Mom wants copies of all of her legal documents in her nursing home room, "just in case" the staff needs them. How can I get her to see it's not safe?
First let me be clear; I don't want this business of POA but I am "it" Saying yes I'll do it is one thing and being responsible to carry it out is another, especially with the Mother that I have.
Mom first made my sis and I POA, then (rightly so) felt my sis wasn't responsible and took her off, leaving me to carry the responsibilities out ( now I wish she had left me off too!). Mom is a control freak! She lives in N.H. care and now wants copies of all the important documents, S.S.#, State I.D. etc "in case" they are requested of her which I have exhausted myself with explaining that the N.H. has everything they need even in case they can't contact me. SHe's seen proof of it when they had to rush her to the E.R., she needed not one piece of paper because it was all taken care of.
I am ready and happily willing to relinquish my POA, but of her own admission, who could she trust? And of my own words, apparently no one, not even yourself because you admit...you are un-able to handle business matters anymore so WHAT DO YOU WANT????
I thought of making a faux "important document folder" with phone numbers of the family members, Ins. Company, but then where does it end, she'll want the bank's phone # which will lead to having the bank account floating around because she will not leave anything in one place, she moves everything from place to place then forgets where it is and then blames any and everyone else for taking it. Can you see where I 'm going???? Now we worry about I.D. theft.
There's just not much to review but once a month I take the bank statement to her to review ( she can't see it, she's looking at it upside down!) i read the activity off to her, give her balance and take the statement home.
She wants Co-control and I don't operate that way, either I return control her 100% or she allows me to manage their affairs 100%, reason being if she looses, mis-places, signs up, agree to something I cannot, will not be responsible for the out comes.
Just before she entered the N.H. with my Dad, she was giving out information over the phone to solicitors then panicking and wanting me to "fix" it. 96 yr old don't care what happens but trust that all is well...as it is!
I just want peace of mind. My mom means well, but she's a worrier and that's just what she doing, laying up there worrying about what to worry about next.
Any suggestions any one???? I could scream,
15 Answers
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If this issue is re-visted and knowing my Mom it likely will, I like the ideas presented of creating an "important information" folder as I have done a couple of years ago but certainly not with the same degree of vital and important information. Then perhaps a scheduled visit witt the Administrator to discuss this "important information" so that maybe, just maybe Mom will feel more in charge of her life.
I really do understand how she must feel; losing control even voluntarily giving control to a well trusted person however, a serious degree of realistic practicality and security must be administered for all concern.
Mom is a child of the Depression Era, there's a lot said for that generation. ( she hides her purse under the mattress!) not to worry, she has very little change ( in case she has to catch a cab or make a phone call), a small bible, etc.
Thanks again for sharing your wisdom, I will investigate legalVault...never heard of it. I Love this website.
Regarding the “If it’s needed” argument, if there is a medical emergency, the nursing home staff will look in her medical file, not search through her room. Even if they can locate the documents in the room, they would not want to assume that these are valid (they could be outdated or not the most recent versions). It’s much better for the facility to have the current healthcare power of attorney in their medical file than to have instructions to look in her room for one.
As for the “control” issue, I think you are on the right track with your idea of creating an “Important information” folder for your mother that she can keep in her room. This should not have any account numbers or her social security number. I’d suggest the folder include a sheet which names who has custody of the originals, who is her successor trustee, financial and healthcare agents, names of family members, and contact information. Another alternative if your mom is internet-saavy (many elders are these days) is to store the documents in secure online depositary such as LegalVault. That way she can access them any time.
The conflict over control is something a lot of people in this situation go through. Giving up control can be very tough for seniors, even when they have someone they can trust taking care of things. Hopefully you can come to an agreement about what information she keeps, and how and where she keeps it, so that her information is both protected and accessible is needed in an emergency.
I come here to vent and seek advice from those who are or have gone thru some the issues that i'm experiencing and to offer my support to others as well. I know I will miss my parents, I just don't want our latter years to be filled with unnecessary turmoil.
For you it's the BLT's and daily rituals, for me I miss my dad's fudge, grilled cheese toast, Ice cream saturdays and much more. I miss Mom's spagetti and meat balls, our own field trips, life lessons while cooking a meal together. I enjoyed traveling with my parents as a child and then when they came to visit me while living in Germany. Mom still speaks of touring Anne Franks apt in Holland, visiting the Eiffel Tower in Paris, taking a boat ride on the Black Sea, NY City, our last cruise together in 2006.
Right now, I enjoy mom's sence of humor... when she allows herself to relax enough to have fun, I enjoy dad's calmness and constant assureness that everything will be ok.
