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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Mom has some dementia. But she refuses to eat completely when I'm there, and only does so when my siblings are around. It doesn't matter what I do. So I feel really really sad. It's hard not to take it personally.
Perhaps when your sibs are there she feels she needs to put on her company manners, but with you she feels comfortable enough to be herself and do what she really wants
What a great answer. When you are with your caregiver, for better or worse you are HOME. When you are with the others, they are guests or you are. I want to eliminate my answer and STEAL yours!
You are taking "dementia behaviors" personally? It is time then to get more education about the disorder, because it never makes sense and it is not meant personally. I WILL say that when you CHOOSE to do home caregiving, that you move from being the DD (darling daughter) to being the caregiver. That is a whole different thing. Your daughter is loved and cherished, but your caregiver seldom is because she requires things of you.
It is worth seeing what looks different about a table she shares with the other kids, and one she does with you. Be certain there is no criticism of amounts she eats or how she eats. She isn't your little child (despite seeming like one at time). Take note of how she is treated, if differently from how you normally treat her during meals.
Other than that there's little you can do. Doesn't sound awful if this is the worst of caregiving right now.
It's hard not to take all the ugly behaviors personally, I agree. Perhaps you should allow mom to eat alone from now on. It's perfectly ok to feel sad about the fact mom has dementia, because there's nothing happy about it. Some things should be mourned, and this is one of them.
For me, I can't eat if I'm stressed, but I've had eating issues way back.
I have had the opposite issue, I don't like to let mom eat alone all the time, so I try and eat lunch with her, a couple times a week, but she stresses me, it's been better because I've been able to let go of much of my anxiety, but it's been very hard for me to eat around her.
If I'm with anyone that I feel is going to look at my plate, comment on my food, or even think of eating of my plate, my stomach closes.
It comes from having an ex husband that is 5"6 and weighed 350. Spouse of an alcoholic hates alcohol. I started to hate food.
This is just a different perspective, I would keep your meal time at moms, as light and friendly as you can , never talk or mention food. Don't say oh that looks good or smells good, or anything about the food , then see if nature takes its course.
Try that and go from there. Food for some is often about control, when I don't feel my life is in control, I control the one and only thing I can, which is food
But, this may not be the issue at all, some place to start though.
Coujd be dementia what she’s familiar with maybe she relates eating with times they sat down and ate with her mayb e you fuss over her - why not ask your siblings the question nit the same but my dog associates me doing certain things and other family members doing other certain things and he barks angry if any one of us changes it! end of day - don’t sweat the small stuff maybe put her dinner down and you sit somewhere else in the room and say I’ll leave you in peace to eat - call me if you need anything maybe that might work then slowly join her for a cup of tea or pudding sort of thing either way- please don’t get upset - it really isn’t worth it it’s prob just a routine she’s used to best wishes
I have heard from my elders ( they tend to turn on those closest to them).. this is not documented anywhere to my knowledge but, old school knows a few things in my opinion( I had heard this growing up even before I had to experience it.. I am now 65) I have experienced this with my own mother as well … my brother ) whom did not live with us) could get her to run a marathon😂 while I couldn’t get her to bathe ugh!! It’s hard not to take it personally but you have to change your mindset ( make the so called obvious.. not so obvious in whatever way you can)… and do this to preserve the love and compassion… because our feelings can be fragile and easily sway, as hard as that is for me to say! We are only human and as humans “ we feel” Maybe have them over more often? Or try different scenarios. When the roles are reversed we sometimes have to use a few tricks lol like they did with us!! And I still say it’s hard raising parents😅🥹🥲 Wishing you the best outcome❤️🩹
Stop feeling sad. Maybe use this time to do a little self pampering allowing the other sibs to entertain mom while you are out enjoying some time away from mom.
Make this work for you. You are the caregiver, so your relationship with mom is going to be different from that of the other sibs. You are doing the heavy lifting and taken on the job of being a caregiver.
My siblings used to announce they were coming to visit and I was expected to host , sometimes on short notice .
My husband finally told me to tell my siblings , that when they come , I’m taking a day off and they can feed Mom and Dad .
He was right , so I did stop hosting or attending when siblings visited . Siblings stopped coming on holidays when I stopped hosting . They would come on a non holiday weekend and take Mom and Dad out to eat .
Are you trying too hard? Are you concerned your mother isn’t getting the nutrition she needs? Has it become routine for you to show your concern at mealtime or to try to convince her to take “just one more bite”?
