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My 96 year old mother had been driving yet at 92, but got seriously lost out in the country one time. She’s lived in this small Iowa town since birth. My sister, my niece, and I talked about her safety in driving and wondered if she should think about AL. In a few months she agreed, so we toured the 2 available with her. She decided on one & 2 months later, moved in. She hated it because they put gravy on everything & all the people at morning coffee touch every donut before picking one. We tried visiting frequently; my niece does daily since she lives in the same town. If not visiting, we call daily. After a year, Mom started falling and the facility got her a walker. She refused to use it. I’m a retired RN after 41 years working with geriatrics. I retired at 70. I never had a patient like Mom! A year ago, Mom called me crying saying one of the men at the facility sexually assaulted her. No staff members were around. Found out Iowa law allows sex offenders to reside with frail elderly in AL facilities! This guy is about 50 years old & lives on the same floor, with another one one floor up who roams the entire building. I drove 3 1/2 hours to see what was going on. Mom told me the man put his hand down the front of her underwear & fondled her. She was frantic! We all met with the director. She said Mom exaggerates sometimes so it probably didn’t happen. I said so you tend to blame the victim? I said I was a mandatory reporter and maybe we needed to get a complaint started. I let her talk me into a plan of care where a staff member would eyeball him every hour. We told Mom the plan & also told her she could come to live with me or we’d find her an apartment & hire a housekeeper, someone to do her shopping & take her on errands, & someone to prepare meals. She would have to agree to wear her lifeline 24/7 & use her walker whenever she was out of her chair or bed. She rejected those options and chose to stay at the AL facility, not wanting to leave her hometown. The man came out of the elevator with Mom on my next visit. The director said someone dropped the ball, & she would fix it. Sure. Earlier this year, Mom, with no lifeline pendant on, had a very bad fall & wasn’t found for 8 hrs. She broke her hip and barely survived surgery. She has been unable to walk unassisted since then. Her forgetfulness was diagnosed as Alzheimer’s about this time. She was discharged to skilled care at a SNF. She was doing well & making progress in therapy, but once that ran out, she got set in a chair all day and wheeled to meals. In her care plan it said they were walking her to every meal. It’s so easy to fabricate documentation. Mom told me one of the older aides who wears a lot of makeup was really rough with her & would throw her into her recliner when she was brought back from meals. She said the aide called her lazy & screamed at her to hurry up when going to the toilet. Her light is sometimes not answered for an hour & she’s left to wet her clothing. I contacted my niece. She talked to the DON. The aide was fired. My niece thought Mom should be on hospice. I asked what her terminal diagnosis was & she didn’t know. My sister & my niece signed Mom up for Hospice in spite of my objections. I went to visit her 2 weeks later & she was next to comatose; I couldn’t wake her for 5 1/2 hrs. The hospice nurse came in & I asked about Mom’s state. She talked about the dying process & Mom was in the later stages. Yet 4 weeks earlier she was up for 3 hours at a restaurant and knew all 38 people at her birthday party. Later the floor nurse said she’d given Mom Ativan & Morphine together!! Mom weighs 96#. I told the DON I didn’t realize Hospice was what euthanasia was called now. They’ve backed off on the meds & Mom’s been alert. She has no pain! I’ve spent the past year dealing with breast cancer, having had 5 surgeries, so I don’t think I can physically take Mom to my home anymore. I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this!

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You shouldn't move your mother in with you. You aren't physically capable and wouldn't be able to give her the care she needs, plus you would be impeding your own recovery and health. However, you can consider moving her to another facility in which she could get better care, for both her peace of mind and yours.
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Reply to MG8522
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Hospice is not euthanasia. Your mom had to be evaluated for hospice before she was accepted, and she was assessed to be within 6 months of death. That's how it works.

What happened 4 weeks earlier at a restaurant for mom's birthday party has no bearing on where her health is now. It's very sad, but at 96, people decline rapidly. So do people at other ages, depending on what's wrong with them. Please move toward acceptance of what is happening instead of trying to upend her end-of-life care, which is presumably overseen by the POA(s) she wanted to be in charge of it. It's not your place to withhold pain meds from mom; let medication levels be up to her medical team and her POA.

