My MIL moved in about a month ago. While things could easily be worse, I find myself irritable and annoyed majority of the time. I work from home and have no dedicated office space, so the dining room table is it. My MIL sits at the dining table for hours and has distracting ticks, which inhibits my ability to concentrate. She has a tv in her room, but seems insistent on being in the main space all of the time. She prefers to watch the living room tv - the only one in the house besides hers- but we have to limit it because she blasts it quite loud due to poor hearing. Part of me feels the need to claim my own space in my own house, rather than succumb to being stuck in MY room (no tv!) all day. She’s really not doing anything wrong at the end of the day, but I’m stuck in the house all day since she needs constant supervision, and I just want her to go away sometimes and not CONSTANTLY be hovering in my space. Any advice to make this situation work better for both of us?
As with any "roommate" situation there are ground rules that need to be established. (this actually should have been done a Month and a half ago. )
You do not give an indication in your post as to why MIL moved in to begin with.
If MIL has dementia then no ground rules are going to help. She is not going to retain any instruction for long.
If she has dementia she should get enrolled/involved with an Adult Day program that would get her out of the house for the day. This way you can work without distraction.
If there are no programs in your area then a caregiver should be hired (MIL pays for the caregiver) and the caregiver keeps MIL occupied for the day while you are working. As a matter of fact it would be good to take your computer and go to the library or other location where you can work in peace.
The caregiver in addition to keeping MIL occupied can do her laundry and light cleaning.
If she is not watching tv in her room remove the tv and place it in your room so that you can watch tv. (If the tv is yours)
I do hope you are getting payment from MIL, she should be paying her fair share of ALL household expenses.
If MIL is of sound mind and she does not abide by the house rules then you begin to look for a place for her. Either Independent or Assisted.
Since you say she needs constant supervision I am guessing that she does have dementia and you need to have a talk with your husband about how you are going to manage when she needs full time care. You certainly are not going to be able to do that and work.
I also hope that your husband is doing the majority of caregiving if she does need assistance.
You don’t mention your husband, but you need to discuss with him that this can’t go on. If he refuses to consider other options, such as a care home where she’d have entertainment, friends and outings, tell him that’s fine but he’s going to have to find a job where he can work at home and take care of his mom. He will most likely refuse, and then you decide what YOU will do to put a stop to a plan that neither of you went into knowing what you were getting into.
You need to get your husband on board to understand that the main level is your workspace during work hours. Your MIL would not be hovering around an office all day; therefore she can't hover around on the main floor all day either.
But, that seems to defeat the purpose of "constant supervision." Why does she need that? Since you can't supervise all day while working, she needs to go to an adult day center, have a hired caregiver who will keep her out of your workspace, or she needs to move to assisted living or memory care. Or, your husband comes home to work and supervise her, and you go to an office.
Think of what you and your husband would have done about her if you worked full-time in an office instead of from home. Do that.
Did you voluntarily choose to have her move in, or did your husband and/or his siblings push it on you? It's very kind of you to do it, but it isn't working, and it's only going to get harder as she declines, and you feel more and more out of place in the home that should be your haven.
If you work out of your dining room, she cannot be in there. That is non-negotiable. She has to watch tv in her room during the day because you have to have things quiet so you can work. Working from home is the same as working from an office. It's still work and the same rules still apply. This too must be non-negotiable. If she 'prefers' the tv in the living room, she can get her own place and watch tv in her own living room.
She should also be going to the local senior center, adult day care, or have a paid companion taking her out of the house during your work hours. Having her on top of you 24/7 is not sustainable. Anyone would lose it, especially if you're trying to work at the same time. I had a similar situation with my in-laws a few months ago. I work from home some of the time. I'm not sure if it's for me. Anyway, my in-laws had friends from out-of-town visiting them and they decided to 'pop over' without calling first and asking. They wanted to show them the house. I did not let them in. I was on the phone with clients and working. Work is work and even if it's done from home people need to respect it.
Your MIL hasn't been living with you for too long, so you can still lay down the law in your own house before she gets too comfortable and set in her ways. Do it before it's too late.
Rule #1 is she is absolutely needs to get hearing aids, pay for them herself and agree to put them in first thing in the morning and take them out last thing at night.
I live next door to my Mom (now 96). When it became *very* obvious that her hearing was getting really bad -- and she was in absolute denial of it -- I told her that in no way was I going to be her care giver or manager if I had to YELL everything at her. I would never take her out in public because I didn't want to have to repeat or YELL conversation at her. And, because she couldn't hear, she kept insinutating that I "never told [her] that" -- because she didn't actually hear me say it. She was even insinuating that it was *my* hearing that was bad. Then I told her if she's so confident that her hearing was perfect then she can prove it by going to the audiologist. She eventually did (but not before being a total pain-in-the-butt about it). Then she refused to buy them from the audiologist because she was convinced he was getting a "cut" from it (he worked in a very large clinic system).
