My 78 year old mom has dementia as a result of having had Parkinson's disease for the past 16 years. My dad is 81 and was not able to continue to care for her at home, so together we found an excellent memory care facility and moved her in 3 weeks ago. My parents moved 4 hours away from me when they retired 25 years ago. I suggested that my dad move back here to NJ and have mom live at home with him, with full-time in-home care. Then I could come over every day or two and give him a break. He refuses. I call my dad every day to check in, and the calls are heartbreaking. He shares his grief over watching my mom fade away, and he recounts the daily misery of going to visit my mom. My mom is not adjusting well to the facility- she cries, becomes agitated when my dad has to leave, and doesn't let the staff take care of her in terms of bathing, brushing her teeth, or dressing. She constantly asks, "Why did you leave me here? When am I going home?" However, when she lived at home, she did the same thing. She didn't always know where she was, and would often demand to be taken home and has even hit my father several times. I could tell my dad was losing patience with her and was not the best person to provide her care. I try to drive down to visit about once a month, but it's an 8-hour round trip and I have a demanding full-time job for which I commute 2+ hours per day, five days per week. So I can't make the trip more often. The problem is my intense guilt- I can't stand it that she is in a strange place, feeling abandoned, but what can I do?? I cry every day. I'm exhausted, worried, and so so sad. Yesterday I lost it and was sobbing in the lunch room at work. Should I try harder to get my dad to move closer to me, or is that just going to make him feel worse? I know putting her in the home was an agonizing decision for him, and for me too. But I wonder if it was the right decision.
My Mom behaves the same way the first 4 months she was in the nursing home. Mom would cry while I was visiting or after I left OR Mom would cry during or after phone conversations with me even though the visits or the phone conversations were very positive and enjoyable. Mom also didn't want the nursing staff to do anything for her. She stated that she "just wanted to die" and would fight with the staff whenever they helped Mom with toileting, dressing, hygiene, meals, etc. Once Mom's medications were adjusted a few times, she calmed down and was more cooperative, but that took 3-4 months.
Three weeks is not enough time for determining whether someone has adjusted to the memory care unit or nursing home. You need to give your Mom at least 3-4 months before you make that decisions, especially if she is acting just like she did at home.
This sounds odd, but perhaps there is too much contact between Mom and Dad. Must he really go see her every day? It sounds like it’s making them both miserable. With a possible adjustment of meds and less contact with Dad, who undoubtedly reminds her that she wants to be where she’s not, maybe things will settle down.
I think the others are right, it will take a while for Mom to get used to her surroundings.
I would check on it where you live and see and just move your mom to a facility’s closer to you and your dad with you . It won’t be easy but you will know you have done everything you could. And that will help you so much trust me all this isn’t easy. I have my moments everyday. I would have never thought a year ago that I would be going threw this with my dad.
I will be thinking of you and your family MarieSom