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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Congratulations on your sobriety. Has your Mom been treating you like that all along? Or is it a recent change? I agree with others that dementia and short-term memory impairment will prevent you from having reasoned and logical discussions with her, or anything that requires her to retain new information. When your Mom treats you inappropriately you just have your boundary ready by changing the subject, distracting her or walking away. She can't help it... her brain is broken. You know you're a changed person, and so does God, and that's all that counts.
Your profile says that your mom has dementia, so as you should already know, folks with dementia lose their short term memories first, but retain their long term memories. So the fact that your mom is remembering her long term memories of you should be of no surprise to you, as that is all she can remember. So I guess at this point all you can do is show her with your actions that you have changed and not take anything she says or does so personal, as it is now the disease talking and not your mom. And if it gets to be too much for you to handle, you may just have to step away and let others do the caring for her and you can just check in with her periodically. as you don't want anything jeopardizing your sobriety.
Your mom has dementia So in her mind you just might still be that person. YOU know you are changed. YOU know you are a better person. If it gets to the point where this is an issue if you are the primary caregiver you may have to get help in just to save yourself from the anger and frustration. Sometimes stepping back so you are not in the direct line of fire needs to happen.
A few difficult things... Don't argue with her. You will never "win" an argument with a person that has dementia. Redirect if possible. If it gets a bit much, walk out of the room (if it is safe to do so) Wear headphones, earbuds (again if it is safe to do so, sometimes you have to hear what is going on)
Dean, I am a mother of a son who got in a lot of trouble with alcohol and drugs when he was young, 30 yrs ago, and for so very long I was afraid of answering the phone for finding out he was arrested again or dead. He has relapsed a few times over the years, but for the most part remained sober. I don't always suspect him of returning to the past and have done my time in learning about addiction and how to treat him with respect. Still, I sometimes panic when there seems, from something he's said or done, that he's drinking again. I suppose it's some sort of post traumatic stress disorder for me. I do not have dementia, not yet anyway, and I have these feelings, but can catch myself from words or actions that would be disrespectful to him. So your mom with dementia, as others are telling you, will not have the capacity to remain in the present and therefore see the you as the you were long ago, and act accordingly. I think if you remain calm and just tell her No I don't do that anymore, she will at least in the moment behave herself. Unfortunately, you will have to do this over and over and over until you think you can't stand it any longer because she won't remember, but it most likely will get easier for you. I do think for your own personal mental health it is important to make some sort of statement of protection for yourself. You shouldn't confuse her too much with saying it was 30 years ago, though. She's lost in time. Go with her to that long ago time, but be the person who got out of the horrible cycle of addiction, and tell her you've changed. Tell her that for your own sake, even if it sticks in her brain for only a minute.
Have you sat down without being accusatory and discussed this with Mom? Gently. It would be perhaps something started off with : "Mom, I realize that the "me " of twenty years ago was really a tough thing for you to have to live through. I know you have known how hard I have worked to change. Can you tell me if you recognize and approve of the changes? And can you tell me where I still need work"?
This leaves it open to your getting/wanting HELP from her. Listen; don't argue. Ask for specifics in your behavior that still trouble her.
Or, if it's easier, take the advice I so often give here, which is to move 1,000 miles away from mom.
Well, all these years here and I never realized that putting my cursor on the word "mother" in your profile would inform me further that she has dementia. You cannot expect then anything like rational thinking in this matter.
Your mother suffers from dementia so you trying to change her memories is an excerise in futility. She cannot retain new information either, so just let her words go in one ear and out the other. Hire help with moms money to give you respite from the frustration as needed.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So the fact that your mom is remembering her long term memories of you should be of no surprise to you, as that is all she can remember.
So I guess at this point all you can do is show her with your actions that you have changed and not take anything she says or does so personal, as it is now the disease talking and not your mom.
And if it gets to be too much for you to handle, you may just have to step away and let others do the caring for her and you can just check in with her periodically. as you don't want anything jeopardizing your sobriety.
So in her mind you just might still be that person.
YOU know you are changed. YOU know you are a better person.
If it gets to the point where this is an issue if you are the primary caregiver you may have to get help in just to save yourself from the anger and frustration. Sometimes stepping back so you are not in the direct line of fire needs to happen.
A few difficult things...
Don't argue with her. You will never "win" an argument with a person that has dementia. Redirect if possible.
If it gets a bit much, walk out of the room (if it is safe to do so)
Wear headphones, earbuds (again if it is safe to do so, sometimes you have to hear what is going on)
Gently.
It would be perhaps something started off with : "Mom, I realize that the "me " of twenty years ago was really a tough thing for you to have to live through. I know you have known how hard I have worked to change. Can you tell me if you recognize and approve of the changes? And can you tell me where I still need work"?
This leaves it open to your getting/wanting HELP from her.
Listen; don't argue.
Ask for specifics in your behavior that still trouble her.
Or, if it's easier, take the advice I so often give here, which is to move 1,000 miles away from mom.
You cannot expect then anything like rational thinking in this matter.
Best of luck to you.