When I was caring, briefly, for my MIL with dementia, she made it clear she disliked being the sole focus of my attention and she would push back when she’d had enough of it.
I wasn’t with her long enough to come up with ‘tricks’ but I think I would have tried things like being too ‘busy’ to sit down with her when she eats or having music on at mealtimes. Maybe have Tv Tray Tuesdays when both of you eat in front of the tv or serve Finger Foods on Fridays from paper plates. Try root beer floats you make right in front of her so she can watch them foam. Try not to get so serious about food; if she skips a meal or eats too lightly once in awhile it’s ok. Nothing will work every time or forever.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I WILL say that when you CHOOSE to do home caregiving, that you move from being the DD (darling daughter) to being the caregiver. That is a whole different thing. Your daughter is loved and cherished, but your caregiver seldom is because she requires things of you.
It is worth seeing what looks different about a table she shares with the other kids, and one she does with you. Be certain there is no criticism of amounts she eats or how she eats. She isn't your little child (despite seeming like one at time). Take note of how she is treated, if differently from how you normally treat her during meals.
Other than that there's little you can do. Doesn't sound awful if this is the worst of caregiving right now.
Sending you my condolences for your pain.
I have had the opposite issue, I don't like to let mom eat alone all the time, so I try and eat lunch with her, a couple times a week, but she stresses me, it's been better because I've been able to let go of much of my anxiety, but it's been very hard for me to eat around her.
If I'm with anyone that I feel is going to look at my plate, comment on my food, or even think of eating of my plate, my stomach closes.
It comes from having an ex husband that is 5"6 and weighed 350. Spouse of an alcoholic hates alcohol. I started to hate food.
This is just a different perspective, I would keep your meal time at moms, as light and friendly as you can , never talk or mention food. Don't say oh that looks good or smells good, or anything about the food , then see if nature takes its course.
Try that and go from there. Food for some is often about control, when I don't feel my life is in control, I control the one and only thing I can, which is food
But, this may not be the issue at all, some place to start though.
Best of luck
maybe she relates eating with times they sat down and ate with her
mayb e you fuss over her - why not ask your siblings the question
nit the same but my dog associates me doing certain things and other family members doing other certain things and he barks angry if any one of us changes it!
end of day - don’t sweat the small stuff
maybe put her dinner down and you sit somewhere else in the room and say I’ll leave you in peace to eat - call me if you need anything
maybe that might work then slowly join her for a cup of tea or pudding sort of thing
either way- please don’t get upset - it really isn’t worth it
it’s prob just a routine she’s used to
best wishes
I have experienced this with my own mother as well … my brother ) whom did not live with us) could get her to run a marathon😂 while I couldn’t get her to bathe ugh!!
It’s hard not to take it personally but you have to change your mindset ( make the so called obvious.. not so obvious in whatever way you can)… and do this to preserve the love and compassion… because our feelings can be fragile and easily sway, as hard as that is for me to say!
We are only human and as humans “ we feel”
Maybe have them over more often? Or try different scenarios.
When the roles are reversed we sometimes have to use a few tricks lol like they did with us!!
And I still say it’s hard raising parents😅🥹🥲
Wishing you the best outcome❤️🩹
Make this work for you. You are the caregiver, so your relationship with mom is going to be different from that of the other sibs. You are doing the heavy lifting and taken on the job of being a caregiver.
My siblings used to announce they were coming to visit and I was expected to host , sometimes on short notice .
My husband finally told me to tell my siblings , that when they come , I’m taking a day off and they can feed Mom and Dad .
He was right , so I did stop hosting or attending when siblings visited . Siblings stopped coming on holidays when I stopped hosting . They would come on a non holiday weekend and take Mom and Dad out to eat .
When I was caring, briefly, for my MIL with dementia, she made it clear she disliked being the sole focus of my attention and she would push back when she’d had enough of it.
I wasn’t with her long enough to come up with ‘tricks’ but I think I would have tried things like being too ‘busy’ to sit down with her when she eats or having music on at mealtimes. Maybe have Tv Tray Tuesdays when both of you eat in front of the tv or serve Finger Foods on Fridays from paper plates. Try root beer floats you make right in front of her so she can watch them foam. Try not to get so serious about food; if she skips a meal or eats too lightly once in awhile it’s ok. Nothing will work every time or forever.
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