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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Yes, it’s normal, as they’re so constantly confused and forgetful. They forget where they’ve put things, or that they’ve long since given things away, but think it’s not ‘today’ but ‘twenty years ago’.
It’s difficult to combat telling someone with dementia that they’re wrong, especially if they have a paranoid personality. The best way to approach this is (in my humble opinion) is to have a very neat, organized house with fewer things, and everything that is used on a daily basis out in the open where it can easily be seen.
Unfortunately, paranoia is very difficult to reason with. In my experience, playing along works better than trying to reason with them, or telling them that they’re wrong. That usually sets off an anger response that can lead to a crisis situation. By agreeing and playing along, they’re irritated, but soon forget about it.
Of course, one other thing you have to rule out is they are actually not paranoid and actually the victim of a thief. This happened to my aunt, where she was preyed upon because she was elderly and vulnerable (not at night, but by thieves claiming to be house cleaners - they sure cleaned her out, all right).
Yes, it is normal. Her condition will progressively get worse.
She must be placed in a facility before she causes harm to herself or others.
Some typical behaviors of people with dementia:
Hallucinating: seeing and hearing things that aren't there Wandering and getting lost Driving and getting into accidents Leaving stove burners on Heating up microwave for dangerously long times Eating/drinking inappropriate/non food things Forgetting to eat or drink Not taking meds Neglecting personal hygiene And more
My Alzheimer's mother did many of the above. Yours might too. She should not be living alone, and should not be living with your family. She needs to live where there are carers around the clock 24/7/365 to take care of her. Her disease requires it.
You mentioned in another thread that you were working on getting guardianship. Do you have it yet?
"I have been taking care of my mom since my dad died 5 years ago. I stay with her 2 weeks out of every month. I have a husband and a family, and it’s taking a toll. My sister and my brother do nothing, absolutely nothing! They just live their lives. I am worn out. She is showing signs of dementia, I’m trying to get guardianship. It’s so hard with covid. She needs assisted living. But I feel so guilty because I promised my dad I would take care of her and let her stay in her home. I just can’t continue living from suitcases. She is stubborn, gets mad at me when I remind her to take meds, etc. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love my Mom, but I have no life and my family is being sacrificed. Any suggestions or help would be appreciated. "
I wanted to address where you say you are feeling guilty b/c you promised your dad you would take care of your mom. Making deathbed promises are never a good idea. You need to leave it at 'you are taking care of your mom' period; whether that means you are caring for her inside of her home or inside of a Memory Care Assisted Living. You are caring for her, and THAT is what you promised your father, as I promised my father before he died. Nobody could possibly predict how far down the rabbit holes our mothers would progress with the dementia! Nor did our fathers expect us to devote our entire LIVES to the care and management of our mother's once their dementia advanced to the point where they were hallucinating and wandering outside, thinking people were coming in at night to rob them, etc.
Very few of us are mentally and/or physically/emotionally equipped (or medically trained) to care for elders at THIS level of dementia, let's face it! This is when mom's house needs to be sold and the proceeds used to fund her stay in Memory Care AL for her SAFETY and well being, and for YOUR sanity! It's okay to cry uncle and say enough! Your mother is past the point of 'showing signs of dementia' and is well into it now, at least at the moderate stage, I'd say. Read all you can on the subject so you know what to expect and what's to come in the future with this horrible affliction known as dementia.
My mother has been living in Memory Care since June of 2019 and it was the right decision for all concerned. She has advanced dementia now and is very well cared for by a TEAM of people in her Memory Care AL, on a 24/7 basis, which is how it should be.
Does the house need to be sold? I thought you were allowed to keep your house out of being a countable asset for the purpose of qualifying for Medicaid, as you might move back into it.
Another issue is about finding a facility which has Medicaid beds available even if you do qualify.
Maybe someone knowledgeable about Medicaid can weigh in.
And so begins the nightmarish cycle: 1) misplace item 2) claim item was stolen 3) hide item to prevent it from being stolen 4) forget where you hid item 5) offer item’s absence as proof it was stolen 6) have family tear house apart to find item 7) when located, claim thieves hid item to retrieve it later 8) hide item again 9) return to step 4 and repeat cycle
Aural and visual delusions around the same time.
Trust us who have lived this. It is exhausting and relentless. I went through this with my mother daily for years. She was combative about meds. She tried to make everything a fight. Day and night become meaningless and when she wants you, she’ll expect you, whether it’s noon, dinner time or 3am.
I have a husband and kids too and they got what little of me was left. Kick your guilt to the curb and arrange for care.
Exactly! I took myself out of this endless nightmare loop by placing my mother in memory care and refusing to purchase any more hearing aids or other small valuables. Though so far we've somehow managed to keep up with the glasses. (Knock on wood.) The process went like this: Mom "lost" the hearing aids (or whatever); blamed staff or family members; we retrieved or replaced; she secreted them away and forgot where she put them. Rinse and repeat. When Mom demands more of whatever's "lost" I shine her on with gentle fiblets like "that's next on the to-do list," or "we've ordered new ones, Mom;" fiblets which ultimately calm and comfort, which are primary goals in care-taking.
My dad thought people were coming into the house as well. He kept talking about some kind of "cult" - sketchy people coming in and taking things. He also thought the neighbor was trying to "steal" the deed to his house and take ownership of it. He walked me out the the property boundaries to clarify where his lot lines were. The paranoia was a stage, when it arrived I knew the situation was becoming non-manageable - it also included wandering to "escape" the goings-on and also to try to get "home". I did end up having to put him into a memory care facility. Eventually the paranoia subsided and he became much more mellow.
