Hi forum friends! You have been so helpful on prior occasions, that I turn to you for advice again.
My MIL moved about 1.5 years ago to be closer to us. She loves her new city and her new routine. Although she still continues to have sporadic worrisome cognitive episodes, all seems stable.
Two days ago, she found out that the vacant lot that her condo windows overlook will be developed. She is concerned that she will lose the ample sunlight that streams through her windows, and she has decided that she wants to sell her condo and move--at 77.
Although MIL is in great physical shape for her age, moves are still hard. And she is facing two moves, since her plan is to sell her unit, move into a rental while she searches for a new condo, and move again when she finds a new place to buy. She also appears to only be giving cursory thought to all the cons--and pros--that this big move would entail.
MIL is also saying she wants her daughter and me to help her decide what to do. I feel we are bringing too many biases to the decision: my wife always wants to please her mother's latest whim, and I don't want my 77-year-old MIL and 54-year-old, cancer-survivor wife to use their energy up on two moves. (Even when movers are involved, moves are draining.) I told my wife I would like a neutral third party--who would be unaffected emotionally, financially, or physically by the move--to help MIL think through the move carefully.
Can you suggest any ideas for whom we could turn to who could help my MIL think through and make this big decision?
So you just tell her that she's welcome to do as she pleases, but that she'll have to do all the hiring for her moves on her own as it won't be family who is helping her as it's now just too much for you all, and you can't risk your wife's health over the stress of it all.
I think as long as you all are on the same page of setting boundaries here, your MIL can do as she pleases. Just make sure that she understands completely that you/your wife won't be helping her.
If she has her wits about her and the funds to handle the move there really is nothing you can do. Her life, her choices, good or bad.
Let her hire some helpers, that is what I would do. Today's 77 is not what it was 50 years ago, my mother is 99, in 2 months she will be 100, she lives in AL and still has her marbles all in one bag, she lived alone in the mountains of NC until she was 94.
If you and your wife are on the same page to not encourage or help your MIL then just be honest and tell her.
Good Luck!
You can tell her you'll be more than happy to help her with these moves IF the new building goes up and blocks her sunlight. Until then, however, you'll do nothing to enable these moves, so good luck and let y'all know how how it turns out. Seriously. In a couple of years, her probable dementia will have advanced to the point she'll require a lot more care and to sell her condo for managed care.
Good luck.
Before anything is decided, you'd better make sure that MIL's cognitive problems are assessed. If they aren't, you'll all be highly regretful and in the middle of another crisis one or two years from now.
The exception might be if MIL moves to a continuum of care facility with independent living homes that can be stepped up to assisted living and then memory care on the same campus when it's necessary. Look up The Manor in Florence, SC. My friends loved it. That's the kind of place I'm describing.
The other obvious concern is your wife being a cancer survivor. Stress is the worst thing on earth for her. MIL sounds pretty selfish to me, to even consider her daughter to be involved with her health issue.
It exhausted me just typing it. MIL could be fantasizing this as some exciting project? It's extreme physical work, very expensive, and borderline ridiculous IMO.
You may need to put your foot down in this one.
PS: I worked in development 30 years. It takes literally 5-7 years to get approvals and construction loans, then hire a builder. It won't happen overnight.
But to placate mom about her move....Try this conversation.
"Mom, I know you are concerned about the new building going up but it is going to take a while for it to be built. It can be difficult to sell real estate right around the holidays. So why don't we wait until spring to put the condo on the market. We can use that time to look for a place that you will like better."
(You might even want to check out what type of building it will be, how tall and will it actually block her natural light)
In looking maybe also look at Independent Living facilities that also have Assisted Living and Memory Care as well (just in case those "sporadic cognitive issues" are actually something to worry about. )
There are companies that will help a person downsize, pack up things and move them. (that kind of help does come at a cost the questions is...is it worth it)
Does your MIL have an assigned PoA? If so, is it either your wife or SIL or both? They need to read the PoA document to see what activates the authority because if it is dementia then *at some point* in the near future they will need to step into the role -- and whether their Mom likes it or not. The person with the impairment doesn't get to drive your bus.
If MIL hasn't assigned anyone, I would make this a priority to encourage her to do this. Your wife needs to keep your relationship/marriage a priority. This means if you have good reason to not apease MIL in this plan, she should support you in it. If she doesn't then she is choosing her Mom over you.
Don't have a discussion with MIL unless and until you and your wife are on the same page. You can work out the cost of such a move (including MIL hiring packers and movers) to show MIL how uselessly expensive it will be (is she wealthy? If not, she shouldn't even be thinking about this strategy). You can reference other condos for sale in the building to see if they're even selling; the cost of renting (which is quite high!). You can make the case to wait until the building is actually there before she spends time and energy on it. Sometimes, people who don't have enough going on in their daily lives fixate on small things. Maybe your wife and SIL can get her involved in a hobby or non-profit volunteerism, or a part-time job.
You will need to make it clear to your wife that you are not at all interested in helping her with her plan. Especially a 2-point move, which is totally a waste of time and money. Your wife needs to internalize a potential fact that once her Mom moves (if she does) it may not make her happy in some way and she might want to do it again. Please have her read some of the posts on this forum by adult children dealing with parents who are ping-ponging between homes and AL and other residences.
There are many medical conditions that can create dementia-like symptoms. Your wife and SIL should offer to accompany their Mom to her free annual Medicare wellness exam. They can discretely hand the staff a pre-written note (or put the note in her clinic portal) describing the worrisome episodes and to test her cognition and memory. The Mom should make one or both of them her MR (Medical Representative, which is a HIPAA form she fills out at the doctor's office). This allows her doc and staff to legally disclose the Mom's private medical info to whosever's name she writes on the form. If she has memory problems, this will be important to do.
I wish you success in creating a healthy boundary with your MIL. Come back and give us an update if you're able. We learn a lot when we are given the after story.
Also, aren't there possible tax consequences for selling a primary residence less than two years after purchase? You could look into that and maybe use it (legitimately) to hold her off for a while.
My first question to her is who told her this information about the vacant lot? Is the info reliable? What is the starting date for development? Has she seen the blueprints/artist drawing of the new building?
Has she even explored the cost of rentals? Oh my gosh, they are outrageously priced now a days. With a rental your Mom-in-law is at the mercy of the landlord, who may decide not to renew her lease (if she hadn't found a new condo), as the landlord wants to sell.... or your Mom-in-law may find the perfect condo but the landlord won't let her out of the lease (would she be able to pay for both places?). Another reason to stay put in her current condo.
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