Due to her age and forgetfulness and her weakness they are afraid of another fall. She is leaving against their advice. So why does everyone on this forum recommend getting your parent to the hospital and then refusing to take her into your care. Then, they say, the hospital or rehab will put her into AL. I just want everyone to know that they can’t do this. Administrators at the facility first turned to me and asked if I was taking her. When I said no they said to me, “ She is a competent adult and can make her own decisions. Even if they are bad decisions”. And now she is home. So please stop advising people that this is an option. Granted, most others would give in and accept their situation. My mother is an outlier. She will never give in. So what can family members do? She wants to live with us but that is not possible. She refuses to accept it and so is using her frailty to try to manipulate us into taking her in. My brother is significantly older than me and I have a disabled husband. Also she has money but will not use it to get any help whatsoever. Not even hourly assistance in her home. She holds us hostage with constant crisis arising. At 67 we are hoping to get some semblance of rest before we die. But alas, the cycle now begins again. Any thoughts?
You just said no. You did not say it’s unsafe. You DO NOT take her home. Like leave right then if you have to and tell them you are not picking her up because it’s unsafe.
So now you know what to do next time.
But if your mother is leaving AMA that is likely an entirely different animal.
You are choosing to be held hostage by her. You do have other choices and control over your fate.
Back off, stop saying how high when she says to jump. Let her drive her own bus into the wall.
Because you keep propping her up and running to her aid, she thinks she is independent and capable.
You have to let her feel how much she is not capable and independent.
Turn your phone off or put on do not disturb so that you get 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep.
Take back control of your life. You are NOT doing her any favors by being at her beck and call.
You DO have to back off to protect your own health and stress levels. My friend’s cousin was taking care of her parents and she ended up dropping dead of a heart attack. Her parents ended up in a nursing home anyway.
You all have to start playing hardball. DO NOT take her home in your car.
I 100% back you up. My concern is for you.
Maintaining boundaries is so very very hard when the person the boundary is for is constantly looking to engage with you by violating the boundary. I have a severely unmedicated mentally ill sibling.
The only compromise is to let her continue to live / die at home. Possibly from a fall. If she would prefer that to assisted living ….you are letting her have a choice.
Even though you think it’s the wrong choice. You are honoring her wishes to the extent that you can.
In alanon, there’s a saying called “detach with love.” It applies here, too.
All those inquiring should be told that Mom was judged to be of sound mind and doesn’t want your help with securing an aide or moving into Al, and you can’t yourself be that aide.
I will add, if they continue to be persistent, you can inform them THEY are welcome to have her move in with THEM and for them to become responsible for her care.
You are also correct that these days it is more difficult to get someone placed by going that route . I’ve seen a difference myself the last 10 years when comparing LO’s in my family . That being said , it never hurts to try “ unsafe discharge “. The bar is low for competence . Doctors , social workers , etc . are afraid of impeding on the rights of the elderly . There seems to be no rights for the families or caregivers.
My advice is accept what your Mom is choosing . We had to do that earlier this year with my MIL. They let her go home again which resulted in another fall which was the beginning of the end . She probably only had a couple of more months left anyway due to advanced Leukemia .
Your Mom is 98 , she had a longer run than most . You can not be manipulated unless you allow it . Stop the cycle .
Stop helping her . She will have to fend for herself . This Forum is full of stories of outliers .
The other options are to call APS , or Mom’s local Agency of Aging . It does not hurt to try other professionals to talk Mom to try to get her to at least allow hired help to come in the home .
You tell Mom that you can’t run anymore. She will have to call 911, she will have to hire help , and get food delivered on her own. A very wise social worker told me “ Stop helping , let her fail , it’s the only way to show them they can not live independently at home “.
Good Luck .
Don't hold your breath... There is a 107 year old woman in my mom's retirement community.
Drop the rope. Let calls go to voice mail.
If you get comments from others ignore them.
Plan a vacation for you and your spouse.
We have a lot of seniors well over 100 in Florida.
There was also something extremely cathartic about sitting on our private deck watching the waves, seeing nothing for miles. The ship was a bit busy and stressful, but I highly, highly recommend this.
".. using her frailty to try to manipulate us.." Oh Dear. But I believe it OH Yes!
Strong physically & strong in personality too.
I'll say copy her lead - Stay strong on your boundaries.
It is great that you know the boundry of your care giving with your mother. Stick to your guns!!! I know it doesn't make it any more easy for you in the short term. If the hospital is allowing the discharge even AMA then so be it. Unfortuneately the outcome will be either die from a fall in the house or end up right back into the ER.
