Mom somewhat pushed me into being her caregiver. Out of 4 children she asked me to never place her in a nursing home. What do I do?

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation.

I had my mom with me. It became unbearable. I understand how you feel.

Like you I became riddled with anxiety and depression. I was exhausted.

You have tried your very best to honor your mom’s wishes. Please don’t feel guilty about finding a nice place for her to live.

I used to think that I was strong by holding on. It took more strength to let go.

I was torn, just like you, feeling obligated to care for mom in my home but we can only do so much on our own.

We make the mistake of doing all that we can to please our parents and end up severely neglecting ourselves and our families.

So, you said it yourself, “It isn’t fair!” YOU are equally important to your mom.

Speak to others, her doctor, a social worker, etc. to help you plan the next step. Have you called Council on Aging in your area?

Was your dad a vet? See if you can get financial aid from them to help pay for an assisted living facility or see what it will take for her to apply for Medicaid so she can live in a suitable nursing home.

You deserve to live your life with your family. Your family members deserve this too.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Lillian, don't throw in the towel on yourself. You may need to on your mom. I know this gets used a lot on here but I'll say it anyway. If a plane is about to crash they ask people to put their own life saving apparatus on first and don't give it to someone else. You can't continue to function if you are running yourself into the ground for the sake of someone else. You just can't.

You need to make arrangements for outside help for your mom. Please don't think of it as a selfish decision. It's not. Eventually if you continue as you have been your mom's needs will be greater than you can handle anyways and you will have lost yourself in the meantime. Do this for yourself and your mom!

As for guilt. It's a useless emotion. I felt guilty about transitioning my mom to a nursing home but it was in her best interests and mine and there were no if's and's or but's about it. It was hard. I felt horrible every time I went to visit her there but you know what? It had to be done and after awhile she didn't even know the difference anyway.

I know this is hard but you can do it.

You obviously want the best for your mom. She needs more care than you can provide. It's time to let the professionals take over. They have training and resources that you do not.

Circumstances have changed, her needs have changed, and your abilities have changed. Being coerced into an agreement doesn't mean you are stuck with it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your best and gone above and beyond for too long. As my husband's doctor said "Going above and beyond for an extended period of time NEVER ends well for the caregiver."

You need to take care of yourself. Ruining your life and health won't do your mother any good either. At most, you can supervise the professionals who care for your mom. You have the right to your mental and physical health.

Take care of yourself and I wish the best for you.

I don't mean to be uncaring, but I will be blunt.

I shall call your story:
The Tale of The Good Daughter & The Promise
😇 😱

So your Mom got older & is scared of a nursing home. OK - fair enough. Her solution was to choose an offspring (kindest or most obedient is the best) & apply pressure so they become her 24/7 carer. Enter you.

It is working for so far. For HER. But it needs to work for all the people in the plan. That means for YOU too. Is it?

So. Firstly, work out how much you can realistically do.

Secondly, explain this to your Mom. Something like "I care for you but I am only ONE person. I cannot do all this anymore. I need to return to my home, marriage & job. We need a new plan. I will find out who can help us do that".

You may get respect & acceptance. Or you may get resistance & rage.

What are your thoughts on this?

Sounds like you and your immediate family have done more than their fair share for mom. Now it's time for you to take care of you. If you don't, you could end up in the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one being cared for. And that's not fair to your husband or your son.

I've said this before on this forum, but a child should never be forced to make the promise of never putting their parent in a nursing home. Instead the promise should be that the child will do whatever it takes to make sure their parent is getting the best care possible. And sometimes that means going into some type of nursing facility. You have to do what's best for you at this point, and clearly that means finding the best facility for her to go in. She will adjust and she may even like it. And you will be able to get back to just being her daughter. Doesn't that sound pretty good at this point? Wishing you the best.

