.
I do feel it is important that - when he is open to hearing this - that you tell him that the time is NOW to say what and how you feel - have heart-to-heart discussions, authentic discussions, sharing feelings. As there will come a time when you won't be able to participate in these conversations with him due to not remembering.
In other words, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. Hopefully, he will not waste whatever time you have left being as aware and cognizant as you are now. This is gut wrenching difficult stuff to deal with - although you know what is coming down the line (although I do not know how / if your condition will progress, I presume it will) so you have this 'gift of time.' Ask him to use it wisely, with you.
Most family members do not know how to handle dementia as they are thrown into this situation without any education, training, prior knowledge. Most, or certainly some, family members continue to talk to their beloved / family member as if they are the same person as they used to be ... because they cannot grasp what is happening.
If you are able to find more / other support for yourself elsewhere, I highly encourage you to do so. Do not rely on your son for much at this time - as he simply doesn't have it in him to give to you in a positive way. He doesn't know how to respond or 'be.' He is a fish out of water. But, then so are you.
Somehow, he needs to access his compassion about and towards you directly. First, he might need to have a major cry or breakdown emotionally to accept what is happening to you. His anger is likely a defense against feeling the pain and sadness inside him.
The other need to consider is your housing / safety. Depending on financial ability, you both might want to check out seniors housing, multi-levels of care. You don't have to make any decisions now although it would be good for both of you to know what is out there. Gena