So, the choice is hers with the option to move to an assisted living facility that will help take care of her medical and DLA.
Does your mother have a POA? If not then if she is not allowed to be discharged and needs to go into a SNF or Nursing Home then she will become a ward of the state. Give her those fact. Chances are she will blame others but calmly inform her that she is an adult and can make a choice but you are not there for a prop up to all her needs.
Stubborness is terrible but you can't change her now. Good luck with your mother and this difficult period of Eldercare.
What we suggest to families who have stubborn seniors who have been adjudged competent is to STOP ENABLING their poor choices.
While the senior is in care and it's recommended they not go home because it represents a danger family should explain that they will not enable a poor decision to go home. They will not visit; they will not arrange care; they will not partake in care; they will not take to appointments, shopping, and etc.
In other words "If you choose to be on your own, fine. Be on your own".
Those of us who are competent are free to make our decisions. They may result in an earlier death. And that's perhaps fine with us, as few would have a lot of stomach for prolonging a life lived in a manner unacceptable to us.
What has been recommended by many people here (myself included) who cannot care for a mentally ill or senior family member with dementia, is to bring them to an ER and ask for a 'Social Admit'. This is where the caregiver (usually it's one person 24/7/365) cannot manage the caregiving anymore and all other attempts at getting help have failed. The 'Social Admit' is the last resort, not the first response.
How our system is set up is that many people needing caregivers at home cannot afford to have them. Or they don't qualify for government assistance to pay for them, yet still can't afford it. So it falls on family if they have family. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and have seen what caring for a senior with dementia or a mentally ill person in your home can do to a person and a family even when they have hired help. I've seen family caregivers who were one snide comment more from their senior, one complaint, one loaded adult diaper, one moment of stubbornness, one repeating dementia loop away from causing a tragedy or becoming one themselves. Now think about the ones in the same situation who have no help coming in.
No one is perfect or has unlimited patience and people reach their limit in these caregiving situations. So if a person brings the needy elder to a hospital ER for a 'Social Admit' to prevent a tragedy from happening, none should judge them for that.
As for your mother and her stubborn unwillingness to go into assisted living where she needs to go to stay safe, please tell her what I have told countless elders who did the same thing she's doing.
~Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.~
No truer words were ever spoken. So level with her that here's what happens. She goes to AL where she can have some control over her own life or she stays home and will be completely on her own. Let her know that she will have no support or assistance from you in any way. she is holding you hostage because you allow her to by being willing players in her games.
Tell her plainly you will not play her guilt and manipulation games. She will not be living with you for any reason. So if she chooses to remain in her home without hired help and refuses to go to AL where she'll be safe, then she is on her own. Then stick to that.
If she calls and leaves you hysterical messages, you will simply delete them and get about your day. She will have to handle her own crises by calling an ambulance or the police herself because you will completely ignore her. That if she choosed to remain alone in her home, then she will be alone. Then let her know that if she goes into AL that you will help her, visit her often, and take her out. The choice is hers. Sometimes adult children have to play a manipulation game of their own with an elderly parent who needs care.
I would not call in APS to take over her care but to help her to find resources to make her life better. My friend was competent but could not care for herself. She went to rehab for a broken femur and ended up in Longterm care. It was found she also had stomach cancer. She was wheelchair bound with diabetes and heart problems. Living in an apt with no one to care for her and no money to hire care. The State made the decision that it was unsafe for her to return home.
When APS is called, the person calling them does not get to pick and choose what they want them to do or how. They have their own rules and protocols on how they handle situations.
DId your friend agree to be placed by the state? Was it determined that she was incompetent to make decisions so the State decided for her? It's one or the other. If an adult is of sound mind the State can't just decide that they're going into a nursing home for their own good and against their wishes. They either agree to it, or they're declared incompetent and are placed against their will.
If the hospital calls the mother an Uber or a cab is the driver responsible for her care because he gave her a ride home?
No. They would not be. The neighbor would not be either.
I had neighbors who used to send their elder across the street for my then MIL to babysit all day when they went to work. My MIL didn't know what to do with her and did not agree to do this. My in-laws took a vacation back to Poland and the neighbor thought I'd babysit the mother all day. I told her no that I would not watch her but she sent her over anyway. I put the woman in my car and drove her to the police station, gave the cops her daughter's contact information, and left. I was not held responsible for her.