Lillian, there’s a huge gulf between promising to never place someone in a nursing home and promising to always care for them. The first is an enormous mistake, one often made under pressure and without full knowledge of what circumstances may come. Under the current conditions you have a very good chance of losing your marriage, your health, and your sanity. Please make changes now to prevent this. A mother in her right mind who wants the best for her adult child would never want this current life for you. My mother had to live in nursing home as her care was beyond what could be accomplished in a home setting. It didn’t mean our family didn’t care for her. We had someone there regularly and advocated for her and her care when she couldn’t do so for herself. She received care from trained pros who knew many “tricks of the trade” that allowed them to safely and effectively care for her. Please know you have nothing to feel guilty about, the situation is too much, and you’re only human. I wish you peace

You just said it; you said "I'm not God". You aren't, and you aren't a Saint either. Were you a Saint we could shoot you full of arrows, then pray to you for eternity to fix every single one of our problems.
I think that you need to take responsibility that you did take this on. That first, and then plan ways to get yourself out of it. Your Mom could have surprised you asking for your agreement to keep her out of a nursing home. But even when we are surprised and say "yes" initially, most of us return to say "Mom, you surprised me and I gave you a promise that I will likely NOT be able to keep. I WILL promise you I will never desert you, but I cannot promise to give up my own life to care for you". You didn't do this. You moved in and for 6 years you have been giving care.
We can't move backward. You now recognize that you cannot go on any longer. And that is GOOD NEWS. You understand that you will feel GRIEF (not "guilt"; guilt is for cruel felons who do malice aforethought). You understand your Mother and likely the whole rest of your world will blame you. Fine. That's to be expected. But you must now move on through the thicket to find your way home to a life that is quality. You have sacrificed to the limits of your human capacity. You don't need our permission to stop. You need your own permission to stop.
Tell your Mother that you cannot do this any longer. That she will have to move into care now, and that you will help her. That you must now live a life of your own, and that you will be there for her with visits and love.
You may need professional help to work out of this quagmire. It sounds as though you currently are experiencing depression; it is difficult to move at ALL with depression, let alone to move to change your life.
It won't be easy and it won't be instant, but it can be done, and unless you wish to sacrifice your entire whole life on this altar, you must do it.
Try to remember, this is your choice. It cannot be done without pain and suffering; you must now make the best choices for your own life.
I sure wish you good luck and hope you'll update us. Please go to the discussions section below and seek out the discussion about in-facility versus home care, and how many get "guilted " into doing care that robs them of their own lives. Many helpful comments there for you.

If I moved out to care for my mom, my DH would probably file for divorce. He's not a mean guy, but he would not be supportive of that dynamic for one minute. For one thing, he knows my mother is a huge trigger for me and I would probably have a heart attack in 6 months. Stress truly can bring on some nasty, nasty side effects.

There's 'service' and then there's servitude. You're enmeshed in unhealthy 'servitude' and sounds like mom doesn't appreciate it, and you are slowly but surely crashing.

I USED to be the 'super' kid who would step up for EVERYTHING--not for a few years. I quit doing it all and guess what? It worked out. My other sibs stepped up, and mom has not suffered.

Get with your sibs--and let them know, straightforward, that as of Jan 1st, you are done and mom needs to have a different care plan.

You don't have to walk away 100%, but you do not have to live your life for mom.

No guilt--just self preservation, which is as important as anything else. Taking care of one elderly person can kill you. Literally. You've sold your marriage down the road for your mom--would she really have wanted that? If the answer is yes, then you have a serious problem. No parent should step between husband and wife.

The care you are giving your mom sounds like care that would require paid professionals working in 8 hr shifts. No one person can do all of this continuously! You’ve done A LOT and no wonder you are so tired!

Fyi the above statement is something I’ve read multiple times on this forum, and it has been a game changer for me. We do the best we can, but the expectation to do it ALL is far too much!

You richly deserve some peace and time to yourself. It might take a bit but one step at a time, and your mother will be looked after, even if it’s not precisely how she wants. Truly wishing you the best!

