I am a PT. A year ago we found my neighbor lying in the snow with a fractured hip. He is 76. He had a replacement and was diagnosed with dementia after having a severe mental reaction to the general anaesthesia. Of course, being a PT, I was very active in his rehab and helping his wife generally cope with the new diagnosis. Some of us would stay with him an hour or two so she could go to the hairdresser or store. It is a year later. He has moderate dementia and is still driving which I find scary. The wife has returned to her job which entails one weekend every few months in another state. She prepares all his meals, has notes all over the house and leaves on these trips expecting we will "keep an eye" on him. We have a key and her phone number so we can "reach her". I have to tell her that I am very uncomfortable with this. We can see the house across the street, but that is it. I will not go into the house and check on him. She needs to get a carer or quit her job. He has had some falls and tries to work in the yard using tools and ladders. He hurt his back carrying a ladder. His dementia was diagnosed a year ago and I know he has deteriorated. My husband wants me to tell her that I will not participate in this with the exception of giving her a phone call if we see anything. She is 2 states away. This is madness. I have faced many families with the hard truth professionally, but feel lost dealing with this. I really feel like the bad guy here. The other neighbors think he is just fine, but I know better.
Also, why is the wife working 2 states away?
Tell her that you are not able to keep him safe, and it is time for her to hire a caregiver. She probably just doesn't know, and it may come as a shock to her to hear it. If she harbors any resentment toward you, that will be unfortunate, and hopefully short-lived. She needs someone to tell her that the husband needs more help. You are able to see it, having had first hand experience with others in a similar position. Hopefully your friend and neighbor recognizes your professional experience and benefits from your opinion.
Mods can remove my post if they wish.
If the wife is not agreeing with you, then you back out of this arrangement and return her key .
Hopefully , the wife listens and you are not forced to call APS.
I know it's a rather delicate topic, and I'd be a bit nervous myself broaching this subject, but somebody has to have enough cajones to do it. What if the poor man fell and injured himself inside the home while she was gone? You'd feel terrible if you'd said nothing before she left. At the very least, he needs a First Alert lanyard around his neck to call 911 in the event of an emergency. It needs to be connected to a service too.
I'm sorry you're in such a position. It galls me how much neighbors sometimes expect from one another. Best of luck to you.