Mom is not Mom, any advice?

Thank you for your advise. I’ve expressed my concerns with the social worker, the head nurse and her physical therapists. They all tell me it’s her adjusting to being a resident at the nursing home, adjustments of her medications and a few other excuses. I have done several FaceTime calls with my Mom and she was relatively coherent but the minute she became agitated she was not herself. I’ve been told of the medications she’s being given and the reasons for them. I’m finding it difficult to trust anyone completely unfortunately. There have been some nurses I’ve spoken to who have been so very kind and gone above and beyond to explain and be transparent in what my Mom may be experiencing given her medications, her by nature temperament (my Mom can be rude and nasty when things don’t go her way or the way she wants them to go). Then on one occasion when I called my Mom and she happened to answer the phone she told me she went out and was too tired to talk to me and hung up. Truth be told, I feel like she never wants to talk to me and brushes me off every time I call and she does answer her phone. I’m at a loss. The nurses tell me that my Mom sometimes tells them tall tales and when I hear of them I know they’re not true. I had an official psychiatric evaluation requested because of this and the only findings was that she suffers from anxiety. She has full power of making decisions as well because I tried getting a POA but she was found fully competent.

Everything I’m being told I’m hearing and understanding. I appreciate it. Things were kind of distant with the relationship because I live in Florida and my Mom lives in NJ. Still we chat on the phone to say hello and check on the other even if it was pleasantries. My Mom’s husband passed away 8 years ago from heart failure. He didn’t tell anyone he had a heart condition because he felt he didn’t want to burden anyone with it. He would have been treated medically and probably still be alive but he didn’t. He passed away on the couch in his sleep. My Mom found him dead thinking he was just napping. My older brother passed of cancer 3 years ago. He battled cancer for 6 years. In my eyes, if you see your loved ones dying from medical issues you would take care of yourself and let your loved ones know so they’re a support system. My Mom lived with blinders on and relied more on faith to get through what ever she never told me. I gave up being bitter and angry at her. I’m at peace and can look in the mirror knowing I was a good daughter because I genuinely love her. She doesn’t make it easy but I love her.

My Mom has always been a “it’s my way or the highway” personality. Even when I became an adult it was always a when she wanted and the way she wanted thing. She was dependent on me for certain things but she would also make it known it was because she needed it not because she allowed the help. It was an odd relationship but I lived in Florida and she lived in NJ so it was ok because I was living my own life. When I first bought my house I bought a home with an extra bedroom hoping she’d move in with me and my family and wouldn’t need to worry about being alone as she was getting older in years. She refused. She said she despised the heat in Florida. Mind you she had 2 grandkids (my kids) who adored her and she had a great reason to move. She never did so as she got older and older and began having more medical issues she kept it all from me. She felt she would be fine and she could take care of herself. It was her response to everything. Like it was some sort of taboo to speak of certain things. So I began trying to get her to have a home healthcare worker come out and help her from time to time. When I’d visit every year I’d see her home wasn’t up kept like it used to be. I’d see she was living less of a productive life then she did before. She was always impeccably dressed and never went out without make up and looked good. Little by little I’d see less activity, less caring for her apartment and less of the person she was. Any bit of help I offered even from letting me get her a home healthcare worker come out to clean up, or cook, or do laundry or just come by and keep her company she said “No” with a capital N. I began thinking it was a sense of pride or a feeling of entitlement to a certain degree. Truth be told I love my Mom and all I wanted was to know is that she was ok and taken care of. Her way of being is she can take care of herself. The last time she fell in her apartment I had called her and she didn’t answer so I knew something was wrong. I sent her neighbor to check on her. That’s when the whole fiasco began. She argued with the neighbor not to call an ambulance. She told the neighbor to just help her up and she’s be fine. The neighbor was actually a home healthcare worker and called an ambulance. The paramedics had to call the police because my Mom didn’t want to be taken to the hospital. So from the hospital my Mom had to go to a rehab facility which was also a nursing home. Because she wasn’t cooperating with the physical therapist it was determined that she needed to be a LTC. Now she’s a resident and things are getting worse in her behavior. The days she cooperating she has a great day. She does the physical therapy and it wonderful. The days she’s not cooperating it’s leave me alone. I try calling regularly to check on her and the times she does answer she’s too busy to talk to me. Or she’s too tired. Or she’s not understandable at all. Slurred speech. I’m on a roller coaster here trying to find out over the phone any bit of information because of the COVID situation. I’ve done several FaceTime with my Mom and it’s just more confusing to me because of her hot and cold behavior. I’m honestly in a loop of uncertainty from every avenue.

Thank you very much Barb. I sincerely appreciate your comments. To be frank, things are the same as they always were. My Mom does what she wants when she wants. Even being a resident in the nursing home she pretty much calls the shots and the staff have to redirect her focus to get her to do things. Her physical therapist literally said to me that when my Mom wants she has a great therapy session. The days she doesn’t feel like cooperating the physical therapist can’t do anything. Thank God for these amazing people. I couldn’t do it. I have patience by the boat load but in a situation like this I’d definitely loose it. I’ve lost patience with my Mom many a time during the years and have literally had to walk away. Right now I feel like things are the same except the obvious fact that Mom is in a nursing home and needs 24/7 supervision because of her medical situation. So as before I call to check in on her. If she answers the phone it’s a miracle. The conversation is pretty much the same. I’m too tired I don’t feel like talking. Call me later. *dial tone* When ever I call the nursing home to speak to the assisted nurse I get a knot in the pit of my stomach because I fear what I’m going to be told. I fear that I’m going to be told of my Mom’s behavior and what she did today. During one FaceTime call my Mom seem to be agitated and she went on and on about how was it possible that “those people” (the staff) if they had a Mom why they would treat her so badly. It was complaint and after complaint. Then when the nurse spoke to me, mind you with my Mom still aware it was FaceTime and right there with her present, the nurse was apologetic to me for my own Mom’s behavior. I wanted to crawl under a rock. As the FaceTime call went on and my Mom calmed down the next thing she is saying is “you have to bless these people because they are so wonderful.” What set my Mom off was that she was put in the day room to get her out of her bed to socialize. She didn’t want that so she went off the deep end. It seems all she has the urge to do is be in bed in her room and left alone. Childish behavior is what my Mom’s closest friend called it. I’m at a loss and I become so anxious at times that I need to find my calm. My Mom’s closet friend who is a home healthcare nurse told me not to take it personally because they go through stages like this. Rebellious because they don’t want to be there and want to be left alone to do what they want. I just hurts my very core unfortunately. My husband and I have paid for all my Mom’s funeral arrangements because nobody else will and my Mom has nothing. She chose to live the way she did and all she had was her possessions which were in her apartment. I had her apartment emptied because I was paying for her utilities, phone and a few other things. The rent she paid but now being a resident her SS goes to the facility. My story is an ugly story with my Mom but I always hoped for some bit of change. She loved me the way she could. I think I become so worried when I speak to my Mom because she sometimes isn’t understandable and she just wants to get me off the phone so I feel like she’s being abused at the facility. Then I speak to several of my Mom’s who are home healthcare nurses and who have been and worked at that facility and they all have good thing to say about it. I don’t know maybe I’m just overthinking everything.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Some days I’m fine and can deal with the situation. Other days I feel so helpless and it drains me.