Whatever your mother has asked of you, you cannot promise to "keep her out of a nursing home". You CAN promise that you will see that she is safe and cared for, which may mean, sounds like it DOES mean, at least "assisted living" or maybe a nursing home.

Don't know what her finances are. You need to check what care is available, what she can afford or what medicare/medicaid will pay for. There are others on this site who can tell you how to get the information you need.
But do not continue to carry this burden alone.

Find a place for her and after you have, be firm and tell her something like (but in your own words), "Sorry, Mom, I've tried, but I simply cannot do everything you need by myself. There are caring people who are trained to give the kind of help you need. I will not abandon you. I will always be available to check on your safety and well being. I love you." Don't ask her to choose a place. You check facilities out and you decide.

Then you may be able to point out to her some advantages of whatever placement you have found. Perhaps there are activities she might like or surroundings she might find enjoyable. She can still have her TV or whatever will make her feel at home. Point out the advantages. But DON'T back down. DON'T feel guilty. You will be better off, and almost certainly, so will she.

Never promise you will not put a loved one in a facility! It's a promise that can't always be kept, and will get thrown in your face later.
Several people here have said the promise you CAN make is to always do what gives her the best care she needs. That's a promise you can keep.

The stress is going to make you sick. Once you are sick, someone else will have to care for your mom.

Set that up now. Then have that be her care plan.

You only get this one life. You can't live it for someone else.

You are not obligated by a "promise" made because you are "obedient". No elder has the right to devour their child's life. Circumstances change, health worsens. Look for a AL or NH and go and live your life like you have the right to do.

We all make promises about the future that we find we can’t honor. Every man and woman who gets married does that, and it doesn’t stop them filing for divorce when the marriage doesn’t work out. Pray for the strength to honor your marriage vows, which conflict with any promise she thinks you made to her (and predate it as well as literally coming first). You promised first to 'cleve to your husband', probably 'til death do us part', not to her.

If your mother comes back with ‘but you promised’, or ‘you agreed’, tell her a) it’s a relationship that hasn’t worked out, like many marriages, b) you can’t keep her out of a nursing home if you become too ill to provide the care she needs, and c) your marriage comes first, like it says in the Bible. What is HER next plan? Then start the process of showing her facilities of the right level.

First of all, did you really give up your husband for your mom? Or are you just blaming your mom for the decision you made?
You need to have a talk with your mom and let her know how you feel and let her know you are sick and not able to care for her any longer.
You and your siblings need to come up with options and let your mom know.
If your mom has her own home then she could stay and have Caregivers come in a few hours a day or 24 7 depending on what she needs or hire a Live In.
Between your mom and all the Siblings, all of you could contribute for paying for her Care.
She would deffiently not be happy in a home nor would she get good care. They are mostly all understaffed and your love one would be totally miserable and if sge is having problems eating, you can be sure she would lose weight and they wojld just tell you she's not eating when in reality, she just needs more time and help to eat and time and help will not be available.

I hVe a 96 yr old Dad who has dementia and he is living in his own home with 24 7 Caregivers provided. I also installed Nest Cameras so I can keep an eye on my Dad to see how he is being treated for myself since he has dementia and very short memory loss, he's not really able to communicate to be able to tell me if a Caregiver is being mean, ect.

With cameras installed, I have 24 7 access as to how my Dad is doing.

You for have to take care of yourself because no body else will..

So, talk it over with siblings and let your mom know upfront what her choices are.

Prayers

Anyone caring for an aging parent is not a “child“. We are aging adults and many of us have our own physical and mental challenges, plus our spouses may as well, and often we have teenagers or young adults who also have issues. You don’t need to be obedient to your mother or any other person. You have a right to live your life as you see fit. It would be great if you can do what you can to help her find a safe place to live but that is all. Your husband, your life, your children, your health are your highest priorities. She will have to sort it out on her own if she refuses to accept the help you have offered. You can get out of this abusive relationship now, don’t take the calls, don’t visit, just divorce her if you need to. The 10 years I spent not speaking to my mother were about the best of my life. You are allowing her to treat her the way you do and that needs to stop.

