My wife is in a nursing home. She has been there for 10 weeks. She has dementia and periodically she has sundowners. I would say 70 to 80% she is fine. Although she can't remember recent events. Other than that we have a good life together. (except for the periodically sundowning. I'm 86 years old. Very mobile and active. I could walk a 6 mile day. My wife is 80 years old. She can shower, dress, put on make-up and etc. We have been married for 63 years. We're very attached to each other. We have a few years of life left. I'd like to spend those few years together. We both miss each other very much. I think about her spending the rest of her life in a secured area and I to feel lock in when I'm in an empty home surrounded by 4 walls. I would like to bring her home and enjoy 70% of our remaining lives together. I know that her condition will get worse. But when that time comes a descion will be made. But in the meantime we'll both have somewhat of our lives back. She is very difficult when she is sundowning which is about 30% of our time together. And it is very rough. But I'm looking at a trade off. 70% versus 30%. What do you folks think and perhaps your advise..
You've already scoped out the future and know what probably will have to take place eventually, but you can plan for that and address it when it happens.
I'm wondering though what has prompted this reconsideration now, after she's been there 10 weeks? Is that you're re-evaluating, and think that you could have a better life with her home than when she's at a nursing facility?
I give you a lot of credit for considering that, as well as evaluating the future of both of you and recognizing that changes eventually will take place.
May you both have as pleasant, peaceful and enjoyable life as you can!
If your wife is living in a private room, may I suggest that you spend a couple full days with her to see what is her normal day, if the facility will allow that. It could be when you are visiting your wife, she will go into "show timing" where she is acting very normal. And when you leave, or when she is exhausted trying to keep it together, she will go back to what now is her new normal with dementia.
You could bring your wife home if you have hired professional caregivers who are very familiar with dementia. Such caregivers know exactly what to do and what to say when a patient goes off rails.
One other question is does she wander at night? Frequent waking? If she does, you will never get any rest for yourself. Please consider that.
My loved one did somewhat well in a rehab setting, but her condition took a nosedive once we brought her home. Now that she's in long term care in a nursing home, she's doing much better. Will I bring her home again now that she's somewhat better? No. She needs the controlled setting the facility provides in order for her to be "better." In the facility, she has consistency, predictability, and structure that she did not have at home. I did my best as a caregiver, but I could not give her what the nursing home provides each and every day. Of course, Mom is so used to it by now that she fails to see *everything* (even the little things..) which the staff does for her. She takes it for granted. We tried home health at one point, but she needs 24 hour care due to needing help with *everything* and 24 hour in-home care is not available in my area unless one is wealthy and can self-pay.
She is very concerned aboutme. Am I eating properly, getting my eyes examined and etc.
As to the puppy,, if she is up to dates with her shots you can probably take her in to visit your wife. We used to take our dog to see mom when she was in rehab,, and what a hit she was with everyone! It gave all the staff something to relate to mom about, and she would sit on Mom;s bed like a princess and love everyone.. maybe look into this, for her enjoyment and yours! we are looking into taking our new puppy in to see MIL in MC.. it may perk her up
But bring her home.
I agree on bringing her dog to see her until you decide. God bless you for sticking by her.
Mom also began in a lock-down floor until the staff got to know her and then I pushed to get her to an open floor where she can go out to the gardens and where there are more lively people to socialize with...not all with dementia. Although she does not remember names, she senses the energy of the other people and is 'repetitive sociable' with them and they in turn accept her.
One of the things I wish that I could have done earlier was take her to the facility at a much earlier time, as the later you move her, the more difficult the adjustment. That may be why they are suggesting that you only visit once a week.
AND that is ALL it is...a suggestion. No one can keep you away from your loved one. Period. You have the right to visit each day if you want. I now visit 2 times each week so that I give her time to be in the schedule of the place and go to activities. Yet, everyone is different. My Mom's neighbor in the facility as her husband come to share one meal with her each day...he brings his and they eat their meals together in that way.
Contemplate a compromise like that - if you are able to do that without much energy and travel on your part. You have to care for yourself as well so that you can be a spoke-person for your wife.
Many blessings to you.
Is it possible that the medications she is on are causing these outbursts or sundowning? I know Gabapentin had caused many people confusion issues and there could be other drugs causing problems. I would research all the meds and possible interactions first.
