My MIL asks about traveling everywhere. She is not competent to travel but is pushy and just gets mad. She does not believe us when we tell her she can't go. She thinks she is better than everybody. She is narcissistic. She outright told us we should not go traveling without her. We have gone on two trips this year without her. One of them she was going to go but got sick (not seriously) and we cancelled her. It was extremely stressful. We just booked another trip at a time of the year she knows we always go away. When she asks, what do we say to her? Should we lie and say we are not going. She gets so angry and yells and it is very stressful for everybody. I do not want to deal with months of anger.
Your profile says that you are caring for someone with dementia. So, I'd try to take MIL's behavior in that context. People with brain damage, like dementia, don't always know what is best for them. And, she likely doesn't remember your prior explanations. I think that sometimes people think that a person with dementia is being persistent, when in fact, they have poor memory and don't recall the other 10 times that the matter was discussed.
I'd try to take the lead and say whatever you have to in order to keep her happy. Plans for trips can be put out in the future. Would she even remember? I found that living day by day and keeping my LO content was as good as I could do.
Expecting a person with dementia to understand why some family members can travel and she can't, isn't realistic to me. She can't process it, so keep her happy with only happy news that she can handle. I'd work on explanations that make sense and work for her. Perhaps your absence could be explained as work trip or something that she would not want to do.
Most people with dementia no longer can be selfless, so, I'd just consider that caring for them is like caring for a young child. Expecting them to be understanding, selfless, appreciative, etc. just isn't realistic. I'd keep in mind that eventually, she may progress and forget about the travel and not mention it anymore.
Good for you for going anyway. What if you took Mom on a few “day trips”? Every state has destinations, from Amish Country to picnic areas, flea markets, etc. You can be gone all day. She probably be exhausted at the end of the day.
This is another case of a parent feeling entitled. Does she live with you? There are many, many posts on this forum of parents as dictators over adult children. The more you give into it, the worse it gets. If she’s in a huff, fine. Let her sulk. It keeps her blood pressure up. Gives her something to do. But, don’t let her abuse you. Don’t yell back. Look her in the eye and say, “We’re going, Mother Smith. You are NOT.. Subject CLOSED!” And walk away. If she lives with you, remind her that there is always the option for other living arrangements where perhaps she’d be happier and less angry.
Not having any additional detail, I would not tell her about the upcoming trip until you have left.
Where are you when she gets angry and yells, your home, hers, out in public? If it were me and she does not have dementia, I would point out to her that her behaviour is why she cannot travel with you and walk away. I would not stay and listen to her ranting and raving.
My experience with a narcissist was my ex husband. Everything was about him, where we travelled, which movies we saw, where we went out for dinner. I am glad to be free of all that.
Put the onus on her to do it on her own so that it is her inability to get her passport that is preventing her from travelling - then pick places you need a passport for so she can't go legally as they would stop her before she gets on a plane ..... so you don't end up the bad guys either
Does she realize time. Like if u don't show up one day she knows it. Do her days just go into each other? If so, don't tell her ur going away. Next time u visit see if she realizes you haven't been around. If she doesn't then no problem. If she knows but not how long, then just say you went away for a few days to be together. If she says something, have husband tell her that he needed some alone time with his wife.
Be glad that your husband doesn't see the need to take her. Be glad she is in a safe place.
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