You are worn out. I can hear it in your desperate questions. You've already given way too much of your life to this. The question is: do parents have the right to demand the lives of their grown children? The answer is: no. You've already gone too far down this rabbit hole. And your siblings don't care, either. Please identify places your mother could live, other than with you. Then call your siblings, and ask those that care to meet with you and your mother. At that meeting, hold your ground. She needs good care. You've given that past your limits. You can visit her in the nursing home or other location (of which there are a wide range).

You definitely do sound depressed especially when you said I am tired as soon as I get up. Honestly...you did your best until you no longer can. Statistics show 40% of caregivers die before the care receiver just from the stress it causes on health. Your mother had no idea what she asked of you and would not want you to die from it. Let her be moved, knowing in your heart you did your best but you are not NOR is anyone capable of providing 24 hr. Care. Your marriage should be a priority. Get your mother placed in LTC where she can have the help she needs round the clock and take the break you deserve. Be a daughter, not hired unpaid help. Even though she will be in LTC, you will still have duties but nothing like you have now. Any respectable therapist would tell you to protect your mental and physical health as a duty to you, your marriage and family unit. I also ask, what would happen to mom if you were no longer on this planet?You can not control everything so set boundaries and control what you can. Please keep in touch with us and give us an update.

I'm so sorry you are having these thoughts that you must obey your mother. Yes, we do have the thought of that responsibility, no matter what. But, for safety reasons of your mother, and sanity of yourself, you must reconsider. With my husband I didn't tell him what I was going to do, I just did it. With dementia they don't know every little detail of life, conversations, actions, they only are living in now. At her stage of dementia, you cannot "obey" your Mom, you are the Mom and she is the child. You have to take control and do what's best., I made sure all the things my husband had on a daily basis, went to the assisted living with him: recliner, table, lamp, bed, favorite hair brush, clothes. He didn't really know where he was, he had his chair, so he felt he was home. When you visit your Mom, don't let her get to you that she wants to go home. Tell her she is home, "see, this is your chair, your table, your clothes. These people are just here to help you take your shower, and get your meals." You gave up a lot to care for her, esp. your husband. Now it's your turn. Don't think of your being disobedient, think of this being her responsibility, since she put that requirement in your head, And, that a assisted facility is best for her. Don't tell her that. Just tell her house was renovated to take care of her.

I recall visiting my grandfather many years ago. The facility was like a hospital. Cold and stark. I didn't like it and most would not like it.

In contrast I found a senior apartment for my dad that looks like an apartment. A nice apartment. They offer living arrangements ranging from independent to assisted to memory. And they offer a la cart services too. Dad liked the place. I loved the staff. They are hard working and thoughtful.

I hope you can find a place were your mother can be happy and cared for. I hope such a facility is near were you live and that you can afford it.

You need to take care of yourself. If you are overburdened you will not be able to care for her. Find a nice place for your mother. You can do as much care as you like and the staff can have your back.

If your mother is not able to care for herself, and you are not able to care for her, then she will be safest in an assisted living facility. Depending on how serious her condition is, and whether her mind is still good, you may also have to look into memory care facilities or skilled nursing. Some facilities have all kinds of care units in the same facility. Your first responsibility is to yourself. If you are no longer able to function you must make some changes to give yourself a chance. You'll always be there to look out for your mother and make sure she is well cared for and safe. You probably will be able to decorate her room with personal possessions to make it more attractive and personal. Not all facilities are bad. My mother's facility has very caring staff and they do their best to take very good care of her. An upside to facilities is that there are other people around and she will be seeing people all day.