Because of your health you can't take mom into your home, nor would it do her any good or give her a better life or more days on earth. Also, don't be so willing to believe what mom says. She is not herself now. She never will be again.

I wish you peace with what is happening with mom, and I wish you good health for yourself.
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Reply to Fawnby
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ZippyZee Dec 9, 2024
Yeah I’m thinking maybe troll since she claims to be a former RN and equates hospice with euthanasia.
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Do not take her in. No matter how much she tantrums or guilts.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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cover9339 Dec 9, 2024
To be honest, there was a real story of an aide sexual assaulting elderly dementia male residents and videotaping it which she readily admitted to.
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It doesn’t matter what she wants. Do not go pick her up.
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Reply to southernwave
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I am a retired RN also, Penny, but I worked in primary care in hospital. Our patients were much too ill to act out in this manner. However, later experience taught me that when we are dealing with elders in care, what you are experiencing is more the "norm". When my brother with his early Lewy's was in ALF he was, as always a peaceable and gentle guy, but he was more or less ALF-light, if you will. He said it was a bit like being young and in the army. He didn't much LIKE it but he was determined to make the best of it. And that's what he did.
Most others DID NOT, and they provided the entertainment, if you will, for the more peaceable side of the Kingdom.

You are going to need to learn to listen to it, but listen to it less than you are, and to tell your Mom you understand all the losses and difficulties with control issues, but this is what it is. She now needs care and safety and she is in a new "home" that will provide that. Remind her that this isn't the first time in life there were many things she wasn't happy about.

For yourself, stop feeling responsible for her happiness. Old age isn't about happiness. Nothing is or will be perfect. And you can't "fix" this. And it isn't going to get better.

You say that your sister and your niece (I am assuming sister's daughter) "put her on hospice". I am assuming, therefore that your sister is in charge as POA? If so, I would step back and allow her to be. Mom is 96. It is on sister and mom and mom's MD to decide on hospice which is often given for end stages of life. I think it fair to discuss your concerns about overmedicating or medicating into a stupor a woman who weighs less than 100#, but the fact is that your mother would get more care, and be medicated to a state of more "comfort" with hospice. I know that siblings almost always disagree on care of elders. You were an RN so you know it as well. That is why it is up to the POA, or the person in charge, to make these decisions.

I am very sorry about all of this; you mother is at the end of a very long life. Any dissention with a sister will make things worse, not better. Your mother's confusion will cause agitation and distress to her in this last time; I would be one to prefer medication whether they hastened end of life or not, so I would imagine we, you and I, would disagree as well. However, were we sisters, I would allow YOU to make decisions if that you your mandate, and feel you should allow me, if it is mine.

Again, I am so sorry. End of life is always full of distress no matter how it is handled. Confusion and agitation and dissention between family members adds to that exponentially. I encourage you to both discuss with as much love and compassion as you are able what is now best for mother in her last moments here with you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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There are zero scenarios where you should bring this person into your home. None whatsoever.

Move her to a different facility. She’ll just have to live further away if there are no other ones near her, regardless of her wishes to stay local. Too bad for her, but it is what it is.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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Time to move your mom into a facility in the city you live so you'll be closer and can better keep an eye on her and also time to put cameras in her room wherever she ends up living.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I'm so sorry for your Mom and your distressing experience.

I agree with finding another facility but if there isn't one in reasonable proximity, then maybe consider researching camera laws in IA to see if you can legally install a camera in her room.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I got three things from your post. One is that mom needs more help than you can reasonably provide in your home. Secondly, she needs to be moved to a better place, and yes, there are better places. If one isn’t available in her beloved community, choose someplace else as there’s no excuse for the incompetence where she’s been. Nursing homes are not perfect, never will be, but they can be competent and provide good care. Third, the state licensing agency needs to be made aware, in writing, without emotion, of what’s occurred where mom is. I wish you the best in finding a better place for mom to live out her days
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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