My dad is 90 and lives with me and I have promised I will never take him to a nursing home or hospice care because I've seen and heard too many horror stories.
I would bring her home and spend whatever time you have as a family.
I'm sorry you both are going through this.
If your wife is not too much work for you, bring her home. I will always treasure the last 3 years that Ray was still home with me.
Is there an independent or assisted living in this same facility. What about considering a continuum of care option where you would be close to her be able to assist with her care, and have others in the community that you could become friends with. You could then leave wife's care to the pros when needed.
I worked in an Assisted Living with a locked dementia ward that was set up with private rooms for patients, common living rooms for 8-10 patients, a kitchen where patients could cook with supervision, a larger activities room with scheduled events.
We had two couples there where one had dementia and the other was cognitively intact and physically 'healthy elderly'. They lived together, sharing a private room, spending time together there alone, and also walking the corridors together, sitting in the courtyard on nice days, attending activities together, etc. The healthy partner had a car and was able to leave the facility to see friends, go shopping, etc as desired. The partner with dementia had good support and supervision and was readily distracted by staff when the healthy partner was leaving.
It seemed a good solution for them. Might be for you.
If someone can keep the puppy for you and bring it for visits, that could be ideal.
Since your wife has shown physical aggression, there is a real risk she could push or hit you and cause a serious injury during that 30% of the time she is not herself. My father's wondering was limited to inside the house but it was during the night, so Mom didn't get a good night's sleep for a number of years. Sleep deprivation can become dangerous too as you're more likely to fall, leave the stove on, or have a heart attack or stroke.
If you choose to bring her home, you will need some help. We installed a security system in my parent's home so Mom would know if Dad ever did go outside during the night. The system's monitored smoke detectors and panic button helped us kids worry a little less and Mom actually used the panic button to summon help a couple of times. Can you afford someone to stay overnight at least a few nights a week so you can sleep without interruption? Someone on-call to help when your wife has a bad spell?
A better solution might be a better nursing home. There are a couple of facilities in our area that have apartments for couples when one or both needs nursing care but are still mobile and able to complete most daily living tasks. One couple I know took both beds in a nursing home room after the wife (who had been the care giver for her husband with mild vascular dementia) had a stroke. Another family friend spent the day (everyday) with her husband with Alzheimer's, arriving just before breakfast was served and staying until a couple of hours after dinner.
The transition out of the home and into skilled care is a difficult one for everyone involved. Given your wife's diagnosis, even if you bring her home now she will likely eventually need to return to nursing care. If you were my father I would fully support your desire to spend more time with mom but I would worry about you both if you brought her home without some good support available.
God bless you and comfort you. Know that people on this forum will be here to listen and offer support whatever your decision.
There aren't as many facilities like this as one might wish, but it's worth looking. I hope you will be able to find a way to stay close to your wife and take the best care of yourself, too. You need to stay well to look after her, no?
Call your son and tell him what you have told us. That you miss her and you need to see her more often. I think the once a week is a suggestion. At Moms facility a woman visited her husband everyday. She came after breakfast and stayed till dinner. She was there for activities and even joined in. I feel your wife is where she needs to be at this point of her Dementia. Its pretty much all down hill from here. It was exhausting for me at 65 to care for Mom I can't imagine doing it at 86.
Donero, I understand your heartbreak at being apart; but I also understand your kids' concerns about your safety and well-being.
There are good suggestions here about finding a place where the two of you can spend more time together, and I hope you can do that.
Those who suggest bringing her home are well-meaning, but you must understand that they don't know your personal situation as well as your close family and friends do. For that reason, I think you should give more weight to the direction they recommend. Perhaps those close to you or your local Council on Aging could help you find an assisted living facility or a different placement for her where you could spend most of your time together and even have the puppy.
Those who are in their 40's and 50's may think you still have the same energy not realizing as we age we lose a lot of that energy and strength. I noticed a huge difference from my 60's compared to my 70's.
Please note that close to 40% of family caregivers will pass away leaving their love one behind because of the constant stress of trying to do the job of 3 full-time caregivers each day. Then what? What if the nursing home didn't have a bed available?