It was exhausting. But she eventually bought hearing aids at Costco. When I walk into her house every morning I look at her and point to my ears and ask if she has her hearing aids in. If she says no I do not even attempt a conversation with her. She resents them, but it's a condition I won't negotiate on. I'm so glad I went through helping her get something that works in her own best interests, and mine.
The loud tv: my MIL blasted it. Now my Mom blasts it and it's insufferable. It would make me lose my mind. In YOUR house, you get to live in it comfortably. You're doing her the favor. You don't accommodate her, she accommodates you. I'm assuming there's a husband or spouse in this situation. It's their parent. They are the one who needs to get MIL to be accommodating. Either that or she pays to spend the day out at a club or adult day care program.
I believe there are multiple studies that show how hearing loss contributes to the advancement of dementia. I think the isolation is causes adds to a senior's depression.
Rule #2 is that she makes your spouse her DPoA for both financial and medical.
These 2 rules should be non-negotiable.
PS. We had a very similar thread to use just a couple of days ago.
Check out the threads in the last week. Another person wrote in with the same issue as yours.
She does have dementia but not severe. She was in assisted living before but wanted to be closer to family and we all agreed to give this a try. She was unhappy there and seems to be slightly less unhappy here, but she doesn't want to shower, change clothes, refuses to use the bathroom regularly, etc. Our house is small so it's not like we have a whole wing for her, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to spend some amount of time in her room while I'm working, especially since all she does is read the newspaper and/or a book now that we told her she can't watch tv in here during my workday. I just don't get it. The only way to get away from her is to force myself to hide in MY room all day, which I don't think I should have to do in my house.
Is she on any meds for depression? If not, it's time for a discussion with her primary doctor. It is really important that she has a PoA... does she? If not, it's not too late for her to get this done. The certified elder law attorney will privately interview her to gage her capacity to understand what she's doing. The bar is low.
Yes, she should be confined to her room if this was one of the conditions of her moving in. The OP works from home. MIL can be in the living room blasting the tv all day. So if she wants tv during the dayy, it's going to be in her room or no tv. Daycare can be an option.
When the refusing to shower, change clothes, or toilet regularly as needed start up, that's when it needs to be all bets are off. She gets moved out. No one has to live with a gross person stinking up their house, disrupting their workday, and making a mess.
Move her back into assisted living, nearby, or memory care. Choose a facility that has both so she can just change to the memory care floor or wing when she needs it (she might already). She'll be near family but she'll also have social interaction, activities, and staff trained to get her to bathe, change clothes, and deal appropriately with her incontinence issues. If she chooses not to engage and enjoy all that's offered there, that's on her (talk with her doctor about antidepressants).
Bottom line, she isn't enjoying the current setup any more than you are, so stop trying to make something unworkable work. It's going to cause you marital problems if you keep going like this. You deserve peace, quiet, respect, and enjoyment in your home and life that you're working to pay for.
Head phones for the tv watcher or for you. A timer on the tv in living room that turns it off when you want it off without you giving to have a conversation about it. Costco has had nice TVs for $100. For $30 you can get an antenna that goes on the wall and picks up really well. Look on Amazon.
A card table set up in the living room with a puzzle might get her to leave your space.
The adult day care is an excellent idea. I think she get help with baths there.
Create some boundaries. Know that with dementia the best care plan needs updating on a regular basis.
If she had Originsl Medicare adk her doctor to order her home health care which will come weekly to give her a basic medical check and set up her pill planner and order her an aide for baths.
‘Consider smaller furniture if needed to make the space you do have more functional. Get out if the house for exercise, a massage, a movie. What you are doing is not sustainable.
Your family life is not just about MIL, it us about all three of you. All of you have to be getting basic needs met
Look up The Pomodoro Technique and see if it appeals.
You are allowing all of this simply to happen. No one is sitting down with MIL and a good glass of wine and saying.
1. We need to see an elder law attorney and work on a shared living costs contract and a contract of rules of the household. (important, as "rental" is taxed and "shared living expenses " for food, cleaning, mortgage, upkeep is NOT).
2. We need to come to solid agreements on the time I need ALONE in my own space to do my work; I work from home. This isn't optional. You will be watching the TV in your own room. We will have family time at meals and outings (or whenever you choose).
This is your choice and up to you, and in your own control in your own home. If you take the cowards way out then you have moved from someone attempting to allow your MIL to move in and stay DURING THAT TIME WHEN IT IS SUSTAINABLE AND WORKING FOR EVERYONE --moving TO being someone who gave up your own home and your own life.
Speak first with your husband. Mediate the rules with him FIRST. The you sit with MIL and HE takes the lead (as the son of his mother and co-head of his household).
Good luck. Remember, whatever way you choose, this is your own choice; it is in your own hands; it is your own responsibility.
Not too late, but it soon will be. For now you can say "It was wrong of us not to make clear the rules". You can also inform her that when the rules are no longer something she's capable of keeping to, you won't be able to have her in YOUR HOME.