I know this is the new normal, I'm just trying to hold on and find my way thru it. It's great to know that I'm not alone, thanks to all of you and first and foremost I give thanks to God for getting me to where I am now.
I still need help to make and I thank you all and support you all during and after your care giving.
On the other hand, I can honestly say that I do not miss my mother. She became very ill when I was age 4, so I never really got to know her....which is probably why I don't miss her - I never established much of a relationship with her, so there was nothing to "miss."
BTW... MUSIC is a good diversion too! I would play different styles of music to see what positively affected my mother. We even sang songs during her bath!
All I can say is, it's not an easy road you are traveling, but one that many have gone down before, perhaps others will share their ideas too, and it will be less bumpy a road!! God willing!
Today we spent several hours out, shopping, nails, lunch and having meaningful conversation.
No matter how positive I start and constant re-direct she will take the conversation down bad memeory lane. At this point, I have to get it thru my head that this is her personailty and if shes not willing to change it...I do what I can for the time being and remove myself from her negativity.
Thank you for your great idea, I actually love doing these types of hobbies myself. Maybe I can get her to "help me" make ideas you listed. Matter of fact...that will be a great way to spend time with mom and dad instead of trying to fend off negative chatter.
As far fetched as it seems, maybe just giving her something ELSE to obsess about will redirect her energy. Why not ask her to 'document' her life, family friends, anything other than "legal documents"
Gather some questions for her to answer and 'write her memoirs'. Get a journal, some pictures, scrapbook supplies, and safe items she can use to 'complete a scrapbook' of things from her life.
Just a suggestion.
Most of moms problem steams from not occupying herself in a more productive manner. She admits to this however still chooses idle time filled with worry.
I want nothing more than to cherish every precious moment, that's why I'm trying to work thru and around these barriers that she presents. I'm not done but I am worn with trying to enjoy the goodness of life with mom, we come too far to live our latter years like this.
Just to protect your sanity and her assets, one thing you can do is place a "freeze" on her credit report. If anyone should get her info. and try to take out loans or do anything that requires a credit report, they would have to show picture ID and I believe they call too. Call the bank and have a password placed on her account that only you know. If anyone calls for info. or trys to do anything unsual, they would have to know the password.
When your Mom starts in on the same 'ol tune, redirect the conversation and take her down another path. Perhaps she will forget what she asked you.
So many of our parents are of the depression era generation. They had no trust in banks (smart!) and feared being destitute and hungry. I am afraid that fear even spills over to family members. In addition, old age leaves you with very little control, so whatever behaviors we already had are intensified in our elderhood.
If you have these safety measures in places, perhaps it will at least give you peace of mind should your Mom continue to give out information.
Btw, my Mom was always the one to tell us to never give information to anyone. Then one day I came in the room to hear her talking to one of those "sweepstakes" people. I grabbed the phone and told the creep what I thought about their targeting the elderly. Of course, the salesperson just went right on talking....they are soul-less. So, if my Mom can fall for these scams, anyone can.
okay...I'm Screaming now!! FOR CHRIST SAKES....PEACE BE STILL!!!!
I also love the idea of meeting with the administration to go over the paper work, however, she realizes that that have everything but what if the office is closed was her answer.
She drove everyone nutts with worrying about her "paper work" while I was out of town. Now I don't even tell her when I'm out of town. It's sad, I can't share with her like I used to but for sainity's sake...it is what it is.
I'm going into tree pose, I need some Chi Tea, or really a good strong beverage.
Thank you and I welcome all encouraging words and ideas. I need them!!!!!!!
What would be the harm in giving her some papers to put in a folder? Well, from what you say 1) that would lead to an endless stream of paper requests and 2) it increases the risk of identify theft.
If I had to discuss this wit Mom, I would lean heavily on #2 and not mention #1 at all. :)
Remind Mom that she has retired from managing financial details. As hard as she has worked all her life and as good a job as she has done, she is certainly entitled to retire and relax at this point in her life. Identity theft is a real risk in today's world, and it is now your job to protect her from that risk, including not letting private information be in insecure places like her NH room.
Would it help if you set up an official business meeting with the NH administrator, your mom, and you, to go over the list of documents and account numbers, etc, they keep, and how they keep them secure? Obviously you'd clue the admin in ahead of time as to the real purpose of the meeting.
Is there something more productive she could be worrying about? Maybe a list of who she wants notified when she passes? The mother of one of my good friends spent lots of hours in her 90s planning her funeral service, including the hymns and the luncheon menu. She drove the minister nuts giving periodic updates -- "I think the ladies' circle should do ham sandwhiches instead of turkey, don't you?" but it gave her something to occupy her worry cells.
Good luck to you, and bless you for taking on this necessary but thankless task.