Is your wife a fall risk? Does she use a cane or walker? If you both were at home and she fell, would you be able to pick her up? My own Dad couldn't when my Mom fell twice, and I couldn't pick her up, either, and she was a mere 90 lbs, it would be like picking up a 90 lb weight at the gym.
So much to think about and to consider. Let us know what you choose, and if you do bring your wife home, how did the family feel about that decision.
My own Dad moved into Assisted Living/Memory Care and he loved it there. He really enjoyed all the attention, and especially liked all the meals. I would occasionally ask him if he had anything he could change about the place and he would say no.
My Mom is home with advanced dementia. She qualified for hospice/palliative care because of the dementia. They are wonderful support, and will help as much as needed.
God bless you & your wife.
A tough decision indeed, let me tell you my story:
My wife began showing mild signs of dementia about six years ago at age of 77 years. Six years later at the age of 83 she was in the very latter stages. Could not dress herself, could not most of the time carry on a conversation, could not remember the past, and in short was definitely not the loving person I married sixty three years ago after going together for the four years of high school. I had taken over the jobs normally did by a housewife. I cooked, dressed her, did the laundry, cleaned house, grocery shopped and endured 32 hour days.
In Jan of this year she fell and broke a hip. After a new hip replacement, two weeks in rehab, she was moved to a private care facility. She did well for the first couple of weeks during rehab at the facility and adjusting. She still had many memory problems and did not know me most of the time. At the end of the first couple of weeks she began to go downhill in every respect. Could not follow rehab directions and stopped eating, talking and losing almost all aspects of memory.
She was admitted to the care facility on Feb 19th and died on Apr 3rd.
Life since then has been a living hell with all types of second guessing. Should I have brought her back home? Would she be better off in the facility where she could get professional care or what? Did I do every thing in my power to take care of her? Did I do the absolute correct thing? Yes a living hell on earth! I chose to leave her in the facility.
Would I do that again? I do not really know after all this time even tho I believe in my heart that my decisions were in her best interests and I made the best decision possible. If, as you say, you wife can still perform many of the every day functions, knowing what I know now, I would probably make the decision to bring her home. But! my wife was far beyond that point.
Second guessing is hell on earth and only you can make this difficult decision you are faced with.
In Your case I would vote a "definitely" yes.
Dementia, in my opinion, is one of the worst sickness that can befall one. For both people involved. At some point you will even begin to question God and at times express anger. I think this is normal.
My prayers and thoughts are definitely with you my friend,
Ren
Good luck and hope this was helpful! Milesaway
As I ponder the question of her returning home, I think about how and why she is there. It has been about 4 years since she was told by the doctor that she has Alsheimers. I have noticed the increase in memory loss, confusion and agitation resulting in out burst of anger, name calling, threats of bodily harm to me. I have seen in her restlessness, anxiety, wandering-especially in the late afternoon and at night, sometimes in early morning.
Three months ago, she started calling the police, saying I was a threat to her. She would wake up in the am [2,3,4,5] get up and turn all the lights on in the house, and then started accusing me of stealing her money, abusing her and she decided she could not stay in the house with me any longer. Later that same day, she could not remember her actions.
Although there were keyed dead-bolt locks on the doors, she went out of the window, to escape from me [she believed I was trying to hurt her]. To shorten the story, the APS [Adult Protected Services] got involved and I received a court order from a judge to provide a secure environment for my wife outside of our home for at least 20 days. It was somehow expected that things may improve during that time at the facility.
When, I visit her at the facility, she is pleasant . She does not appear to be angry with me or fearful. I am not a threat to her now. but, I tell myself, she has Alzheimer, and thing will get worse over time and not better. The environment at the facility may be a sort of "safety net". That could change if I bring her back home, going back to the way things were before entering the center. I would not get any rest, Sleep deprivation is bad for your health. I have been told that I need to stay healthy so that I can care for her, even from afar.
So, while I missed her [been married 52 years], retunring home to just me and her in the house may not be a good idea [two adult sons out of state]. While the facility is not perfect, I believe it can care for her better than I can by myself. Of course I do a lot of second-guessing. I think that is normal.
Before she entered the facility, I had arranged for expereinced people to set with her. She resented it. So, for now, she is stiil in the memory care unit. It breaks my heart everytime I visit and leave her there.
This a an awful condition that requres hard decisions to be made.
Well this is my story, and it continues.