I also fail to see how you can be expected to work from home and keep an eye on her. It is either one or the other.
Take the TV out of the living room and put it in your bedroom. Explain to her the TV in her room is for her and this one is for you. What is it with seniors who insist on commandeering the main tv of the house??
Tell her that since you work from home and don't have a closed off area she can't be in the dining room or living room during work hours. Three strikes and she needs to go back to AL.
I find it curious that you don't want to sequester yourself to your own room because there is no tv. I thought you wanted to get away from the noisy tv so you can work. Going to your quiet room to work will accomplish that.
It sounds like your MIL is seeking company. She would rather be near you at the dining table than by herself in her room. Why don't you look for an adult day care or senior center near you and get her out of the house a couple days a week where she can socialize with others her age? Some offer transportation to and from.
You can have a talk with your MIL about your need for time alone to do work at the dining table during certain hours. Clearly define your boundaries. But, keep in mind, this is now her home, too. She deserves to have her own boundaries and needs met. You two will have to find a suitable compromise. This cannot go on as you have described. It is unsustainable and you will end up very angry and frustrated.
You say she needs constant supervision. But, if you are busy with something else, YOU do not need to be the one supervising, in fact, it sounds like you are unable to meet this requirement. Can you hire someone to keep her company, keep her occupied, take care of her as needed for a few hours a day?
Is your MIL capable of doing small easy household chores? Say, sweeping a room, sorting clean silverware out of the dishwasher and putting it away, sorting clean socks out of the dryer, folding kitchen towels and bath hand towels? Find something that she can do to keep her busy and give her a purpose, make her feel useful, and it might even help you out a little.
Show her how to do things on the computer - a solitary game or scrolling through an interesting website, or even putting together a shopping list online, where you can review and modify the cart before completing the order.
This is not working in your home . MIL has dementia and is uncooperative with hygeine and bathroom use etc . This will only get worse . She is only capable of thinking about what she wants . She is not going to listen to her family . She wants to live with you rather than assisted living because she wants to rule and be in charge .
YOU need to set boundaries and 'rules' -
You do need to claim your own space in your own home.
This discussion should have happened before she moved in although often we don't know how things will go until we are in it - as you are now. And, perhaps she doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand (I don't know).
Since she needs constant supervision, hire a caregiver.
This should not be your 'full time" job when you have a job. Or even if you don't have a full time job. You cannot do this 24/7.
If course you want to bail or go out / away some times. Who wouldn't?
Take control of the situation.
Write down a 'plan' and discuss with her.
Hire needed helpers (don't ask her, just do it) - get her redirected / out of the house with a caregiver.
Consider this a try out phase to see if it works.
It may not. Consider her / your other options.
You can (YOU MUST realize) feel you deserve to feel whole and comfortable in your own home.
You took a lot on and perhaps didn't really know what you were getting into until you were smack in it. It's okay. If you need to make other arrangements for her, do it.
No, she isn't doing anything wrong. The issue is 'she isn't doing anything' but being around you (from what I read) wherein it interrupts your day / work.
Tell her the room is 'off limits' from ___ am to ___ pm (???) - if she has the cognitive ability to understand. If not, you need to do what is necessary to make this workable - for you - for her. If she has dementia, she needs supervision (as you say). This should not be you 24/7. You will burn out and feel more resentful and frustrated, and exhausted by the day.
You are not stuck in the house all day unless you set up the dynamics that way, which you have. You need to take control of the situation. Set boundaries - no matter how hard it may feel / be. She needs boundaries and direction.
Call your local dementia association to learn more about the condition and ask for support on how to manage the situation 'better.' Get all the support you can. And, hopefully, there are funds available for her to go into a nursing home or facility if needed. If not, find out what is available for low income.
Do not allow this scenario to take over your life - any longer.
Gena / Touch Matters
Gena / Touch
Act now to find a couple options.
You are not the bad guy.
I found that with my MIL living with us that when we could afford caregivers it was even more intrusive of my space and I hated being in my own home. Plus some of them did not respect my decisions about my home.
My MIL moved in 5 years ago. It was supposed to be only during Covid. Now, her house has been sold, her daughter is incapacitated and we are her only family that will care for her. It has not been easy and definately not the way my husband and I saw our lives moving in this direction as her daughter, husband and their 4 children lived rent free in her home for 30+ years.
My MIL's hospital bed is in in our dining room and most of the furniture has been moved to various other parts of the house. I resent that we have not had a Christmas tree since she moved in.
As for the TV, I wait for a commercial and change the channel
to what I want to watch in the evening as she can't remember what she was watching. I use headphones when I don't want to hear her shows during the day.
She cannot afford to move to assisted living full time but we do use her pension and social security income to pay for respite so we can go on vacation and spend time with my family. We found one that has a 1 week minimum. There is no easy answer and as other's have said, it will only get more difficult.