She was always easygoing and friendly. Now, all is changed. It has taken a long time to see it is not me that is settting her off (most of the time). Anyway, she misunderstands me, then gets angry at me, and I don't get to explain what I really meant. She does not say goodbye on the phone, just leaves it there or hangs up. I know, in my heart, that I did not say anything that should have hurt her. I am especially careful and I measure each and every word I say, and, still, she thinks I am uncaring or not understanding or trying to create a problem.
This is not the mother I have known all my life, so I am losing the Mom I have always known and loved and still love. Do I just agree with her and say she is right and that I have done and said something wrong, or do I do what I just did, right now, which is to say "No, I did not do anything wrong" and leave it at that.
She tells me "don't call me anymore. But then she will call me back.
Sorry for all the questions. I am new and things are getting really bad with my Mom. She has been ill for 7 years now, but the last year is the worst.
Note: I keep thinking each year, or episode, or hospitalization, or fall, is the worst and a crisis until the next one. We are living from crisis to crisis and my anxiety level is high, so I hope this post makes some sense.
thank you for reading and anything you can offer to me would be greatly appreciated.
It sounds like your mom may have dementia. That could be the reason for the complete personality change.
And if she does have dementia your interactions with her will change. Instead of contradicting her you go along with whatever she says and try to redirect her attention instead. Arguing with her will just agitate her. IF she has dementia.
And if her personality has changed so much that she's a completely different person you don't have to be her punching bag regardless of whether she has dementia or not. If she starts to become critical or otherwise difficult on the phone simply tell her that you won't listen to this, you'll talk to her later, and tell her goodbye. You don't have to hang on the phone while she treats you badly.
Now, about you: what can you do for yourself? You have to get out or get away, have some time for yourself. I understand the stress you're under, I've been there too. But you need some time away. An afternoon. Even just a few hours. This is not a luxury, this is a necessity. If your mom can't be left alone I hope you have someone who can step in so you can get away. And if you don't, please work on finding someone. You need taking care of too.
2. One of the features of heart failure is physical exhaustion. It wouldn't explain a radical change in personality, but it would help to explain why she's lost all patience and a lot of good humour. You know how you feel when you're worn out and people argue with you? You're not interested in the right and wrongs of debate, you just want them to shut up and do as they're told.
3. I am sure you haven't said a single word that would, rationally speaking, upset or anger her. Irony alert! - Tiptoeing around a person can come across as patronising (poor old dear, I'll humour her) and that is, um, very annoying. Don't be afraid to speak the truth. Be yourself. Choose carefully which discussions matter (e.g. food, hygiene, anything that could touch on a genuine risk to her wellbeing) and which don't, or not in this context anyway (e.g. what her neighbour meant by something she said, voting intentions, global warming).
Overall, it sounds as though she needs a comprehensive review. Her symptoms are worsening and changing, and based on what you've said I'd be optimistic that quite a lot can be done to improve how she's feeling. If you possibly can, get her an appointment with her GP, go with her, and make sure everyone gives this their full attention. Best of luck, please keep us posted.
mom whatever you say;" however there will be other days when you have no energy nor patience for her personality change, particularly if she is just rude for no reason. As time goes on you will figure out which battles to fight.
Throughout this journey what you absolutely MUST do is save time for yourself and try to begin accepting
your new normal. Do not feel guilty when you have no more to give. The
balance of self preservation and being a caretaker is often difficult but
maintaining your sanity and mental health is your priority. Your mom still
knows you love her regardless of her actions. Continued Blessings.
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