Same here! I’ve always been the sibling who takes action. 21+ years my Mother has been living with me now. It does stress me at times. However, I just pray and reassure myself it’s the correct loving thing to do. When Mom gets so sick I am unable to physically do it I will cross that bridge. Even if I should need to place her in a facility I will visit often and make certain she gets correct care. It’s what I’d want my kids to do for me. Although, not certain if they will. Lol

I do not understand why you feel you have to adhere to a promise that was manipulated out of you?

Start looking at care facilities and send Mum on her way.

You left your marriage 6 years ago to provide care for Mum. I am sorry but that makes no sense at all to me unless your marriage was already on the rocks.

I sense that you were groomed from early childhood to do whatever Mum wanted. But you are an adult woman, not a little girl who has to do her bidding. You have your own life to live and you have the right to live it as you please.

What do you do? You place her in a home, and your take your life back. You are seeing your future right now. Is that what you want?

Your obligation is to keep her safe. Finding a home for her is the best thing. Taylor it to her needs. She may say she hates you. But it is better than you hating her and yourself. It is the right thing to do. When our mothers looked after us we were small children not full grown adults. They learned how to manipulate us and they use it still. Break free, be the adult in the relationship & follow your instincts. Good luck

My heart breaks for you. What are the answers? We all know the questions. And yet the answers evade us. The answers are never as clear as the questions. Though based on your post. It is clearly evident that you are at your breaking point. And your situation is starting to get the best of you. Anyone reading your post can without fail determine that you have an immense love for your mother. Regardless of personal struggles, misunderstandings and internal conflicts. It is apparent that the love for your mother is driving you. Cause if you didn't love her it can simply be said that you wouldn't be there. And yet even so you NEED a space, a place where you can just breathe. Where you can vent, pray, cry, yell, rest and/or do whatever you want without having the constant pressure(s) of caring for your mother. People often fail to realize that caregivers are human too. Whether it be our siblings, spouse, significant other or whomever. We as caregivers are in a constant battle with the world around us to be validated, seen and heard. Our efforts are often taken for granted. And we are left to descend further into our own private holes. With little to no support. And we begin to question the questions. And we even start to doubt our own efforts. And we grow resentful, disillusioned and we in the end suffer more so than the person(s) we are caring for. So first of all I want to say that I hear you. Though I don't personally know you or the depths of your situation. I am still able to see you through the dire desperation of your post. And I wouldn't think of sharing or giving you the same advice, suggestions or just presence of thought. That I wouldn't want shared or given to me. For I too suffer with feelings of guilt when I attempt/try to carve out time for myself. Even when I go get a desired meal that I've been craving for weeks. I still feel guilty. Cause something just as simply as a meal can trigger years of feelings/emotions. So I get all, everything that you are saying. And my advice to you is that first you have to start the process of relearning how to take back control of your life. It may sound crazy. But you gotta relearn how to walk, talk and even socialize. And that within itself is a long journey. That is going to be very scary at first. But slowly you will start to regain your strength. And your confidence will begin to return. It takes time. And I'm still relearning how to do this myself. But I promise you that it's rewarding. Then you have to power through those feelings of guilt. And do one thing just specifically for you each day. Whether its major or small. Just do one thing for you each day. And you cannot be afraid to ask for help. You will be shocked, surprised just where and how help will arrive. If you ask for it. And it may not even come from a likely source. Sometimes I've found that people from your Church and/or congregation will help you quicker than your own family would. So start to utilize all your resources. But above all you must be frank and grossly honest with yourself. If you really feel that you just cannot go any further. Then don't force yourself to continue on this way. There is a big difference between endurance and/or enduring a situation. Than having feelings of being forced. And only you can decifer if your enduring or being forced. And if you feel that you are in fact being forced against your will to care for your mother. You must address this promptly. And consult with your family and put it all out on the table. And a course of action has to be taken to ensure that you and your mother both receive the adequate care and help that you both need. In conclusion seek first the comfort of your God. And pray that you lean not on your own understanding. But rather the wise counsel of the Scriptures. That will give you an unshakable comfort and peace of mind, body, soul and spirit. That will carry you through whatever conclusion you find.