"People coming into her house at night & taking things"
Yes this can happen with dementia. A common hallucination the brain makes up due to shadows or sounds, or as a 'conclusion' to why things are missing the next day.
Can happen but I don't use the word 'normal' for 2 reasons; 1. symptoms vary so much between people. 2. normal could imply expected, so OK, so safe.
There could be a very short gap between thinking someone is in your house - to the action of running out on the street in fear.
That is how my neighbour was hit by a car - wandered from home at night.
Instead of normal, I should say common. False beliefs and false perceptions are frequent among people with dementia. Those symptoms are immune to reasoning. Don't waste your time trying to show that they are wrong. Caring for people with dementia is very difficult because they live in a world of fantasy and do not respond to reality anymore. Forget about changing them for the better, the disease will continue to eat their brains until nothing of it is left.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It’s difficult to combat telling someone with dementia that they’re wrong, especially if they have a paranoid personality. The best way to approach this is (in my humble opinion) is to have a very neat, organized house with fewer things, and everything that is used on a daily basis out in the open where it can easily be seen.
Unfortunately, paranoia is very difficult to reason with. In my experience, playing along works better than trying to reason with them, or telling them that they’re wrong. That usually sets off an anger response that can lead to a crisis situation. By agreeing and playing along, they’re irritated, but soon forget about it.
Of course, one other thing you have to rule out is they are actually not paranoid and actually the victim of a thief. This happened to my aunt, where she was preyed upon because she was elderly and vulnerable (not at night, but by thieves claiming to be house cleaners - they sure cleaned her out, all right).
She must be placed in a facility before she causes harm to herself or others.
Some typical behaviors of people with dementia:
Hallucinating: seeing and hearing things that aren't there
Wandering and getting lost
Driving and getting into accidents
Leaving stove burners on
Heating up microwave for dangerously long times
Eating/drinking inappropriate/non food things
Forgetting to eat or drink
Not taking meds
Neglecting personal hygiene
And more
My Alzheimer's mother did many of the above. Yours might too. She should not be living alone, and should not be living with your family. She needs to live where there are carers around the clock 24/7/365 to take care of her. Her disease requires it.
You mentioned in another thread that you were working on getting guardianship. Do you have it yet?
"I have been taking care of my mom since my dad died 5 years ago. I stay with her 2 weeks out of every month. I have a husband and a family, and it’s taking a toll. My sister and my brother do nothing, absolutely nothing! They just live their lives. I am worn out. She is showing signs of dementia, I’m trying to get guardianship. It’s so hard with covid. She needs assisted living. But I feel so guilty because I promised my dad I would take care of her and let her stay in her home. I just can’t continue living from suitcases. She is stubborn, gets mad at me when I remind her to take meds, etc. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love my Mom, but I have no life and my family is being sacrificed. Any suggestions or help would be appreciated. "
I wanted to address where you say you are feeling guilty b/c you promised your dad you would take care of your mom. Making deathbed promises are never a good idea. You need to leave it at 'you are taking care of your mom' period; whether that means you are caring for her inside of her home or inside of a Memory Care Assisted Living. You are caring for her, and THAT is what you promised your father, as I promised my father before he died. Nobody could possibly predict how far down the rabbit holes our mothers would progress with the dementia! Nor did our fathers expect us to devote our entire LIVES to the care and management of our mother's once their dementia advanced to the point where they were hallucinating and wandering outside, thinking people were coming in at night to rob them, etc.
Very few of us are mentally and/or physically/emotionally equipped (or medically trained) to care for elders at THIS level of dementia, let's face it! This is when mom's house needs to be sold and the proceeds used to fund her stay in Memory Care AL for her SAFETY and well being, and for YOUR sanity! It's okay to cry uncle and say enough! Your mother is past the point of 'showing signs of dementia' and is well into it now, at least at the moderate stage, I'd say. Read all you can on the subject so you know what to expect and what's to come in the future with this horrible affliction known as dementia.
My mother has been living in Memory Care since June of 2019 and it was the right decision for all concerned. She has advanced dementia now and is very well cared for by a TEAM of people in her Memory Care AL, on a 24/7 basis, which is how it should be.
Wishing you the best of luck
Another issue is about finding a facility which has Medicaid beds available
even if you do qualify.
Maybe someone knowledgeable about Medicaid can weigh in.
And so begins the nightmarish cycle:
1) misplace item
2) claim item was stolen
3) hide item to prevent it from being stolen
4) forget where you hid item
5) offer item’s absence as proof it was stolen
6) have family tear house apart to find item
7) when located, claim thieves hid item to retrieve it later
8) hide item again
9) return to step 4 and repeat cycle
Aural and visual delusions around the same time.
Trust us who have lived this. It is exhausting and relentless. I went through this with my mother daily for years. She was combative about meds. She tried to make everything a fight. Day and night become meaningless and when she wants you, she’ll expect you, whether it’s noon, dinner time or 3am.
I have a husband and kids too and they got what little of me was left. Kick your guilt to the curb and arrange for care.
Yes this can happen with dementia. A common hallucination the brain makes up due to shadows or sounds, or as a 'conclusion' to why things are missing the next day.
Can happen but I don't use the word 'normal' for 2 reasons; 1. symptoms vary so much between people. 2. normal could imply expected, so OK, so safe.
There could be a very short gap between thinking someone is in your house - to the action of running out on the street in fear.
That is how my neighbour was hit by a car - wandered from home at night.