Two months ago Dad fell and broke 5 ribs while walking the 96lb dog, The next day, we went to check on them (they still live at home without any care givers). We discovered he had forgotten or ignored the doctor's instructions about the dog and had taken the dog outside to the dog run (ice on steps). They had no dog food and the water bowl was frozen. We didn't want the dog, but took the dog so that he would not "forget" and try to walk the dog with 5 broken ribs. We went with him a month later to the doctor to see if his ribs were healed enough so that we could give them back their dog. We learned that he had decided not to refill any medication for the past year, including his memory medication and his diabetes medication. We went into action at that point to begin the process of implementing the power of attorney and to move them to a place where they can be cared for. This past month has been hell. We are driving his medicine to him daily because we don't trust that he will remember to take his medication if we don't personally take it there and watch him take it. His blood sugar levels are coming down slowly. Mom has more advanced dementia with all the ugly issues that go with it. We are verbally assaulted about taking their dog, about throwing out their ice cream, about asking them not to drive. We don't know how to reason with them. We are learning that all their neighbors refer to her as the crazy lady who yells at them if anyone parks in front of her house.
How do we take away their car keys? As power of attorney, are we liable if they have a car wreck? As of yesterday, they were approved to move into Independent Care, but this is going to take at least a week and that's if they are cooperative, which they are not.
Help we are at our wits end.
They should never be given the dog back either. I know that's a very difficult pill to swallow. We think of pets as comforting and members of the family and how awful it is to deny your parents of the dog that they have loved and cared for but if your folks are unable to care for themselves, and it sounds like that's the case, then they can't care for an animal. And by the way, there's another post on this board about caring for a dog when one has dementia. It's in the "Questions" section. There are a lot of comments as well.
When I had to take the keys away from my dad he didn't have dementia. He was very social and I knew it was going to be awful. But we just had the discussion but again, my dad was a reasonable man at the time. Your parents aren't. Do you go to the Dr.'s with either of them? You can have a Dr. tell them that they are not to drive anymore (preferably a Dr. who is an older man as this generation tends to listen more to older male Dr.'s). Can you and your sibling(s) heavy-hand your folks into giving up their keys? As in, they give up their keys and that's that? This place that you moved them to, are there RN's, social workers, Dr.'s on staff? You all may have to get together and gang up on your dad about his driving.
As for liability, legally I don't know but I'm sure there are people here who will know from experience. Your mom has advanced dementia so that's a no-brainer about the driving issue. And if your dad can't remember to take his medication then he shouldn't be driving either. I think they're a liability on the road but legally, again, I don't know. I think the hallmark on the driving issue is if someone can't participate in their own care then they shouldn't be driving. You have to drive to your dad everyday to ensure that he's taking his medication. This isn't someone I'd want on the road with me.
You said that you moved them into a place where they can be cared for. Doesn't this place have staff that administers the medication? There are alternatives to your driving there everyday. Nursing agencies offer professional caregivers, usually a 2-hour minimum, and they do medication reminders. It's pricey though. However I do know some patients whose insurance pays for X many hours a day. It'd be worth looking into.
You did the right thing getting your folks into a more secure environment. All of this other stuff can be worked out and hopefully your stress with lessen some.
The system tends very much to err on the side of self-determination. You may have done all you can, and like lots of others, are in the unhappy position of having to wait until something worse happens. It sounds like his judgement is quite bad (has it been that way all his life?) but he is letting you check into and help with finances at least a little. It is very, very hard to say whether you have enough evidence that he cannot manage his own affairs to fight for a guardianship, versus just doing what you are doing now. An experienced eldercare attorney in your area could be helpful in that regard, as well as a comprehensive geriatric evaluation...from what you are saying, he may formally test out as having only mild cognitive impairment at this point. And with you encouraging and acheiving better control of the diabetes he may function a little better for at least a little longer too.
Can you replace the sweet goodies with no-sugar-added or sugarfree versions?
Agree with comment that they would listen to Dr. if he told them - no more driving, must have in home services, etc. - maybe he would even write "prescription" for these. Their generation seems to listen to "authority" figures.
Got my Mom to quit driving by emphasizing "what if you hurt someone else - what if you kill a child, etc." Since she is mentally fine, it made her think enough to give up driving . She realized her dizzy spells could happen in car and what outcome could be.
If they refuse about all you can do is get Dr. to substantiate their mental problems and get guardianship from court. If you are willing to go to this level.
As above - they don't know what they are doing. Someone needs to be the responsible adult and they don't seem capable.
Ditto about the dog - unless these is an in home caregiver - they can't be trusted to take care of it.
APS will evaluate the circumstances and consult with physicians and coordinate services needed. Prepare yourself that they may evaluate as "not ideal, but not life threatening" and say they will revisit in 3 months or whatever. Then you have to decide not to enable your parents by rescuing them with bill paying, getting groceries, managing meds, etc....hard to do but it is for their own good so they don't hurt themselves or burn the house down. APS can consult with drs as well to have them fully evaluated.
If parents refuse services or dismiss services, then all you can do is report back to case worker.
I once read, parents are entitled to make decisions, even bad ones....hard for us children to watch and accept.
As far as the car, fill out the form and report to DMV. List the dr on the form. I think it should be mandatory for all seniors to have a drs note and take a driving test every year to renew their liscence after 75. If the car is not renewed then report to police and have it impounded and explain your concern. Request that they not allow dad to take back car without new liscense and drivers test.
Lucycat - I agree. But this place approved them to start at Independent care and will ensure both of them take their medication twice a day. They have a nurse 24/7 and they will not have to move or downsize as their health/circumstances decline.