Mother in-law has asked if she can move in with my family next year. She is early 70’s and has had to scale back her part time job. She has declining health, loneliness, and can no longer pay all her bills.
My husband and her have always had a toxic and strained relationship but he feels obligated to take her in because “that’s what his family does.”
We really don’t have room for her here and I refuse to uproot one of my children so she can take their room. She has two small dogs she refuses to give up even though we have a dog that is not friendly with others. He’ll kill hers if he gets a hold of it. My children fear that it’s going to add constant tension because of the bickering between my husband and her. They’ve both said they’ll leave if she comes here to live. He has told them their opinion doesn’t matter.
I have asked that we all sit down to discuss her finances and options to come up with a plan but it has turned into “I don’t like her and don’t want here here.” My husband doesn’t want to talk about the situation at all.
Last week she told a friend I didn’t want her here even though I’ve never said that. Her friend contacted my husband regarding to let him know this. My husband had too much to drink last weekend after the whole situation blew up. He told kids and I we betrayed him and I was an evil, cold hearted person. He said he felt because she is his mom that he owes her care and if he had to choose her or us it would be her and he would move in with her to take care of her. The next day he said he doesn’t remember it. Of course I don’t believe him. One week later and he still won’t iscuss anything. I just wanted to better understand her situation and how best to help her. I don’t think moving in with us is realistic and it would destroy him and our family.
I feel like I can’t win here. I’m struggling to figure out a way to get them to realize this isn’t an option and to explore other living situations is best. Should I just totally step back and let him deal with it all?
MIL has options. She may not like them but she has them. If she owns her own home and can no longer pay the bills, then sell it. There is Senior apts that charge rent on scale. If she brings in 1000 a month than she pays 30% of that for rent. Heat is included but she pays for electric and cable. If she is low income, she maybe able to get Medicaid for her health insurance supplimental. In my State u get health, prescriptions, dental and vision. Medicaid may pay for her part B premium. There are food stamps. Busing thru Office of the Aging.
Call your County Office of Aging to see what resources they have available. Since DH is unwilling to deal with this, you need to. There is no way this will work if DH and Mom already have a shaky relationship. You also don't have the space for her or her animals.
Tell hubby to be sure and kiss the kids goodbye when he leaves to go live with his manipulative mommy.
Why on Earth are you even considering putting up with/trying to solve this? You shouldn't just "step back", but rather take a quantum leap away from this, and let him reap what he sows. Stand your ground about not allowing her to move in, and let your husband deal with it, by himself. Since he doesn't seem to think that you're an equal partner in this relationship, let him handle it.
He really DOESN'T. He feels obligated and guilty and doesn't know what his options really are and he's trying to force you to "make it easy for him" by giving in and doing what sounds best. But the reality is that it doesn't sound best at all
It sounds easy and quick on paper to him. But in the long run it sounds painful and like he will probably mysteriously disappear and leave you with most of the work. So slam the door and send him there to see what it would really be like!!
Healthy families do not drink excessively and then play the blame game. Your message makes it crystal clear to anyone reading it that you DON’T want your MIL to move in (hey - I’m not judging - I’m living with mine and it’s no picnic) so I severely doubt you’ve kept your opinions so close to your chest that no one in your family has figured out that this isn’t something you’re keen on.
Therapy. I’m thinking your marriage has other issues that need to be addressed if you want to stay afloat through this.
Say you want to talk through all the issues from the beginning. Refuse to talk about 'moving in' until you have both discussed everything else in detail.
Something is badly wrong with MIL’s finances. Is her house too big for her to pay its bills? Is her house run down and needs expensive repairs she can’t afford? Is she bad at managing money and has no savings? Does she realise that she will have costs (or a share of them) wherever she is? What other ways are there to solve her finance issues besides moving in with you? There may be several, starting with selling the house and her renting a small apartment.
As your husband is refusing to talk to you about things, the option you have is to talk to MIL yourself. Go and find out just what the finance mess is all about. If she has recently been working, what is her ‘declining health’ all about? What actual care does she think she needs? If she has given up work, she quite possibly is lonely – what has she thought about to build a new set of interests and ways to occupy her time?
All these questions are important, and moving in with you is not the first option to consider. If she has jumped to this conclusion as a one-hit-wonder way to solve all her problems, ask her to put that to one side temporarily and have a long talk about her whole situation.
If you talk sympathetically about her, her life and her bigger issues, she may be more receptive, even glad. You say that she and your husband don’t get along, and he may have jumped to the same conclusion without giving both of them a chance to start from the beginning. Although it may seem unlikely, MIL might benefit from talking to a therapist. A third party won’t get bogged down in the assumption that her whole problem is needing to move in with you.
Good luck. Yes you can eventually move to ultimatums about DH moving out, but beginning by talking about MIL's concerns for herself and her son might be a more constructive way to start.
Or he can go for a while to live with mom and see how it goes.
Bringing her to your home isn't going to be good for your marriage or the children.
Maybe, say to him, I understand you feel obligated to your parents, but do you really want her in your space whenever you are home.
If he brings her in and things get bad, you and kids leave.
So sorry about this, I wish you love and peace for you and your family
His mom can't pay her bills. Why? What she needs is financial counseling to help her solve her money problem and stay within her budget. It's wrong for your husband to think he can be her ATM.
His mom is lonely. Why? She has no friends? No hobbies, no social clubs, nothing to keep busy? Is so, she needs to find those things and get involved and make friends. It's wrong for your husband to think he can be her sole source of entertainment and companionship.
Do not let her move in. You will live to regret it. And it will take an act of congress to move her out.