Every family has its own set of dynamics, and we all learn to play certain parts. This is also the way that abusive or narcissistic people get their way and other family members stay silent and kowtow to their demands. Nobody can force you (unless they are holding a gun) to do something you don't want to do. So stop. The game is over and she no longer holds power over you.

On the other hand (and I'm going to be blunt), people sometimes want to be a victim. I don't know if it's the sympathy and attention they get or a sense of pride in their martyrdom or what, but people on the outside look at them and wonder why they keep doing things that maintain their victim status.

I know of someone now who took her handicapped, mean-as-hell husband back home even though he should be in a facility, simply because he demanded it. She won't even see an elder attorney to see what her options are financially because she has been told his ex-wife gets all his money when he dies. She gets a lot of sympathy from her sister for her terrible situation, but she won't do anything to extricate herself from it.

Either you want out of this situation or you don't. The choice is yours, not your mother's. Not trying to be mean, but you have to open your eyes and see what is going on and that you are not a victim in this situation unless you choose to be. It's always hard to stand up to our parents, even when we are adults, but sometimes it must be done. BTW, no adult owes their parent obedience. Respect, yes, but not obedience.

If your mother is low income, there are 2 choices (not including continuing what you are doing):
1) a facility
2) in-home care

If she could qualify, Medicaid will pay for some facilities or in-home care. The second option may not be full-time. You would have to see if she qualifies and what they can provide. It sounds like she is home-bound and needs assistance with ADLs. If so, Medicare ALSO can provide a very limited amount of assistance, such as an aide who can bathe her. Others may be able to point you to where you can start to access these. I haven't had to use either, as mom has enough to pay for her care.

Your goals as a caregiver are to ensure your "charge" is safe and healthy. You do not have to do the caregiving, especially if your health and/or safety is impacted or at risk. You have choices for your mom's care:

1 - home health care in your/her home. Either engage 24/7 round the clock caregivers or caregivers when you are at work (and probably resting). Check with local home health agencies and their representatives can guide you into her needs for care and the costs. This should be paid for exclusively by your mother's resources, not yours.

2 - assisted living/senior housing. She will get "help" through the organization and more independence. Check local senior/assisted living places nearby. One of their representatives can give you advice about their services and costs. Again, this should be paid for exclusively by your mother's resources, not yours.

3 - long term care. If your mom is very dependent on the help of others (especially if she can only pay with Medicare/Medicaid) then this is her best - and probably only option. Do not feel guilty if this is what needs to happen. Her resources - and probably lack of financial planning - led to this outcome. It is NOT about your lack of compassion - which you obviously have - or your inability - which is not in question. Consider that you are providing the care she needs in the only place she can get it... similar to getting a person having a heart attack to a hospital to get specialized care you can not provide at home.

Please consider getting some counselling. You are an adult and have choices and rights. You need to remember that you are NOT her little girl anymore. You are an adult and need to get the care you need and deserve to live a healthy and happier life.

Tell brother to help more. Too bad he doesn't want to. Guys always think they are exempt and it is up to women. Wrong!! Stop being a martyr. Get help. Refuse to do everything 24/7. Pyt brother on notice. Who is poa. Its their responsibility to get help. Get caregivers. If mom tells you not to put her in nursing home I would say you can't make that promise. You can't promise she won't get old, need a hoyer lift, will be walking until the end. You cannot predict anything. Can't predict what what tomorrow will bring. You can promise you will try to keep her comfortable. Thats all you can promise.
I wouldn't neglect the husband for the mother. You get hired help. Its harder with covid but people still want to work./make extra money. They just wear a mask and wash hands.
You need to tell brother you need help and get help. Do not take I cant, I'm busy, don't have $ etc. If he's poa all the better. He can hire them. You are burned out and done. Stop neglecting your husb. You need to rebranded your life. You are doing to much. Stand up for yourself, and stop doing everything. You are done its too much for 1 person. Good luck.